New Year's Eve

I see where CNN is reprising this year with the team of Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin at midnight. I always thought this was a strange match up and was disappointed that the potty-mouthed Griffin was back. Before there was Cooper/Griffin there was the ageless Dick Clark handling the countdown as the ball descended on Times Square. But I must be an old fogey as I recall an erudite gentleman named Ben Grauer, a seasoned broadcaster, wearing a black overcoat and homburg hat, who handled the mike solo and was never lost for words - in all kinds of weather. To paraphrase Adlai Stevenson, I found Grauer appealing and Griffin appalling - but each to his/her own taste. And at midnight the scene would shift to the Roosevelt Grill in Manhattan where Guy Lombardo and the Royal Canadians would be playing the sweetest music this side of heaven and the dancers actually touched each other. Happy New Year.
tjs
Next - O Dem Golden Slippers

My Kind of Town

Since my son immortalized me in the Chicago Tribune December 28th I feel the urge to salute the Windy City. I won't call it the Second City. In former days the U.S. Lines had their offices at 327 S. LaSalle St. a prestigious address in the Loop. When the passenger ships stopped running we moved the Freight Sales office to Oakbrook in the suburbs.Yesterday's theme reminded me of the following story: On one of my sales visits we were entertaining clients at Johnny Lattner's Restaurant - he of Notre Dame fame. It was a large dining room and there was a group there called the Turtle Society who were inducting new members in this very public forum. Their theme was that the turtle was a clean minded amphibian and any member had to be of a clean mind. One of the questions they posed to prospective inductees was as follows: What does a man do standing up, that a lady does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? If you didn't answer "SHAKE HANDS" you were not accepted.
We canvassed our tablemates on the same question and it appeared that none of us would be swimming with turtles that night.
tjs
Next - New Year's Eve

The Handshake

Before there were high fives, fist bumps or bear hugs there was the ordinary handshake - some firm - some soft and some in between. It was useful in sealing a deal, confirming an agreement, starting an athletic event, etc.  I once called on a customer in NYC who was a fitness buff - every morning swimming laps - his handshake almost brought me to my knees. A real macho guy - I counted my digits on the way out and couldn't write for the rest of the day - but I needed his business. Another time while on the South Jersey shore a friend suggested we drive down to the Delaware beaches i.e. Dewey Beach which was still unspoiled. LBJ's daughters used to hang out there - they let you have bonfires on the beach which Jersey would never permit. While searching for his friend's cottage we passed a fellow plucking his guitar on his cottage porch wearing a tee shirt and three day beard - he pointed us next door where the hostess had a visitor - call her Mary Byrd - after introductions all around, the guitar plucker appeared in the doorway - Mrs. Byrd introduced him as her husband Charlie - THE Charlie Byrd whose LPs I had played at home. He and his wife played the clubs around Annapolis Md. and Washington D,C. and his handshake was soft as silk. His hands must have been insured for big bucks. Lastly, back in Philadelphia I was introduced to a prominent female plastic surgeon who was doing pro bono work in Taiwan under the auspices of Madame Chaing Kai Shek.
Her hand was also soft and almost withdrawing. The message seems to be if/when you run into a musician or surgeon, go easy - or maybe just rub noses like the Eskimos do.
tjs
Next - My Kind of Town

Happy Trails

I read in last Friday's N.Y. Times that they shut down the Roy Rogers/Dale Evans Museum in Missouri and many of the artifacts have been sold at auction - some to the Gene Autry National Center. But several taxidermied animals were sold thru Christie's to an Omaha TV station owner - these included Roy's palomino horse Trigger for $266,500. and Trigger's companion German shepherd, Bullet for $35,000. This owner has sent the animals on a yearlong traveling exhibition, the "Happy Trails Tour." As they say, watch for it in your neighborhood - and Happy Trails to you.
tjs
Next- The Handshake

In the Hood III

Growing up we had several German American families in the neighborhood who had their own social clubs with the oompah bands and picnics on Sunday with names like Kanstatters and Schutzen park. With the outbreak of WWII there was a sensitivity on their part and they Americanized the names of these facilities. Obviously, they had families back in Germany but two families had sons drafted into our armed services and they were loyal citizens. When I walked to school I passed a building that was a National Guard Armory and I often watched them lower the Stars and Stripes at sundown. During WWII this building housed German POWS and circa 1943 they were probably captured in the North African campaign. The armory was adjacent to several athletic fields and in the afternoons they would be marched to a vacant athletic field and we could see them playing soccer with several U.S. sentries standing guard. But they weren't going anywhere - their war was over - and we housed and fed them until the war's end.
tjs
Next - Happy Trails

Boxing Day

December 26 is Boxing Day throughout the United Kingdom which usually gives our British cousins an extra holiday. The recent heavy snows did close Heathrow Airport but a bit of snow could not deter these hardy folks. I have always considered myself a closet anglophile ever since those twenty-year old R.A.F. pilots battled the Luftwaffe in the Battle of Britain in 1940 thereby, perhaps, preserving western civilization. And in the same year the heroic evacuation of the British army from the beaches of Dunkirk to fight another day. And these people endured rationing long after WWII. Today, I salute my English friends with a song Noel Coward wrote when asked to write something quintessentially English. He chose the subject of his pub called "The Rose and Crown." It goes like this:
"Saturday night at the Rose & Crown is quite the place to be - soldiers and sailors, tinkers and tailors, out on the town for a bit of a spree - if you're tired of life with your husband or wife, and the kids are getting you down - things will all come right on Saturday night - AT THE ROSE AND CROWN". Hail Britannia!
tjs
Next - In the Hood III

Christmas Spirit

On Christmas Eve morning I went into Borders Bookstore to buy a New York Times newspaper. The store was very crowded and I was about thirtieth in line.
The man behind me was wearing a fireman's sweater. We wished each other Merry Christmas. I said I wished they had an express line. He said if that is all you are buying I will take care of it when I reach the counter and you can go on your way.
I thanked him for his generosity and promised not to set any fires during the holidays. It was pure serendipity and perhaps one half an O. Henry story. Oh, and it was the last copy of the Times on the shelf.
tjs

Christmas Eve

Christmas is for family. I am fortunate to be surrounded by my extended family at this holiday time. My son is in from Chicago, my nephew arrived from Beirut and we Floridians are "freezin in Philly". A friend told me that when the two branches of his family cannot be together at this time they set up SKYPE cameras in both dining rooms as sort of a communal Christmas dinner. They can then see and hear each other and compare menus, etc. What a marvelous idea! Here's wishing you all a holy and merry Christmas from our house to yours with a better year ahead in 2011.
tjs
Next - Christmas Day

The Telephone Call

Please pay attention as our menu has changed! This call may be recorded for training purposes-
For English press 1 - for Spanish press 2 - for all others press 3
If you know your party's extension press it now - otherwise stand by.
Your call may be answered in four minutes - we value your time.
Please do not hang up - you will lose your place in the queue.
While waiting we will entertain you with the Canadian Brass playing their holiday medley - featuring a tuba solo.

"Hallo!! can we help you?"

"Are you in Mumbai or Manila?" "If you are in Mumbai you are ahead of me."
"If you are in Manila it is tomorrow - and now I am so confused that I forgot why I called".
The other beauty is the call for a charitable pledge - it usually comes when you have something on the stove. If you succumb in a weak moment the caller will say "Thank you - shortly you will receive a call from my supervisor to confirm your pledge". so that instead of one irritating call, you now have two. It's enough to squeeze the Christmas spirit out of you. Bah humbug!
tjs
Next - Christmas Eve

How now brown cow

It is said that our speech betrays us. On my first visit to London I wanted to visit a music hall presentation which was similar to our vaudeville. At intermission we all went back to a small bar where the piano player was playing "The Lily of Laguna" to a singalong. I bellied up to the bar and said three words to the barmaid - "Gin and Tonic." She asked "Do you want ice, Yank?" and she spared me a sliver.
I thought I was blending in with these Brits but I guess my haircut gave me away. Years later I visited one of our ships in Jacksonville that had just arrived from Philadephia. There was a passenger on board, a writer for a maritime journal who must have had a good ear. I asked him how was the ride down from Philly. He said "Fine, what part of Philadelphia are you from?" The guy had me within five miles of my roots after twenty-five years. It was uncanny - and eerie. I recall a line from an old black & white movie where a lady says "you must be from Phil-a-del-phi-a, you slur your dipthongs.!" I guess you can take the lad out of Philadelphia but you can't take Philly out of the lad. GO IGGLES!
tjs
(P.S. - Even St. Peter was outed by the servant maid in the courtyard as his accent was so similar to Jesus the Galilean)

Radio Days II

One of the powerhouses of daytime radio was Arthur Godfrey - with his folksy low keyed delivery he could sell anything and housewives took his endorsement as gospel. But he could be petulant and once fired his singer, Julius LaRosa on the air (in TV time) In the evening you might catch Rudy Vallee, the Connecticut Yankee who greeted you "Hi Ho everybody" and sang thru a megaphone. It was said he had the first nickel he ever earned. Jimmy Durante always closed with "Goodnight Mrs.Calabash, wherever you are." He could be great and unscripted in a nightclub. But the most commanding voice on evening radio was that of Walter Winchell a throwback reporter who wore a felt fedora behind the microphone like a scene from "Front Page" or Damon Runyon. He had a staccato delivery and opened his broadcast with "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and all the ships at sea, let's go to press." He also had a nightlife beat and a column in the morning paper. It was said that a mention in his column could make or break a career. He had a long standing feud with Ed Sullivan, another seasoned reporter from another paper - two pros from different walks of life. My mother went out one Christmas eve and came home with a small table model Emerson which became a bedside model and with the airwaves uncluttered at night we could bring in distant cities as Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Detroit and catch hockey games and sporting events - all with the spin of the dial. Bing Crosby had a marvelous baritone voice and White Christmas was a best seller. And it wouldn't be New Years eve without Guy Lombardo playing Auld Lang Syne - and when Bing and Guy died within three weeks of each other in 1977,  I commented that they snuffed out Christmas and New Years in one fell swoop.
tjs
Next - How Now Brown Cow

We will be traveling north for a fortnight and posting may be spotty during that time. Log in when you feel the urge.

Road Rage

While working in New York I had an evening commitment that required me to drive into the city. It was a long day and evening and around 10:00PM I found myself driving north on the Henry Hudson Parkway entering Westchester County and approaching an unoccupied toll booth with the barrier down.
 As I tossed my only quarter toward the bin I missed and it fell to the ground. With the barrier down and no more coins I alighted from my vehicle to correct the situation when the car behind me blew his horn as New Yorkers will do. With fatigue and exasperation with my situation I yelled something to the hornblower - nothing profane or obscene - but nevertheless confrontational. Big mistake! I then moved on and soon found I was being followed. I sped up - he sped up. I slowed down - he slowed down. I was now approaching a remote area of Westchester and would soon need to exit the parkway and I didn't want my companion following me into my garage. I decided to slow down further in the right lane and he came along side in the left lane, looked at me and presented his middle digit (as they say in New York he gave me the finguh) - and then he went on his way. I was fortunate he held nothing else in his hand. He just wanted the last wordless word. But, boys and girls, there is a lesson here - and mum's the word, zip the lip or as Archie Bunker used to say "Stifle it."
tjs
Next - Radio Days II

The 19th Hole

This fellow had just finished a round of golf and was relaxing with a drink in the lounge preparatory to heading for the shower when the cellphone on the table rang and he put it on speaker. The female voice said "Honey, I just heard of a great buy on a Mercedes with $10,000. off, should I buy it?" He said sure if it makes you happy. Then she said there was a steep discount on a mink coat that she was longing for, might she have it?" He said if it makes you happy go for it. Then she said she saw a dress in Bergdorfs window which she could wear to the country club dance, was it possible?" He said you'll look great, get it. She bubbled thanks and hung up.
He ambled into the locker room and said "Anybody know who owns this cellphone?"
tjs
Next - Road Rage

Long Live the King

"As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives." Such is the start of an English nursery rhyme. But the man was not Larry King although he has had seven wives. Larry said goodbye to his TV audience Thursday surrounded by celebrities, former host anchors and a few surprises. One was a cameo from Bill Clinton in Little Rock. Larry was getting pretty emotional with all the surprises and he blurted out to Clinton "You and I are members of the zipper club." Bill Clinton is not often lost for words but he seemed to be caught off guard by this remark. Meanwhile, a producer must have cued Larry for he felt he had to explain the zipper referred to was the scar left from open heart surgery which they both had undergone. To which Clinton quickly retorted "I'm glad you clarified that.!!" An unscripted moment which is the joy of live television.
tjs
Next - The 19th Hole

Reflection

This is my 50th consecutive BLOG - I guess I will keep trying until I get it right! But if you have stayed with me this long you are a very loyal audience. I don't expect to replace Andy Rooney and I could never replicate his bushy eyebrows - but he does only work one day a week. And I don't expect to hit a home run every time at bat for even Ted Williams in his best year only hit forty percent  of the time. I hope my PUNS have not been too PUNishing. But with your indulgence, encouragement and occasional welcome feedback,  I will continue to "chronicle" a slice of American life as I observed it over the years and introduce you to some of the characters who have crossed my path. I hope I haven't been boring.
tjs
Next - Long Live the King

Role Playing

My last employer had a very active Human Resources Department always on the alert for any workplace shenanigans. It was mandatory that we all attend seminars yearly on the subject of Sexual Harassment. For some reason I was always assigned the role of harasser in the "make believe" activity. Perhaps it was the Lieutenant Colombo raincoat I was wearing at the time that made me look like a perpetrator.
In any event I began to dread these yearly performances - I also bought a new raincoat.
tjs
Next - Reflection

Dog & Pony Show

In the late 1970s the steamship business was going thru transition converting from a breakbulk labor intensive operation to Containerization and we all had to adapt and learn the trucking business. I was then in staff sales in New York and I put together a slide presentation on the Container which I showed to traffic clubs, college campuses and anyone who would give me an audience. One day a salesman down south called - said his traffic club was meeting in a week and it was his turn to provide a speaker and could I come down and bail him out. Up to that time I had never been south of the Mason-Dixon Line so I asked if he had any advice. He said "Don't wear a three piece suit." On the appointed day I flew with my black box down to Alabama - the meeting was to be on the campus of the Univ. of Alabama at Tuscaloosa. Driving thru the campus there was a life size statue of Coach Bear Bryant so I knew I was in bear country. The meeting was in a small cafeteria type room with maybe two dozen attendees. Now I knew that my new owner had many friends in Mobile and might some of them be here? As I was fretting how I was going to warm up this group, the lady who was to introduce me appeared - a tall blonde wearing a crimson blazer. She leaned into the microphone and yelled "LET'S HAVE A ROLL TIDE!" The room erupted - and after a few Q&A this Yankee boy was home free.
I was glad I left my vest at home.
tjs
Next - Role Playing

What a surprise!

A young priest friend of mine had been assigned to various parishes in Eastern Pennsylvania including ministering to the criminal ward at the Philadelphia General Hospital so he had heard his share of the dark side. This day in question he was stationed in a small parish in a town near Marcus Hook Pa. a oil refining community on the banks of the Delaware River. The rectory doorbell rang and he answered to see a young man on the steps who said "My wife is out in the car and I would like to talk to a priest." Fr. Joe said "Bring your wife in and we can talk in a conference room." The man said "You don't understand, my wife is in the trunk of the car." Fortunately, the old pastor was in the house and he arrived and took over the scene and it was his name in the newspapers the next day and my young friend had been spared. But nothing they taught him in the seminary prepared him for that day the doorbell rang.
tjs
Next - Dog & Pony Show

Welcome to New York

After commuting for a year from Philadelphia to New York I finally found housing in a high rise in Yonkers overlooking the Hudson River. I arrived early November 1976 and my new commute was a one mile drive to the R.R. station - train to Grand Central - subway to Bowling Green at the Battery.  Parking was limited at the Yonkers station and many commuters parked on the street leading down to the tracks which was my routine as well. I was settling in after three weeks when on a midweek day I went into the "city" - to the office - thence to Laguardia to fly to a distant city - back the next day - to the office and home on the evening train. I was gone approx. 36 hours. As I approached my car I was shocked to find my Chevy Impala up on milk boxes. Somebody wanted my new snow tires - and rims. There was a note on the windshield "We have arrested the persons in the theft of your tires - please call the Yonkers police." Meanwhile, I had to march up the hill with briefcase and baggage to get home and reverse that route the following morning to witness all my fellow commuters gawking at my immobile Impala. Reaching the city I called the police who requested my presence to have my photo taken alongside my tires which would be Exhibit A in the courtroom. The plainclothes cops had been on a stakeout at the R.R. station a/c several complaints and nabbed the two guys after they had removed my tires. They said I would hear from the D.A. if they needed me further. I expressed my thanks and they said to come with them - they threw my tires into their pickup and off we went to the scene of the crime. Then I remembered we had tires, rims but no lug nuts!! The next scene was the two cops and me in my camels hair topcoat down in the gutter sifting among the leaves where the thieves had thoughtfully left the lug nuts. The cops jacked up the car, put on the tires and I had the foresight to bring a box of cigars which were appreciated. The D.A. notified me that the "perps" were three time losers and he would not require my appearance. So after three weeks I was now a victimized, put-upon, hardened New Yorker.
tjs
Next - What a Surprise!

The Guinness Book of Records

It seems the Guinness people may have overlooked two of the most impressive feats in modern history indicated by the following riddles:

What was the largest plumbing project ever attempted?
Answer - Flushing , Queens.

What was the most delicate medical operation ever attempted?
Answer - Lansing, Michigan

Perhaps they will include in their next printing.
tjs
Next - Welcome to New York

The Heisman Award

Whether you are a football fan or a sports fan in general you are probably aware of the Heisman Award ceremony to take place tonight Saturday December 11th to nominate the most valuable college player of the year. This ceremony is followed up by a gala dinner several weeks later in a Manhattan hotel. Some years ago - circa 1982 - the USLines V.P. was on the dinner committee and we entertained several tables of guests - black tie, etc. The winner that year was Hershel Walker from the University of Georgia in Athens, Ga. and the black & red colors of their team were in evidence thruout the audience. As I stepped on the crowded hotel elevator in the lobby I glanced down at my feet and there was their Bulldog mascot called UGA II wearing his red sweater. It was a slow ride up to the ballroom and I began to fret about my ankles and also my rented tuxedo. But UGA II was well behaved and was admitted to the ballroom. I didn't ask if he liked white meat or was a vegetarian. His successor today is UGA VII  and the line goes on. Tonight - 8PM EST ESPN.
tjs
Next - The Guiness Book of Records

Humor in the workplace

In Sunday December 5th edition of the New York Times - Business Section - there was an interview with a female CEO who said she looks for "wit" in new hires and that "they laugh all the time" in her company. What a boss! When I was in sales for USLines our V.P. in New York - call him Jim R. - had a keen mind and a quick wit - but he had a bad set of choppers - think Bugs Bunnyesque. One day he arrived at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel for a luncheon engagement and the lobby was teeming with conventioneers. The ladies were arrayed behind their card tables and curious Jim went over and asked "What's going on?" They replied that it was the National Convention of Orthodontists. He said "Where were you when I needed you?" Customers loved him and the new management did also and sent him to London as V.P. for all Europe. This lofty position came with a few "perks" - a car and a driver. He inherited a vintage British saloon car which he quickly updated to a late model Bentley - and outfitted his driver with a Long Island R.R. conductor cap - kepi style. Soon this extravagance filtered back to the home office and when he came home on leave the Chairman grilled him on the issue, saying "Jim, we know about the Bentley but we can't find it in your expense account - where are you hiding it?" Jim said "Try the medical expenses - I leased it from a doctor." Big Jim left us this year at age 91 soon after breaking 100 on the golf course - I told him if he lived long enough he could shoot his age. A great guy to work for - once he gave up the martinis.!
tjs
(P.S. Read where Dec. 8 was John Lennon's 70th birthday - his widow said the two of them laughed a lot.)
Next - The Heisman Award

E.E.O.C.

In Philadelphia our office was on the top floor of a high rise building and our neighbor down the hall was a tugboat company. Word filtered thru the building that the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission known as E.E.O.C. was visiting. They entered our neighbor during the lunch hour when only Richie the tug dispatcher was out front and Roy the manager was sitting in the back with his feet up on the desk reading the Daily Racing Form. The team leader with the clipboard asked Ritchie how many people were employed there. Ritchie said "eight" but some are out to lunch. Then they asked if there were any minorities working there. Richie said "only one, the manager in the back of the room". Now Roy the manager had a swarthy complexion and with a three day beard (which he often shaved off in the mens room) he could "pass" and his countenance was partially hidden by the Racing Form. The Team squinted at Roy but seemed to be satisfied that they had a "coup" - a manager - and having made their quota - like Elvis - they "left the building". But we were ready for them if they came as we had on staff a young lady from Guam. We felt a female Guamanian must have been worth a few extra points but we never had a chance to show our cards. Chalk it up to the bureaucracy.
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - Humor in the Workplace

Radio Days

Before we had television we had only radio. Radio was a very personal medium. You felt the voice was speaking only to you. There was usually only one radio in a household and the entire family gathered around the console in the evening to mutually hear the news and the variety shows. During WWII the news was broadcast by such as Gabriel Heatter who intoned"There's good news tonight" or more often "there's bad news tonight." And Ed Murrow broadcasting from London during the blitz with his deliberate cadence - you could almost see the cigarette in his hand. After the news you waited for Amos & Andy, Gang  Busters, The Shadow, Jack Benny, Fred Allen et al - to try to forget the war. FDR's voice was made for radio as he gave his fireside chats. My first exposure to opera was listening to Fred Allen's show where he did parodys on Carmen and The Barber of Seville - with the original music but special lyrics. And the Lone Ranger's theme was Rossini's William Tell Overture. Some of the entertainers included Eddie Cantor who they called Banjo Eyes for obvious reasons. He was a mentor to young people as Dinah Shore and Eddie Fisher. He had been a singing waiter on the east side of New York.
He always closed his show with "I love to spend each Sunday with you - as friend to friend I'm sorry it's thru etc" - Ben Bernie the orchestra leader with the southern drawl always closed with "Au revoir, pleasant dreams, think of us when requesting your themes - until the next time then etc." Then there were the sports broadcasters - Bill Stern did mostly football but also had a radio show which he closed with "And that's the three o mark for tonight." The word "thirty" being a newspaperman's code for the end of a column. Clem McCarthy had a staccato delivery and did mostly boxing matches and horse racing. In his excitement he once called the wrong winner in the Kentucky Derby and had to correct himself. He would never get away with that today. But what a voice.! Baseball announcers had the syrupy flavor of the south - Mel Allen - Red Barber - By Saam - they brought the game alive to you
and heaven forbid you had to listen to a game fed by teletype. Radio was king until Milton Berle appeared on the twelve inch black & white screen in your living room. more later.
tjs

Floor, please?

You recently met my friend the Port Chaplain. One day he was visiting a sick parishioner in the hospital, he wearing his full cleric suit and Roman collar. After stepping on the elevator the elevator operator turned to him and said - "Reverend, Ise the same as you is, except I work during the week." Badda Bing! I think Father Tom replied in Latin and perhaps extended a blessing on the fellow's parentage.
teejay8232@aol.com

Ethnic Humor

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew were trekking thru the desert apparently having lost their camels or run out of gas. The following exchange ensued:
Frenchman said "I am really thirsty, I would love to have a cool glass of French wine."
German said "I am dying of thirst, I could crave a cold glass of German beer."
The Jew said " I am really, really thirsty - I must have diabetes."
teejay8232@aol.com

True Confessions

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, a Rabbi and an Episcopalian priest went on a fishing trip together to further the spirit of Ecumenism with no cell phones, hand helds or other distractions. The quiet isolation provoked discussion and it was suggested that each "confess" their most serious transgression to the group presumably to foster group absolution. The following ensued:
A - Catholic priest said he sometimes went to the race track and overbet.
B- The Baptist Minister admitted that when on vacation he headed to the nearest bar.
C - The Rabbi acknowledged that when traveling he yearned for a pork sandwich.
D - The Episcopalian was reluctant to participate but after coaxing said "I am the town gossip and I  can't wait to get home."
teejay8232@aol.com

Vaudeville

Recently, I introduced you to the late Fr. John Seary, O.S.A. - he had a sister Catherine who had a lovely cultured voice and she teamed with her friend Tilly on piano and they joined a vaudeville tour riding the rails - unchaperoned - thru the small towns of America. This didn't last long and they both found other pursuits. Tilly landed in a music store in midtown Manhattan playing piano from sheet music which was how you sold songs as many homes had pianos as the central source of entertainment. One day her store manager came to her and said "There is a Broadway entertainer staying at the Biltmore Hotel and he needs an accompanist to rehearse, so hurry over there - they are expecting you," The entertainer turned out to be Al Jolson  at the peak of his career- Oh Mammy!
Tilly married my friend Stew T. and their house parties were lots of fun - with Tilly tickling the ivories and Stew doing his Ted Lewis imitation of "Me and my shadow" as he strutted across the floor.
One night I jumped in behind him with my collar up as his shadow. It was all impromptu and in the long ago.
teejay8232@aol.com

Timing is everything

In the Philadelphia pier office we had a fellow who drew our stowage plans for the ships. He went by Sam M. but his real name was Salvatore M. a native of South Philly - very volatile personality - we always thought he might be "connected". Sam had a large home on South Broad Street with an equally large front lawn - the kind you might see with a couple of flamingoes on it. It was a time when the city was building a new Food Center about seven blocks east of Broad St. and the excavation was causing the rodents to migrate west and some took up residence on Sam's lawn. He railed about this to all within earshot and someone suggested he call the Mayor. The mayor of Philadelphia at the time was Richardson C. Dilworth, a fiesty Wasp politician with a nasal voice who always wore double-breasted pinstripe suits custom made on Savile Row in London. But he had been a U.S. Marine officer in WWII and was no pushover. Sam - (thru his connections) obtained Dilworth's private phone number and with fellow pier workers egging him on he dialed the Mayor. Dilworth answered the phone and Sam gave him an earful.
When the caller paused for breath Dilworth said the following "Now you listen to me, I just got off the sinking of the ANDREA  DORIA, I lost all my baggage and wardrobe, this is my first day back in the office and you have to call me about rodents!!!" For the first time in his life our friend Sam was speechless.
Timing is everything!
teejay8232@aol.com

In the 'Hood

Growing up in pre-WWII in Philadelphia, your whole world was confined within one square block of row houses. One one side we had German, Irish and Italian and on the opposite side were Jewish, Irish, English and Greek. Everyone got along - we were all in the same boat. There was no discrimination - The Irish kids beat up on everyone. What with gas rationing and the scarcity of autos, the street became our playground. The girls jumped rope with long clothline ropes and they were very quick afoot. They made up songs to accompany the jumping and when they inserted two ropes and called it "double Dutch" it was a thing to behold. Both sexes played Hop Scotch and I could hop on one leg to compete while could never match the females with their rope games. The boys' game was stick ball - all you needed was a cut off broomstick and a pink hollow rubber ball called a Spaldeen. Usually a manhole cover was designated as home plate with the trees and gas lamposts as bases. In those days certain merchants delivered supplies to your doorstep using horse and wagon transport. The milkman came in early morning - you could hear the clip-clop of the horse's hooves - the milk was in returnable glass bottles and the rattling of the empty bottles at 6AM preceded the alarm clock. But the bakery goods arrived in mid-afternoon usually during a stick ball game - we begged the driver - not for sample sweets but to please not park the horse over home plate. Were the horse to have an accident then the game would be called and what could a guy do on a summer day? Perhaps mow the lawn or visit the library? Are you kidding? How about a cold Pepsi under a shade tree.!!
More later.
teejay8232@aol.com

Retreat Master

A colleague introduced me to the late Rev. John Seary, O.S.A. who had taught in various high schools and colleges operated by the Augustinian order. When I met him he was a retired retreat master who had traveled the college circuit - Merrimac - Villanova - and their Florida institution. One spring he was giving a religious retreat to Villanova sophomores (pre coed) - the weather was balmy and the windows were open with these twenty-year olds slouching in their chairs and wishing they were elsewhere.
He recognized that he could not reach them that morning so he threw away his script and announced -"Today we are going to discuss "courtship" - and his listeners all straightened up in their chairs. And he began to recite the following:
"Last night I held your little hand - so thrilled was I - I thought I'd die - 
 my blood ran hot and then ran cold - of little hands one loves to hold -
 no other hand in all the world could greater solace bring  -
 than the little hand I held last night - FOUR ACES AND A KING."
teejay8232@aol.com

Chicago

Recently, I introduced you to the late Fr. Tom Wassel, port chaplain of Philadelphia. I had been assisting him with communion breakfasts and membership drives and as a reward he invited me to accompany him to Chicago for a Chaplains convention. It would be my first airplane flight - a turbo-jet Phila. to Midway Chicago. I figured that if anything went wrong with the plane I had the Sky-pilot in the next seat
to give me absolution. The convention was downtown in the Loop and he booked us into the upscale Palmer House (circa 1960). It was Thanksgiving week and our business was concluded on Wednesday.
I thought we would be heading home but he was in no hurry to return to his parish and suggested we stay for Thanksgiving Dinner in Chicago. It was cold and blustery and I said that the Palmer House had an early dinner show with Sophie Tucker entertaining. I had seen Sophie on Ed Sullivan's TV show and she was pure as driven snow. But not in a night club setting and Sophie came out in a cowboy outfit and did a red hot mama show with lots of double entendre. The bluer Sophie got - the redder Fr. Tom's neck got. I said mea culpa, mea culpa and it was a quiet flight home.
teejay8232@aol.com

Drying out

The late nightclub comedian Joe. E. Lewis had a problem with the sauce and after a particularly serious binge he was convinced to enter a drying out facility for re-hab etc. The doctor handling his admission began interrogating him thusly - "Joe, I understand your drink of preference is Johnny Walker Black Label. How much do you drink per day? Would you say perhaps one glass, two glasses, a pint? Joe stopped him right there. He said, a pint? - Doc, I spill that much.!!!

This is the same sage who once opined "You can lead a horse to water but if you can get him to do the backstroke, ya got somethin'!"
teejay8232@aol.com

Cross Word

Each day I make a valiant attempt to solve the N.Y. Times crossword puzzle. I figure it will keep my mind sharp. The monday puzzles are usually solvable but they get more difficult as the week wears on and the Sunday puzzle requires a committee a/o a long day at the beach. Quite often their clues can be "cute". In a recent puzzle the clue was "neighbor of John" for a five letter word. At first I thought it was a biblical name - or perhaps it might be RINGO - but I was wrong - the answer was BIDET i.e. a neighbor of John.........
teejay8232@aol.com

Thanksgiving

I sit here today surrounded by family and loved ones to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving Day. But twenty-four years ago I spent Thanksgiving alone with a deli takeout box lunch. It was then that my employer of thirty-six years - United States Lines - declared bankruptcy on the Monday before the holiday - without warning -  with many of my friends forced onto the unemployment lines. I was lucky or unlucky to be reassigned to "rear guard" activity manning the phones and telexes around the clock 24/7 as our fleet of vessels was spread out around the globe and were vulnerable to seizure or placarding.
We all survived this event and life goes on but today some people dear to me are spending this holiday alone and my heart and good wishes go out to them. As we sit at table today and after Grace and Thanksgiving are pronounced I will request an extra portion of stuffing but will pass on the  Brussels Sprouts..
teejay8232@aol.com

Tour Traveler

A fellow jumped into the barber's chair for his bi-weekly trim and announced that he was planning a guided tour of Italy. The following exchanged ensued:
BB - Where are you going to stay?
TT - We are booked into the Excelsior Hotel a five star facility.
BB - It's overpriced and overrated  - you won't like it. What else have you planned.?
TT - I always wanted to have Fettucini at Alfredo's.
BB - It's a tourist trap, the pasta is overcooked and you won't get a table. What else?
TT - We have arranged an audience with the Pope.
BB - You won't get near him - you'll be behind the ropes and lucky to see him from the upper window.
A month later our TT returned to the barber shop and the BB asked him how was your trip?
TT - The Excelsior was fabulous, first class, heated towel racks in the bathroom etc. and the Fettucini at Alfredo's was al dente and the chef mixed the pasta at our table. And we had a private audience with the Pope!!
BB - I'm impressed - what did the Pope say to you.?
TT - He asked me where did you get that lousy haircut.!
teejay8232@aol.com

Port Chaplain

When I worked in the shipping industry in Philadelphia I became acquainted with the Catholic Port Chaplain Fr. Tom Wassel. He came out of the Pennsylvania coal region but adapted easily to the South Philadelphia waterfront. He maintained a small chapel on Pier 98 to minister to seamen in port as well as the longshoremen working the docks. One Sunday I visited the pier to touch and feel the cargo - on the job training. Fr. Tom collared me and said he needed me to do the readings at mass. It happened to be the first Sunday of Advent and the reading was one of St. Paul's letters to the Romans where he admonished his listeners to abstain from drunkeness and fornication and the lot. So here was this young "acolyte" at the lectern reading Paul's words to a couple dozen rugged dockworkers, some of whom might have been out the night before doing some of the things that Paul was railing about.
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - Tour Traveler

State Fair

Some years ago when I was working the traffic desk at USL Philadelphia I received a phone call from a fellow who wanted to ship a trailer-load of stuffed teddy bears to Honolulu for the upcoming State Fair.
He was part of a carnival group and this was a Ma & Pa operation. A price of $3000. was negotiated  (prepaid since these carny folks had no banking channels) and delivery to the dock was set for a Friday afternoon. On the appointed day Ma & Pa arrived with their cargo - Pa driving and Ma holding a large "carpet" bag. The pier office was crowded with clerks, checkers and dockworkers when Ma strode in, approached the chief clerk and turned her carpet bag upside down thereby dumping three thousand crumpled dollar bills on his desk. The assembled group were "bugeyed" - they had never seen such a pile of greenbacks like that. Now in those days the banks all closed at 3:00PM - there were no drop boxes or ATMS and the petty cash drawer couldn't hold such a windfall so the poor freight cashier had to carry this bundle home to babysit over the weekend.
teejay8232@aol.com

Adlai E. Stephenson

Adlai E. Stephenson was a former governor of Illinois when he ran against Dwight D. Eisenhower for president in 1952 & again in 1956 losing both times. It was thought that he was too intellectual for the time with the 1950s being between two wars and IKE appeared more paternal to the average voter as well as a war hero.  Later JFK appointed him as U.N. ambassador where he confronted the Russians during the Cuban missile crisis.
Stephenson's wit and erudition was in evidence after giving a speech one evening on a subject that escapes me but whatever the content it provoked a comment from the audience asking him to compare  Norman Vincent Peale, a Manhattan minister,  to  St. Paul.
When asked his opinion Stephenson replied  - "Frankly, I found Paul appealing and Peale appalling." This without benefit of speech writers, handlers or P.R. men. Today's politicians confuse buzzwords with wit.
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - State Fair

Winston Churchill

When Winston Churchill was a young member of parliament he sported a tiny mustache on his round face. After a speech one night in his district he was accosted by a lady who said to him "I don't like your policies and I don't like your stupid mustache." To which Churchill responded "Madam, I assure you that you shall never become familiar with either."
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - Adlai E. Stephenson

From time to time I would like to share with you some of my experiences and the characters I have met during a half century in the steamship business. Hope I do not bore anyone.

Brevity with levity

An old parish pastor was assigned a new young priest right out of the seminary. As Sunday approached the young curate grew anxious about his first homily. He went to the old man and confessed his anxiety and asked "What shall I speak about at Sunday Mass?" The pastor replied "Speak about six minutes."
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - Winston Churchill

Tomorrow we will be traveling up north for Thanksgiving returning Nov. 30. - during that time my posting schedule may be affected by the ability to transmit in temporary quarters. I will try to publish daily if conditions permit. Stay tuned.

Don't overlook the "comment" section - while I don't take rejection well I would like some feedback from my readers - perhaps we could foster a dialogue....................

Football Rivalries

Late November is the time for many traditional football rivalries i.e. Penn-Cornell, Army-Navy, etc but for New Englanders, there is Harvard-Yale and particularly Boston College vs Holy Cross, two Jesuit institutions both in Massachusetts.  I specifically recall their famous game in November 1940. Boston College was heavily favored and their team included an All-American halfback Mike Holovak. BC was so confident of winning that they had planned a victory dinner celebration at a local night club. But a football takes strange bounces and Holy Cross came out on top. There was so much disappointment in the BC camp that they cancelled their celebration at the Coconut Grove Night club that evening which was the night of the great fire that consumed the facility and caused hundreds to lose their lives. Sometimes you win by losing. It was seventy years ago this month. Many of those athletes soon went off to war to fight a more serious contest on a different field of battle.
teejay8232@aol.com
Next - Brevity with levity.

The Violinist and the Lady

The famous violinist Fritz Kreisler was recruited to perform for a Women's group. He met with the head lady to discuss his suggested musical program and informed her his fee would be $1000. This was all acceptable but she laid out her conditions:
A - I want you to arrive one half hour before our luncheon.
B - I want you to use the servants' entrance.
C - and I do NOT want you mingling with my guests.

He replied "Madam, if I am not required to mingle with your guests then my fee will be only $500."

teejay8232@aol.com
Tomorrow - "Football Rivalries"

Bridal Jitters

There is a story told of a young bride-to-be who grew very nervous as the big day approached. She went to her mother saying she was not sure she could go thru with the wedding. Her wise mother said "Not to worry - just remember the following three words and you will be just fine."
AISLE - concentrate on walking down the middle aisle at the church.
ALTAR - your betrothed will be waiting for you there.
HYMN - and the organist will be playing a hymn or something from Lohengrin.

So just keep repeating AISLE -ALTAR - HYMN - and all shall be well.

Of course with some guys it's too late for alterations.!!
teejay8232@aol.com

Ambivalence

Did you ever look at a glass and wonder if it was half full or half empty? You get a sense of "ambivalence".
Back home in Philadelphia there was a prominent attorney named Joseph S. Lord who rose thru the legal establishment and was eventually nominated to the Federal Bench. To celebrate this elevation to the Court he invited his partners to a dinner celebration at a local watering hole on Locust Street. It developed into a long and liquid evening and as they exited the premises and while waiting for a taxi the honoree turned to his friends and said "I am overwhelmed with a sense of ambivalence. I don't know whether I am sober as a judge or drunk as a lord."
tjs (and I approve of this message)
PS - My sense of ambivalence is I don't know whether I do my best writing in the morning with a cup of coffee or in the evening with a glass of claret - or none of the above.

Flash

The best line I heard tonight from a political pundit had to do with the write in ballot in Alaska and the various challenges to it. He said we might end up with a runoff between Lisa Murkowski and Monica Lewinsky...............
tjs

The Lowly Potato

An elite Idaho potato got together with a blueblood potato from Maine and together produced a Long Island potato. (North Shore) The youngster was spoiled and opinionated and one day announced to her parents "When I grow up I want to marry Walter Cronkite ." The parents said "You can't marry Walter Cronkite - he's just a commontator." (And a good one he was.)

You can mash it, hash it, slice it and dice it - grocers sell it but Dan Quayle couldn't spell it.
tjs

Birthday

Today November 11, 2010 is my birthday - I share this date with a fellow Scorpio my late and respected father-in-law John F. McDevitt. The calendar reminds me that I am eighty-one years old. This is an incredible number. In Super Bowl years it is LXXXI - you wonder how the Romans dealt with such numbering at the grocery store.

For those of you who missed my birthday you can redeem yourselves next year. A peek at next year's calendar reveals the date to be --- 11-11-11 a perfect tri-fecta for a gambler at the track. I hope it does not have any Satanic connotations similar to 6-6-6.
Don't get too close to the birthday cake - the candle power will singe your hair - and I hope I have the wind power to extinguish it.
"They" say as we get older the memory is the second thing to go - and I can't remember what the first thing is.
So, many happy returns of the day.
tjs

Clarity of Language

During my years in International Commerce I had to communicate with many people in Europe and South America whose first language was not English. I always tried to avoid any slang, jargon or acronyms to ensure I was understood. I wanted to avoid the following scenario:

This story is about a plumber (call him Joe) from Grand Rapids Michigan who was about to undertake a project and needed to know the effect of sulphuric acid on cast iron. (pre-Google). He decided to write to the U.S. Dept. of Labor in Washington D.C. who he felt would know the answer. The following exchange ensued:
JOE - defined his dilemma.
USDL - Thank you for your inquiry. Be advised that sulphuric acid is contraindicated for your project.
JOE - Thank you for your prompt reply. I have just ordered a carboy (large bell shaped jar) of acid.
USDL - (via air mail) - Please note that sulphuric acid is deleterious to cast iron.
JOE - I appreciate your interest - the acid just arrived and I plan to start the project tomorrow.
USDL - (via telegram) DON'T USE THE ACID - IT EATS THE HELL OUT OF CAST IRON!!
Clear - concise and correct.
tjs

Correction

An observant church-going reader has reminded me that the bleacher sign actually read JOHN 3:16 in short that Christ gave his life for us. My reference to JOHN 2:18 reads "the end is near." - which might have been a sign I  saw in the bottom of the ninth inning. In any event I was too generous with Tommy John's ERA record.
tjs

Bleacher Smells

The recent World Series was played between the Texas Rangers of the American League and the San Francisco Giants of the National League. It is rare for a American League team to play in the other league's back yard. So it was a strange environment for the Ranger's centerfielder when he first entered the Giants AT&T field which abuts the Bay marina. This star player was a recovering  addict and had come through re-hab for alcohol and drug addiction to post a spectacular season. But he must have had an acute sense of smell for he told reporters of the sweet aroma wafting out from the right-centerfield bleachers on the breeze from McCovey Cove. After all, this was San Francisco and it probably was not "Medical Marijuana" that he smelled. I have a friend who had season tickets in that bleacher area and I must ask my friend if this story is correct.

The last time I smelled such "sweetness" was while on a schooner sailing thru the British Virgin Islands and the captain put into a remote island called Jost Van Dyke where a spooky guy named Foxy operated an outdoor bar - there was no electricity on the island just kerosene lamps hanging with a pig on the spit and the sweet aroma of pot wafting thru the trees. With flashlight in one hand and the other on my wallet
I retreated to the safety of the ship to admire the stars which were not obscured by any blue smoke.
tjs

Bleacher Signs

Having just witnessed the recent World Series one can't help noticing the number of signs held up by fans to attract the roving cameras - some more clever than others. In the past there was always one that stood out and appeared at every outdoor arena and stadium - truly ubiquitous. It read in large print
JOHN 2:18 and was a reference to Scripture about repentance and salvation. I haven't seen this fellow recently and perhaps he has gone to his eternal reward.

A friend of mine when first seeing this sign thought it was a reference to the baseball pitcher Tommy John's earned run average - which was down around 2.18.  Perhaps my friend never opened his New Testament. It's all in the eyes of the beholder............
tjs

MidTerm Elections

Have you ever noticed that after midterm elections the losers never go home? Say Tom Daschle, Trent Lott, John Breaux, Dick Armey, Bob Dole etc etc - they just go down to K street and hang out shingles - this happens every two years and K street must be bulging with lobbyists. They won't go away, you can never stamp them out - they survive like cockroaches.

In 1940 FDR was re-elected to a third term in a landslide. He took many first time congressmen in with him on his coattails. This included a group of Irish Mafia from Philadelphia - Bill Green, Herb McGlinchy,Frank Smith, Mike Bradley and Phil(?) Granahan. Two years later in 1942 there was the usual off year election and all except Green were bounced. But the party took care of their loyalists:
McGlinchy was made Director of Public roads for Penna.
Frank Smith was given the Insurance Commissioner job in Penna.
Mike Bradley was made Collector of Customs for the Phila Port - a federal plum.
and Granahan's widow became Treasurer of the United States and her signature appeared on our paper currency.
Not much has changed in seventy years and the wheels of government grind on.
tjs

Shyness

There is a story told of a shy young man who desired to improve his technique with the ladies. He thought perhaps he might find some pearls of wisdom in the local library. So off he went but was embarrassed to ask for help and proceeded to roam the aisles at random. He located a book whose spine cover bore the title "HOW TO HUG". He thought this might be a beginning and rather than checking it out he tucked it in his coat and rushed home. When he opened it he found it was the Sixth volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica H O W  TO  H U G . The moral here is always ask for assistance, it might get you a date with the librarian.
tjs

Wedding Day

Nov.2,2010

When my wife and I decided to get married I was living in New York and she in Penna. As the big day approached my prospective in-laws invited me to stay at the McDevitt household to minimize any travel strain. The exchange of vows was scheduled for 3:00PM and by mid-day I was already vested in my formal attire and pacing the floor when the doorbell rang. On the doorstep was the wedding photographer
who greeted me thusly - "Are you the father of the bride?" I tried to relieve his embarrassment as I didn't want a nervous finger on the camera. Anyway, I did pay his bill and many of you are in these photos and he did a fine job of touching up on all of us.
tjs 11-02-10

Election Eve

- Chris Matthews asked that bubba Hayley Barbour if he would consider running for Pres. in 2012 - he hedged - he will be the leader of the Boys Club to block Sarah. If he gets in the White House they will have to resurrect William Howard Taft's bathtub to handle his averdupois.? (that's kilos)

-The Alaska write in vote will take weeks to count  - we have hanging chad experts in Fla. we can send up there to speed things up. And Jimmy Carter could keep them honest.

- On a serious note - the recent census of 2010 will cause redistricting in the House - i.e. they say six or seven seats could leave the midwest and head south with the population shifting. This fact is being lost in the current hoopla.

As they used to say in Harrisburg - "Down the line with Duff & Fine.

Immigration

My cleaning lady is Irish.
My lawn cutter is Latino.
My pool boy is from Kosovo.
My masseuse is from Russia (with the hands of a stevedore)
My trainer is from Germany - very demanding and authoritative.
and my watch repairman is Romanian. (who listens to Rush Limbaugh)

I do not ask these people for their papers - I am furnishing them employment - I am giving them JOBS.

I have a friend from New Jersey now living in Phoenix Arizona - I asked him if he carries his passport with him whereever he goes - he said No - but he does carry a can of sun block so he doesn't appear too tan.

The Political Scene - 2010

 I am repeating my initial blog post of 10/29/10 to mark two years of blogging - much of it is still relevant today:
Tea Party - There is one candidate on the Florida ballot under this party heading. Running for commissioner of Agriculture - His slogan is "If it's manure - you know it's pure" It has a cadence similar to "If the glove don't fit - you must aquit." I may give him my vote as my rose bushes are in need of his product.

E.J. Dionne is a reputable journalist/columnist - he writes that the ODonnell effect is bleeding "across the river" from Del. to Penna. That's what happens when the pundits within the beltway stick their noses into local issues. Perhaps he meant the Brandywine Creek. I am ambivalent about Del. - I love their liquor prices but I hate their toll booths on I95. If they were the First State why didn;'t they make it bigger?

Due to my age I am waiting for them to reinstitute a "literacy" test - after all when a Cardinal reaches 80 he can no longer vote for a new Pope. Such discrimination! I will call my lobbyist at AARP.

However the survey calls have dropped off - not even a midnight Robo call from Sandra Day OConnor.
When we lived in the 49th Ward in Phila. the Republican committeeman lived down the block. On election day he would come to Dad and say "Joe, I know you are voting for FDR but my boss in City Hall is running for Janitor or something and appreciate if you could "pull that lever" for him. thanks.
Yes, politics is  (are) all local.
tjs
next - TBA