Round Table Wit

"a cat hospital where they charged $4. a weak purr." - George S. Kaufman


"How do you look when I'm sober?" - Ring Lardner

"You may lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think."- Dorothy Parker

"Repartee is what you wish you'd said." - Heywood Broun

"I do most of my work sitting down. That's where I shine." - Robert Benchley

"Big Wars are very costly to the losers." - Franklin P. Adams quoting the Herald Tribune.

tjs (Note - the table pictured here is not THE Round Table)

Today marks nine months since my first posting October 29, 2010. Since that is the normal gestation period I hope I have "delivered". I have tried to comment on the passing parade and life as I witness it.
I hope I might have brightened your day in some small way.
Next - A Matter of Style (Mon.)

Product Placement

There is a scene in Woody Allen's "Midnight in Paris" where the prospective mother-in-law has returned from shopping holding a large shopping bag with the letters D I O R  front and center - scene lasts all of ten seconds and this product placement is common in films and TV - some subtle and some in your face.

I do not normally watch the FOX channel as they have a way of elevating my blood pressure. But the other night I was flipping the channels and came across that altar boy, Sean Hannitty, asking his leading hypothetical questions of a three member panel. One panel member was a priest in his black suit and wearing a Roman collar. I could not figure what he had to contribute to the political discourse and admittedly, I did not wait around to find out. Then it hit me - "product placement"! - but not very subtle.
Please excuse the rant - it appears we are in for a long season of political punditry colored by a dose of posturing, pandering and puffery.
tjs
Next - Round Table Wit

Shrinking Borders

The Borders Group who had been trying to emerge from bankruptcy have now decided to liquidate and close the remaining four hundred stores affecting 10,700 employees. This is sad for the forty year old chain who unlike Barnes & Noble, failed to move into digital books. I recall Nora Ephron's 1988 movie "You've got mail" wherein Tom Hanks with his bookstore chain caused Meg Ryan to shut down her independent bookstore. And now the chain itself is broken - a victim of the digital world. However, the N.Y. Times reports that independent book stores are already feeling an increase in business from the Borders closings. As shelf space becomes scarce some publishers are printing fewer copies which might save a few trees in Nova Scotia. I always enjoyed browsing in our neighborhood Borders store with their comfortable stuffed chairs, quiet environment, wireless and coffee bar. Presumably, I didn't spend enough. Now there is one less comfort station for us seniors during the winter. At least my own publisher, Lulu.com is still in business altho I haven't seen my first royalty check yet.
tjs
Next - Product Placement

Good Nose

The dateline was Sydney, Australia in the N.Y. Times July 23.  A 20 foot shipping container holding 462 cases of expensive Shiraz wine toppled from a fork lift and shattered on a warehouse floor. The winemaker, Sparky Marquis, of Mollydooker Wines in South Australia was quoted "When they opened up the container, they said it was like a murder scene - there was red everywhere." Curiously, both Sparky and his wife Sarah are both left-handed and the word "Mollydooker" is Australian slang for "lefty". Amid the sea of shiraz and broken glass, there was one tantalizing consolation - "It smelled phenomenal" said Sparky. Somebody should remind him that it's a right handed world - but certainly not sinister.
tjs
Next - Shrinking Borders

Stolen Identity

Some years ago one of our salesmen was entertaining clients at lunch in a nearby restaurant. He would be using his personal credit card to pay the bill. When the bill arrived he sent his credit card backstage and when it arrived back he stuffed it in his wallet, gave his signature and was pre-occupied with parting handshakes, etc.  The cashier must have been deluged with all the plastic as the card returned to him was not his and this "error" was not noticed for several days. Meanwhile, my man's card went around town purchasing food & drink and other goodies. Back then both AMEX and VISA used those tear out receipts with carbon paper inserts that replicated your signature and would give a possessor access to practice your "Palmer Method". When we finally were extricated from the "mixup" we no longer patronized that establishment.
In a more modern era one of my colleagues - call him Tom Jones -  embarked on a lengthy business trip outside the country. Upon his return thru Miami International Airport he was advised that there was a warrant out for his arrest. Someone posing as Tom Jones was cutting a swath thru Florida towns purchasing appliances and various high priced items and was staying one town ahead of the authorities.
The real TJ being out of the country was not able to receive the verification calls but fortunately his passport reflected him being in a foreign country on the days the illegal purchases were made. So they let him go home but cautioned him not to go near a police station until the issue was cleared up else he would be apprehended on sight.
The moral is be wary - be alert - be vigilant - there are bad people out there. Last week (7/19) Huffington Post Tech Section did an article on password protection in the digital era. It was worth reading.
tjs
Next- Good Nose

Epitaphs IV

Everybody loves somebody sometime.      (Dean Martin)

Here lies Matthew Mudd - death did him no hurt - when alive he was only Mudd -  now he's only dirt.

Excuse my dust.                                          (Dorothy Parker)

The best is yet to come.                               (Frank Sinatra)

Curiosity did not kill this cat.                      (Studs Terkel)

Do not walk on the grass.                            (Peter Ustinov)

During the current heat wave let's stay cool so we don't join the above folks.

tjs
Next - Stolen Identity(Mon.)

Windows

It was circa 1978 and I was living in New York and my wife-to-be was living in Philadelphia. She and her three sisters had planned a visit to NYC for a Saturday theatre matinee and I had arranged to meet them post final curtain at the Algonquin Hotel which has an old school lobby with stuffed chairs and sofas with little bells on the tables to summon the waiters. Subsequently, as we were headed to the Plaza Hotel to sample the ambiance, I asked whether any of them had ever visited the Windows on the World in the World Trade Center. Answering no, we turned the cabby around and headed downtown to the West Street entrance and up on the elevator to the 100th+ floor.  As we entered the lounge - me escorting four attractive women - someone asked me whether we were an airline crew. It was very flattering. The World Trade Center had only been open a few years and the Windows was a favorite spot for foreign visitors. Our Japanese guests with their cameras particularly enjoyed it. One of the Pizzerellis was playing guitar with a trio and as dusk settled in the skyline view over Manhattan was spectacular. The restrooms in that facility resembled Roman baths. And then twenty-three years later on 9/11 our world changed. In a few months they will be commemorating the tenth anniversary of that sad day. The city has planned many activities in the downtown area leading up to that date and the New York Times should be amplifying details in the weeks ahead. Let us never forget.
tjs
Next - Epitaphs IV

The Palmer Method

I read recently that the State of Indiana plans to discontinue teaching cursive writing in their schools. Instead they are talking about "keyboard proficiency" whatever that is. As a disclaimer I must admit that I print more than I write. But I keep thinking of all those Irish  monks spending hours writing the great books in their longhand scroll. And now nobody writes anymore. We are all texting and tweeting it seems. That is BTW IMO of course!  I think I learned cursive using the "Palmer Method" in third grade.
 We  - seventy children - one nun - progressed from crayons to pencils and at last INK. This was before ballpoints and we had straight pens with nibs and real ink in little inkwells depressed in a front corner of the little desk secured to the floor. If the girl in front of you wore pigtails she was in danger of getting dipped in the inkwell - which I would never do. I could never understand later why they trusted a group of nine year olds with pointed instruments and ever present temptation. It was messy and you never had enough blotters - but learn we did and that nun must be in heaven now. So as I blog along I will practice my "keyboard proficiency."
tjs
Next - Windows

I Love Paris

Last weekend we saw Woody Allen's  "Midnight in Paris" movie which we found most enjoyable and recommend it to everyone. Mentioning Paris, you art lovers out there might find the following of interest - datelined Paris, France. It seems a thief entered the Louvre Museum, avoided detection and walked out with several works of art. He stowed them in a van and took off down the road and after several kilometers, ran out of petrol and was apprehended. While being interrogated by the authorities he was asked how after such a foolproof plan he could overlook such a detail. He replied "Monsieur, I didn't have any MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH." And yes, it took a lot of DE GAULLE to tell that story. (Reprinted from Vol. 4 No. 21  June 8, 2007 Eagle Blue)
tjs
Next -The Palmer Method

Nice Guys

Leo Durocher was wrong when he said "Nice guys finish last." NY Times July 15 article reports on a study of wild baboons in Kenya that the "alpha" male has a higher stress level than the lower class "beta" presumably caused by fighting off challenging rivals and protecting the fertile females. This finding debunks an earlier theory so all we nice guys should feel better about ourselves.
tjs
Next - I love Paris.

Vacation

After 17 days and 1944 round trip miles we are finally back in Jacksonville. The last week was a busy one: On July 11 we celebrated our late mother-in-law's birthday, my sister-in-law's expanded assignment and my son's new job in Manhattan - a veritable trifecta! July 12 was celebrated as Orangemen's Day in Ireland when the Protestants beat their big bass drums. It reminds me of that Irish song lyric "Me father he was Orange and me mother she was Green." July 13 we hit the road and arrived home on July 14 which is Bastille Day in France. We usually raise the Tricolor on the flagstaff, play some French music, have a bit of quiche and some champagne, but with the Dow Jones faltering we will probably drink "domestic". Anyway, it is nice to be home and with a few "quid" still in my pocket.
tjs
PS - Don't miss the Women's Soccer on Sunday afternoon for the World Cup Finals - they are a very exciting team and will play Japan in Frankfurt, Germany.
Next - TBA

Funny or Punny

Recently a friend sent us a collection of PUNishing PUNS to relieve the tedium of the summer. Since I will be traveling for the next several days I am sharing two days worth with you.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week ...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f s h.

tjs

Next - TBA

Second Acts

I arrived back in Philadelphia last weekend, a city I left thirty-five years ago. There was some change in the skyline but much remained the same - the cheese steaks, scrapple and Tastykake. My best friend from third grade is still there. I also met my wife in this town. So you CAN go home again. I began to think of Garrison Keillor's opening line to his radio show: "Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all the children are above average." As Keillor does, we all take pride in our home town. Oh, and the Philly fans are loud, loyal and demanding and they still play Kate Smith at the ice hockey games.
tjs
Next - TBA

Mood Indigo

We have been trying to sell our home in Florida for the last fourteen months. During that time we have had eighteen prospects visit. Each visit mandates that we leave the premises so the prospects can meander uninhibited. You can tire of visiting the library so we located a new watering hole within a fifteen minute drive called The Indigo Hotel. It is a charming and friendly boutique facility with a outdoor patio overlooking a lake with a steady breeze. There are a few ducks paddling and a couple of herons wading near the shore. We keep waiting for the pelican parade but they seem to prefer the coastline. Their wine glasses are imprinted with the following mantra:
"Traveling the world - one glass of wine at a time - embrace the moment." After twenty years in Florida as we prepare to leave we now find a new hangout and as the realtors keep walking thru we have a few more moments to embrace.
tjs
Next -Second Acts

Quiet Places

A friend of mine spent his honeymoon in New Zealand the land of the Kiwis. You can't get much farther down under than there. There is not much to do at night and the most excitement is found by going to the town square to watch the sheep being shorn.
Some years ago I spent some time in St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands. I learned after the fact that there are three things you can do on the island: you can go to Christiansted, or you can go to Fredericksted - or you can go to bed instead.

Of course, the quietest place is the cemetery and while I am in Philadelphia I will be visiting the family plot and say a few Aves for those who have gone ahead.
tjs
Next - TBA

War Heroes Sequel

When France surrendered to the Nazis in 1940 there was a rush to evacuate out of France. Among the refugees on the VILLE DE LIEGE was the mayor of Bordeaux. When Captain Jorgensen next returned to that port on the PIONEER COVE fifteen years later he was afforded a hero's welcome. Coincidentally, Capt. Don who related the original story was himself a fifteen year old Dutch boy on a grain ship from Argentina also anchored at the mouth of the Gironde River and witnessed the Luftwaffe bombing on the vessels around the same time. Three decades later he replaced Capt Jorgensen on the PIONEER COVE. Bill Stern could not have written a more gripping story.
tjs
Next - Quiet Places

War Heroes

One of my favorite sea captains at USLines was a large, amiable Norwegian, Captain Arnt Jorgensen, Master of the S.S. PIONEER COVE. His ship called at Philadelphia every seven weeks and was dedicated to the Bordeaux/Bilbao run and this was circa mid 1950s.  But in an earlier life he made another visit to Bordeaux which was related to me via Capt. L. Don who followed Capt. Jorgensen in command of the COVE.  Capt. Don  joined the COVE in Savannah in 1968. Capt. Jorgensen had just died and Don was collecting his effects which included a letter from Eric Severeid dated June 23, 1940. Severeid was one of Ed Murrow's boys and later an anchor with CBS/ABC. The letter is a transcript of a broadcast from London BBC and is quoted below in its entirety.
"If I'm in England tonight I owe it to a young Norwegian American Captain, Captain Jorgensen of the steamship VILLE DE LIEGE. His was the last ship out of Bordeaux, and to this captain two hundred Czechs and Poles certainly owe their lives. At the last moment he took them too, and his crew clambered one after another up that swinging Jacobs ladder with the children clinging to their necks. The Captain slept on the bridge, gave up his room to them. The crew doubled up. The steward fed them all on the little food we had. There were a hundred too many for the lifeboat space, so the men were sent off the boat deck, except soldiers posted with our sole defense - those ancient French army rifles.
While we were anchored in the river the first night I stood on deck in pajamas and a steel helmet watching a British cruiser 500 yards away blazing at a German bomber. In the morning streaks of oil, loose spars and oars floated past us. One ship had been sunk. An hour later we left the mouth of the river (Gironde) and a bomber got one more. Our sister ship VILLE DE NAMUR was torpedoed near us and sank. The refugees never knew that. They didn't know that every time the Dutch radio operator climbed to the bridge with a sheet of paper another ship had gone down around us. Five or six in all, but we moved in a wide circle up to Northern Ireland. At first the Poles and Czechs acted toward each other like Poles and Czechs, but the last night, in the messroom, a Czech played the piano and a Czech woman sang peasant songs. The wounded Polish general with the tired, white face was present to indicate officially that all was forgiven. On the bridge next morning they went together and gave their respective army badges to the Captain. When the tender pulled away with them on it the ship blew a farewell blast and all of them cheered the Norwegian American who had eluded the German army and German submarines and got them to England for one more chance at life."
Eric Severeid, June 23, 1940.
tjs
Next - War Heroes sequel.

NASA

 I think it takes a well rounded person to become an Astronaut. NASA selects the cream of the crop from the various branches of the services.  They put them thru a battery of tests - both physical and mental - to gauge their suitability.  I heard of a would be Astronaut being interrogated by a psychologist. The head doctor handed him a blank piece of paper and asked him what he saw in it. The applicant answered that it's upside down. I guess when you are spinning around in orbit with zero gravity a lot of things look upside down........I think he passed the test.
tjs
Next - War Heroes

Carolina in the Morning

June 30, 2011

After 803 miles and a pleasant 90 minute ferry crossing I am finally in Cape May, N.J. esconced in my in-laws summer home two blocks from the beach. The trip was uneventful with one exception. At about 5:40AM Wednesday the fire alarm went off in the hotel in North Carolina rousing us from bed. The alarm was a high pitched screech accompanied by strobe lights which lasted fifteen minutes and could be heard by every dog within miles. I yelled to my wife “Grab your jewelry!”  So you could see where my priorities were. She said “What about me?” The management calmed everyone by explaining that a waffle iron in the kitchen began smoking. And I wanted waffles for breakfast, too.

South Jersey is east of Jacksonville so the sun rises about a half-hour earlier. We have the luxury of sleeping with the windows open but with such an early sunrise the birds start chirping around five A.M.. And on the first night we were welcomed by a skunk who wafted his aroma at the house around three A.M. – welcome to Cape May! But the real pleasure is listening to the surf at high tide when the wind is right. There is nothing quite so soothing after a long drive.

tjs

Next - TBA
 PS - See NYTimes travel section Sun. July3 for 36 hours in Cape May.