Slow news week

The following appeared in the news last week in case you missed them:


Michael Jackson's statue was removed from a London soccer stadium. How it got there is its own story. But the King of Pop was covered  in bubble wrap and exited horizontally. It may go to auction or join a private collection. This reminds one of the line "Elvis has left the building."

Rutgers has updated its Alma Mater after 140 years to accommodate their female population who now number fifty percent of the student body. Other institutions of higher learning who have also done so are Dartmouth, Princeton, Davidson, West Point and Penn State.

Dick Cheney's rifle jammed during an antelope hunt in Wyoming and he failed to get a buck for his team. There were no injuries this time - just a large dose of embarrassment. I wasn't aware he was still handling firearms. They blamed the malfunction on Remington Arms. Somebody has to take the blame.
tjs

Excess Pondering

The LAST of Steven Wright...........

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me "I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder."

Why to psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism,  to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
tjs

Traffic Jam

It had to happen! No, I'm not talking about the Manhattan gridlock when the U.N. comes to town.  It seems that a commercial cargo spacecraft was unable to dock at the International Space Station last Sunday due to a software glitch and had to reschedule. But the Russian Soyuz was arriving on Wednesday with three astronauts, so the commercial fellow had to tread "air" and wait until Saturday. I always thought that the congestion in space would be caused by flying debris but instead it is spacecraft causing the "gridlock." Apropos of this issue, the NY Times crossword puzzle on Tuesday featured E.T. that visitor from outer space.  It indicated that he was returning home riding a bicycle thru space. Someone should warn him of the heavy traffic out there.
tjs

DCL

Another milestone down the road of life..............
Coincidentally, DCL represent the initials of a friend of mine but today they signify that the Googler has reminded me that today's posting is my number 650 entry.  At times I have thought of perhaps compiling all this "work" into a hard cover tome which probably would make my coffee table collapse. Librarians would hate me and book stores would shun me. But you could always use it for a door stop. Anyway, I'm glad I stayed awake during Latin 101 class.
tjs

Clarity of Language

A plumber (call him Joe) in Grand Rapids, Michigan was embarking on a project and needed to know the effect of sulfuric acid on cast iron pipes. As this was pre-internet, he decided to seek advice from the U.S. Labor Department  in Washington, D.C. About a week later came the wordy reply, the meat of which read ...."the application of sulfuric acid is contra-indicated in the process you describe." Joe was so pleased with his government's prompt response he thanked them and said...."I have just ordered a 25 gallon carboy (jar) of acid."  In 48 hours he received the following....."sulfuric acid is deleterious to cast iron." With communications flowing from this government agency, Joe replied ....the acid just arrived and I am commencing the project tomorrow." Back came a telegram (Western Union)........"DON'T USE THE ACID, IT EATS THE HELL OUT OF CAST IRON."
tjs
Next - DCL

Two Wheeling

Yesterday, Sunday, NY Times travel section did a three page spread on bicycling thru Vermont, Ireland, Paris etc. And last week they had a photo of Rent-a- Bikes (bike sharing) in their stands which can be found in various sections of Manhattan, threatening Gotham with becoming another Amsterdam. But last month another type of two wheeler appeared as a man in a wheel chair was snatching purses in high end restaurants and hotels with his picture caught on surveillance cameras. Prompt police work by the NYPD apprehended the "wheeling dervish" and just in time before the U.N. folks arrive with their euros.  At his arraignment for grand larceny he said in Spanish he was "muy preocupado" i.e. very worried.  I guess he will need a jail cell on the ground floor.
tjs

Ponderous Pondering

Here's more on Steven Wright:

I almost had a psychic girl friend, but she left me before we met.

O.K. - So what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
tjs

What's the Rub?

As most soccer (futball) fans know, the 2014 World Cup will be played in Brasil. Yesterday, the Associated Press reported the following:  "A Brasilian club was disqualified from the fourth division playoffs because the team's masseur made key saves in a game this month. ...with the game tied at 2-2, the masseur came from behind the net to block two consecutive shots, allowing his team to reach the quarterfinals." He obviously had talented hands but only the goalie can use his hands. We can now anticipate that all the National teams will be including a masseur on their roster - but that would be rubbing it in. (Personally, I prefer a masseuse)
tjs

Change of Seasons

There is a nip in the air which can only mean that Autumn is "a comin in" - which is supported by the appearance of pumpkins and ginger snaps on the shelves. One of the joys of apartment living is no longer having to rake the leaves. We needed a blanket last night in our latitude even though the Equinox is not until this Sunday. But let September go - I have always been saddened when I hear old Walter Huston sing "the days grow short when you reach September" in his tired voice. So let's toast the coming season:
-"Here's to our first parents - Adam and Eve - who wore fig leaves - that's all -
-And here's to my favorite season - Autumn - when the leaves begin to fall."
(Egad - how did that get past the censors?"
tjs

Salvage Operation

Yesterday, Monday, salvage experts commenced the  operation to refloat the partially sunken hull of the cruise ship COSTA CONCORDIA which has been laying on its side for twenty months on an island off Italy.  The vessel weighs 114,000 tons and the process being utilized is called "parbuckling" which was also used to refloat the USS OKLAHOMA after Pearl Harbor. After fifteen painstaking hours they had her partially upright where ballast tanks would further assist. The plan is to have her anchored on a man made seabed for towing in the spring to be scrapped. There is worldwide interest in this engineering feat and of particular local interest as the Titan Salvage partners involved are a subsidiary of Crowley Maritime Corp. my former employer. Global media are covering this and it is worthwhile following.
tjs

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/16/costa-concordia-salvage-operation_n_3933227.html

Sequestration

To accommodate the spending cuts dictated by Congress, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) has announced they will be closing all offices for ten days during the year with only skeletal crews on hand. They haven't announced what dates but these furlough days will be attached to weekends. While I am not running to hide under the bed I don't think I want to know the dates, do you? Elliot Ness where are you when we need you?
tjs

Thoughts to Ponder

A friend supplied the following excerpts from Steven Wright's work with which I had not previously been acquainted:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.

2 - Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
tjs - More later.........

Potpourri

Misplaced protest - Russia, who is hosting the 2014 Winter Olympics, has placed some restraints on its gay and lesbian citizens. As a protest many people are boycotting Russian goods - notably vodka. One popular label being affected is Stolichnaya - but "Stoli" is produced in Latvia - not Russia -  so the poor Lativans are being punished unfairly - again. Be careful what you don't wish for.

Today is Primary Election Day in New York City and the boroughs which always provokes some reminiscences of past campaigns:
-On the national level, in 1952 Dwight D. Eisenhower said "If elected, I will go to Korea!" In 1969 Jimmy Breslin, running for City Council President said "If elected, I will go to Queens!" Perhaps he was referring to John Lindsay's problems of not sending snowplows into Queens. The colorful Breslin is also said to have commented "I am mortified to have taken part in a process that required bars to be closed."
-Then there was the Wisconsin resident who  asked to be buried in Illinois so he could continue to vote.
Adlai Stephenson was asked at a town hall meeting to comment on a remark by the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale that was critical of St. Paul and he replied "I found Paul appealing and Peale appalling."
Adali was brilliant but he ran up against Ike.
-So as we used to say in the 49th Ward "Don't forget to pull that lever."
tjs

Local Color

The Old Vaudevillian used to say "When I awaken in the morning, the first thing I do is read the obituaries, and if I don't see my name listed then I get out of bed." But a few weeks ago the number came up for Thomas "Cozy" Morley, a local comic and musician, spawned in the Two Street neighborhood of South Philly. Cozy played guitar, banjo and ukelele and his comic routine was clean and corny - you could take your mother to his shows. Example: A boy walked into a grocery store and the following exchange ensued:
Boy - How much are your apples?
Grocer - Two for a quarter.
B - How much for one?
G - Fifteen cents.
B - I'll take the other one.
The Port Chaplain with whom I worked often invited Morley to our communion breakfasts on the Philadelphia waterfront and he didn't disappoint - this was his crowd. He operated the Club Avalon in the Anglesea section of North Wildwood, N.J.   They have a statue of him erected down there.
Like many entertainers he had his brushes with the I.R.S. and often mentioned in his act of "the fire he expected next week." So at age 87 Cozy Morley put away the banjo and donned those Golden Slippers to climb that stairway to Heaven.  While he was here he brought much pleasure into our lives. We could surely use some now.
tjs

Social Media Jargon

After a fortnight sabbatical I have returned refreshed to the keyboard to try to catch up to all the new fads and fetishes inherent in Social Media. The newest term I have seen is "selfie" which apparently applies to self portraits submitted by insecure individuals. When bored with same there is also "ugly selfie" which may be closer to reality. But as my wrinkles have wrinkles I could not distinguish between the two "selfies." And air brushing doesn't help. But that is only I.M.O.
tjs
Next - TBA

America's Cup

With eliminations over, the final team matches for the America's Cup will begin this week-end on San Francisco Bay with defending champion Oracle pitted against the New Zealand crew.  The boats are 70 foot catamarans capable of speeds of 40 mph and downwind can have both pontoons out of the water. With cameras strapped to masts it can make for exciting viewing on TV and also from spectator boats nearby. As a traditionalist, I am rooting for the Kiwis in this best of 17 races as Oracle has priced several teams out of the tournament with their insistence on expensive multi-hull "machines". If the trophy goes Down Under I believe the New Zealanders might return to mono-hull "boats" more in line with America's Cup tradition. A friend who attended a preliminary race gave me a souvenir stainless steel pint cup - monogrammed as the 34th competition. On the steel cup reads "Eat, drink and be WARY of plastic." I'm sure the fish in the bay don't like plastic either.
tjs
Next - Social Media Jargon

Antique Autos

This fellow owned a Model T Ford in good condition with antique license plates and he liked to drive it on the highway on weekends to keep the engine alive. One day he broke down and pulled over to the side of the road and soon a Mercedes came along and offered assistance. The old fellow asked to be towed to a gas station a few miles down the road but please don't exceed 15 m.p.h.. The hook up was made and they started out when a BMW came whizzing by and passed them doing 80 m.p.h. The fever of the autobahn seized Mercedes and oblivious to his tow, took off after the Bimmy with Ford honking his "oo-googah" horn in despair. As they passed the gas station the owner phoned his friend down the road - "Come outside quickly and you'll see the darndest thing - a BMW doing 80 followed by a Mercedes doing 80 followed by a Model T who is blowing his horn - he wants to pass!" (You golfers would recognize this as wanting to play thru.)
tjs