Answer the Bell

A boyhood friend of mine was a young priest/curate stationed in a blue-collar parish in a town near Marcus Hook, Pa. on the Delaware River. One afternoon his doorbell rang and when he answered he found a man who said "My wife's in the car and I would like to talk to a priest." Fr. Joe said "Invite your wife in and we can talk in private in my office." The man said "You don't understand, my wife's in the TRUNK of the car." Apparently he had been driving around aimlessly until he spotted the cross on the rectory and rang the bell. Fortunately, the old pastor was in the house who took over the scene and the newspapers next day quoted him and not my young priest friend. Fr. Joe had paid his dues in the confessional and had even done a stint as chaplain in the criminal ward of a local hospital, but nothing they taught him in the seminary prepared him for that day his doorbell rang. I again recalled Bogart's line from Casablanca - "Of all the gin mills in the world, she had to come into mine!"
tjs
(Excerpted from Eagle Blue Vol. 4 No. 3  April 20, 2007)

Punny or Funny - Again

Some of you know how I appreciate Puns so I dare to repeat this one:
Thieves broke into the Louvre Museum in Paris undetected, stealing several masterpieces and escaped in an unmarked vehicle. Several kilometers down the road they ran out of petrol and were apprehended. The gendarmes were surprised that having planned their escapade so well that they would have overlooked such a detail as fuel. The chief thief explained - "Monsieur, you see we did not have the MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!" And I have the DEGAULLE to repeat that story!
tjs

Post Mortem

It seemed like the recent Winter Olympics would never end.  The time difference had most of the activity on tape. I am sorry I missed the Curling events. NBC had their A team and B team there and went for the ratings.  They promoted the closing ceremonies for 8PM Eastern but a viewer tuning in was treated to a lengthy revival of the twenty year old imbroglio of Kerrigan versus Harding on ice. Was this the best they could offer with the multi-million Sunday night audience in their hands? The host suffered from "pink eye" while this viewer was just "seeing red". As closings go, I'm glad I did not miss the final episode of Downton Abbey. I think the late Andy Rooney might agree.
tjs

Winter Shortages

With the volume of snow we have seen this season, some communities have found themselves short on road salt. But in Philadelphia there has been a shortage of "sleds".  The "Flexible Flyer" - which was patented in this area in 1889 was later known as "The Cadillac of Sleds" and those of us growing up in the 1930s begged for one at Christmas.  They came in several sizes and the back runners curved up to avoid being impaled. You could sit and steer with your feet on the handle bar or "bellyflop" prone and steer with your hands. With light vehicular traffic back then we often rode our sleds in the streets that were hilly which was dangerous in the minimal daylight of winter. At a cost of $15. then. they now start at around $80. But, alas, today most are made in China.
tjs 

Optimism

Optimist Clubs are service organizations dedicated to bringing out the best in kids. In South Pacific nurse Nellie Forbush called herself a "cockeyed optimist" with appropriate lyrics. A White House economic guru spoke of "cautious optimism". And the columnist Tom Friedman on CSPAN described a meeting with an Israeli general who said he (TF) was an optimist because of his short stature he could only see the glass half full. But these incidents are rare as optimism is being squeezed by pessimism, pragmatism, realism, tarty tweets and snarky snippets of cynicism. There is hope - March 20 is the first day of Spring. I am optimistic and counting the days.
tjs

The Jersey Shore

How many of you red-blooded males know that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for 2014 had their photo shoots done at the New Jersey shore resorts of Cape May, Wildwood and Seaside Heights? Their idea was to show how the beaches had recovered from storm Sandy. I have duly purchased my Cape May beach tag each year but I rarely visit the sand and surf anymore.  In light of such promotional activities as indicated above it appears that I will have to resume my beach combing.
Cape May - that Victorian resort that hosted such as Henry Clay and 19th century presidents - will never be the same. For full disclosure, I was an original subscriber of Sports Illustrated's first edition fifty years ago long before they featured swim suits.
tjs
http://swimsuit.si.com/swimsuit/on-location/jersey-shore/videos/jersey-shore

Be Ye Clean!

"Be Ye Clean!" This was the chant yelled by Sen. Charles Tobey - circa 1953 - at a presumed gangster at the witness table during the Kefauver crime hearings. The phrase comes to mind as we learn that the Brasilian

anti - doping labs will not be up to speed for the FIFA World Cup to be held in mid-June this year. There will be thirty-two teams playing in twelve cities miles apart. This crisis means that the athletes' "samples" will be flown to labs in Switzerland - 5625 miles away - where the folks in white coats will be working 24/7 - and the teams already will be playing subsequent games. These "futball" players' numbers are dwarfed by the 12,000 Olympians who will descend on Rio De Janiero in 2016 so it is hoped that the "Cariocas" will have their act together by then. Of course, in a perfect world we would all respond to Sen. Tobey's admonishment.
tjs

The Snowy Owl

With all the snow on the ground it's no wonder that some landed on the brain. It has been a banner year for the Snowy Owl who breeds up in the Arctic. They have migrated south in large numbers having been seen in New England, Pennsylvania, Cape May N.J., Washington D.C. and even Florida. Logan airport in Boston has removed eighty owls this season and placed them in the wild. When you look at this fellow's eyes, you know he doesn't give a hoot.
tjs

The English Pub

Is the English Pub disappearing? In recent years twenty percent have closed or been converted to other use. Some blame it on the smoking ban - others on new ownership and real estate values. Some villages are trying to preserve their "local" as "an asset of community value." Noel Coward was once asked to write a song that was quintessentially English and he penned the following about his favorite pub "The Rose & Crown":
"Saturday night at the Rose & Crown is quite the place to be -
soldiers and sailors - tinkers and tailors - out on the town for a bit of a spree - if you're tired of life with your husband or wife - and the kids are getting you down - things will all come right on Saturday night - at the Rose & Crown."
tjs
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/17/business/international/saving-an-endangered-british-species-the-pub.html?hp

Then and Now

I came across an article in the NY Times that stated that only 8% of New York City cab drivers were born in the U.S.A. Talk about thinning the herd! It used to be when a visitor arrived at the airport or Penn Station, the cab driver might be a political pundit, an urban philosopher or a sports junkie. He might lament the placement of the bike lanes and curse ConEd who were practicing their mantra "Dig we must!" And rail at the current mayor for not sending the snow plows into Queens, etc. And he may have owned his medallion. Now when you arrive and catch one of the 92% you worry if he knows the way. There is hardly a greeting and he is on his cell phone speaking in a "language that the stranger does not know" - as the Irish put it. He could care less that the Giants and Dodgers left town. In the end you swipe your plastic and its all very sanitized but not as much fun. And that's the way it is.
tjs

TGIF

Today is Valentine's Day, there is a full moon and we are celebrating our second anniversary back in Philadelphia - to be welcomed by a blockbuster snow and ice storm which could break your heart, flood your lowlands and have you wondering why you left Florida. Our super has been plowing the driveway since 0430 hours - again and again - but we never lost power as some friends did. I don't recall the groundhog ever being this accurate. Nineteen days until Lent begins when I can give up SNOW cones and ICE cream. Can't wait!
tjs

Beatlemania

This week we celebrated the fiftieth year anniversary of the arrival of the Beatles to our shores. While here they did several shows with Ed Sullivan and stayed at the Plaza Hotel in New York and the Deauville in Miami. The hotels are marking their stays in various ways. The bartender at the Plaza will shake up several Beatle-themed cocktails including Strawberry Fields and Drive My Side Car. The latter was described as "This is one ride you'll gladly give up the wheel for!" For purists - one jigger brandy - 1/2 jigger Cointreau - 1/2 jigger lemon juice - shake and strain - garnish with an orange peel. Having visited the Plaza bar a few times I'm sure they will acquit themselves well. On a personal note, in 1964, while the Beatles were in New York, I was in Liverpool - atrocious timing on my part.
tjs

Baring Their Souls

On a slow news day, a TV station in Richmond, Va. did a three minute video on a nudist church in rural Virginia where even the minister is in the all together.  Those wooden pews can be hard and cold. As a pre-Vatican II altar boy, I was aghast.  Where were his vestments? Then I thought: ALB be surprised if they are all so AMICE-able - or are we being MANIPLE-ulated? I can't COPE with that! Were all the vestments STOLE-n? The narrator indicated that in the summer it is standing room only. The congregation focuses on casting off material concerns including clothes. Mea maxima culpa!
tjs

Mid-Winter Reflections

I used to like February - brighter mornings - only 28 days - we and Bill Murray could joke about the groundhog - Valentine's Day with its candlelight dinners and mushy greetings (roses are red) - two Presidents' holidays and a promise of Spring. But somewhere along the way the earth shifted - the groundhog got serious and I began to ponder that question "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood." Then they merged two Mt. Rushmore Presidents and we lost a holiday. And the only candlelight dinners were the result of power outages. Hallmark greetings dried up and humor got edgier. "Your use of Twitter can make you bitter." The red roses withered. And the Weatherman/woman with their colorful charts and dipstick in the snow became a celebrity. They resurrected phrases like "black ice" and "power outage". But as I drove with white knuckles to avoid the potholes I spied March approaching in the rear view mirror. Pretty soon we will celebrate Mardi Gras and then St. Patty's Day and can dust off the Irish CDs and polish off a few Guinnesses and the Chicago River will run green again!
tjs

Monkey Business

The recent mention of chimpanzees recalled the story out of England in 2003 when researchers at Plymouth University left a computer in the monkey enclosure at the local zoo presumably to see if six crested macaques could reproduce the complete works of Shakespeare. Then they waited - but the monkeys failed to produce a single word - only five pages of text primarily filled with the letter S - also a few As and Ms were struck. Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard. So they had a lot of S - and a lot of pee and a few As and Ms - and that spells SPAM. Thank goodness the send key jammed. Someone should have told them that key in the upper right reads "delete" - not "excrete". So it appears that Shakespeare is safe for a while.
tjs

More Sochi

I forgot to mention that the Russian government has hired exterminators to round up all the stray dogs populating the Olympic venue. But the party line is that they "are being relocated." In years gone by "being relocated" meant a move to the Gulag. But animal rights groups have swooped in to the rescue and have created shelters for the poor canines. They are hoping that visitors to the Games will adopt and take home one of these furry creatures.
tjs

Sochi Surprises

The Winter Olympics begins today and after seven years of preparation they are almost ready. But there are still a few glitches and most of the inconvenience is being borne by the media folks who are the advance guard. One fellow was awakened at 3AM by a stranger in his room who was issued a duplicate key by the hotel desk. Rather startling after a long trip. A woman was awakened three times by fire alarms in her hotel. Another woman had no running water and the desk person said it would be corrected in 45 minutes but not to put the water on her face as it contained a chemical. And it left a ring around the bathtub. She washed her face with bottled water. But the real eyebrow raiser occurred in the athletes housing area where they constructed dual toilets side by side in a oversized stall. This is taking team bonding to a new level. Let's hope the Olympic Torch doesn't go out before the opening ceremonies.
tjs

Natural Habitat

Another prominent drug manufacturer has announced the discontinuing of research using chimpanzees and the National Wildlife folks have indicated that this will mean returning 1000 chimpanzees to natural habitats or wildlife preserves in the coming years. You might say we will be up to our knees in chimpanzees!
tjs

Super Bling

Before we stow away those Roman numerals for another year, I wanted to comment on the bling-bling:
Terry Bradshaw has four Super Bowl rings - Mike Ditka has three - Coach Ditka when interviewed last week said he has to make a decision each morning which one to wear. This is akin to Jay Leno having to decide whether to drive the Lamborghini or the Bugati - tough decisions.
I once worked with a burly fellow who had two Super Bowl rings - wore one on each hand to keep him on an even keel. Now fifty plus individuals in Seattle each have a ring. They are getting so plentiful that you can buy them on Ebay or Google. Now it's off to the Winter Olympics - I want to watch the Curling - it's a contest played with brooms.........
tjs

Super Letdown

Having left the toboggan slide in Times Square and crossed the river - (via tunnel - avoid the BRIDGE) only to find a landslide awaiting. When the first play from scrimmage results in a safety, that is not a good omen. The highlight for me was Joe Namath's fur coat and when he screwed up the coin toss it set the tone for what followed. As we had a house guest we opted for conversation and muted all the clever commercials so will await Madison Avenue's post mortem to tell me what I missed. But the league hates a blowout because the sponsors hate a blowout after paying a few million for thirty seconds in the fourth quarter when their TV audience has drifted into the poolroom. Nothing like a sponsor scorned.
Now it's on to Sochi!
tjs