Fore!

My friend John was having a slow day at the office so he decided to slip away for a round of golf. As it was mid-week and he was alone he figured the club pro would pair him with someone of similar handicap. When he arrived the only player waiting was an elderly gent and the starter said "You are it." - so they teed off and for the first three holes they played in silence and the senior was holding his own. On the fourth hole my friend's drive landed in the fringe of the fairway with a tall tree blocking his view of the green. As he was pondering his options, for the first time the old fellow spoke up. He said, "Johnny, when I was your age I could clear that tree with a seven iron." John stared at him as he reached for his seven. His shot caught the top of the tree and landed in the rough. Incensed, he turned on his partner and challenged his advice. The old boy said, "But when I was your age that tree was only six feet tall."
tjs
Next - Big Game Hunter (Mon.)

Stepping Down

After thirty plus years, Brian Lamb, the founder of CSPAN , is stepping down - or being kicked upstairs - and leaving his executive duties to two trusted colleagues - this to be effective April 1st. He started CSPAN with a modest grant to post cameras in the House of Representatives, eventually getting permission to have cameras roam to witnesses and panel members. Junior congress-persons usually sat at the end of the table - and hoped to be called on for questioning. Some had nothing to say but usually could be relied on to congratulate the Chair-person of their party for holding this hearing. Then they relied on staffers to supply them with pertinent questions. In other words they had nothing to say but they said it and looked good on camera for the folks back home. We now have CSPAN2 and CSPAN3 to cover the Senate and Q&A sessions. Someday, perhaps, we will see cameras at the Supreme Court hearings, but don't hold your breath. Brian Lamb is one of the premier interviewers because HE LISTENS - and asks some of the questions the viewing audience might ask. Let's hope his colleagues continue in his path.
tjs
Next - Fore!

The Opera

My first exposure to Opera was not on Saturday afternoon listening to the Metropolitan Opera on radio which was sponsored for years by Texaco. Rather it was listening to Fred Allen on Sunday evening doing parodies on Carmen and The Barber of Seville. He changed the lyrics but the music was authentic. Then there was further exposure to classical music when the Lone Ranger galloped away each evening to the strains of Rossini's "William Tell Overture." Radio was a very personal medium before the advent of television and was used to great advantage by such as F.D.R. whose patrician tone and phrasing captivated many during the long days of WWII. Today we have "talk radio" and the talking runs the gamut. The most notable currently would be Rush Limbaugh whose voice was made for radio - although I do not listen to him - nor espouse his views.
tjs
Next - Stepping Down

Mad Men

The return of this popular period TV show reminded me of a story I heard on Madison Avenue some years ago. This particular ad agency handled a prominent Japanese automobile manufacturer. They called a hurried staff meeting one Friday afternoon - it seemed the client was coming out with a new model and they wanted suggestions on a new name - but they wanted the response by the following Monday morning. Then a creative type frantically yelled out "dat soon?" But I'm partial to Honda myself.
tjs
Next - The Opera

Mohandas K. Gandhi

With the penitential season of Lent winding down and not wishing to inflict sackcloth and ashes on anyone, I came across the following: Titled "Gandhi's Path to Paradise" it recites the seven deadly sins, according to Gandhi.
1 - Wealth without work.
2- Pleasure without conscience.
3-Knowledge without character.
4 - Business without morality.
5- Science without humanity.
6 - Worship without sacrifice
7 - Politics without principle.

Boy, number seven hits home today.
Mea culpa.
tjs
Next- Mad men

Arrivederci Roma

My friend Sam stopped in to his favorite barber shop for his monthly trim and exclaimed that he was planning a trip to Rome. The following exchange ensued:
B- (barber) - Where are you staying?
S - (Sam) We are booked in the Excelsior Hotel.
B - That place is over-priced and over-rated - you won't like it. What about dining arrangements?
S - We have a reservation at Alfredo's.
B - That's a tourist trap - and very crowded - you won't like it. What else are you doing?
S - We have an audience with the Pope scheduled.
B - You'll be behind the ropes - you won't get near him.
One month later Sam returned for his monthly cutting. The following ensued:
B - How was your trip?
S - Great - The Excelsior couldn't have been nicer - polite staff , warm towels, and Champagne in the room. And Alfredo himself tossed the fettucini at our table. And we had a private audience with His Holiness.
B - Wow! I'm impressed! What did the Pope say to you?
S - He asked "Where did you get that lousy haircut?"
tjs
Next - Mohandas K. Gandhi (Mon.)

I'm Confused

A reader recently wrote to the N.Y. Times asking to explain the difference between the Players Club, the Lambs Club and the Friars Club - all groups of theatrical persons from the entertainment business. George S. Kaufman, that acerbic wit from the Algonquin Round Table is alleged to have explained the difference thusly: "The Players are gentlemen trying to be actors, the Lambs are actors trying to be gentlemen, and the Friars are neither trying to be both."
tjs
Next -Arrivederci, Roma

Airline Seating

While I do not do much traveling anymore, this last year has been more active than normal a/c moving our residence. But no matter when I seek a boarding pass I always end up in Zone Four. So I began to observe the boarding agent's preferential call, which went as follows:
1- All first class passengers may board now.
2 - All passengers with children may now board.
3 - Any passengers with special needs may now board.
4 - Now our elite passengers.
5 - And we can now board our premium and platinum passengers
6 - Next, all frequent fliers may now board.
7 - O.K. you in Zone Four - good luck with an overhead bin.

As we used to say in New York, "What am I, chopped liver? Apparently so!

Some carriers have inaugurated a  NEW service so-called Premium Economy which for a fee they will give you a seat with an extra four to six inches of leg room - this to avoid leg cramps.
Cunard Line used to say "Getting there is half the fun.!" - but that was on the water - not in the air. 
tjs
PS - Yesterday was the first day of spring - it was also election day in Illinois - a friend of mine who lived in DuPage County Illinois told me he wanted to die in Cook County, Illinois so he could remain active in politics.
Next - I'm Confused.

The Fruit Fly

Last Friday the N.Y. Times did a lengthy article on research being done on the fruit fly. They are studying its habits and appetites - and one assertion is that when a male fruit fly is rejected by a virgin female, he takes to alcohol - similar to what a rejected human might do.  The research is promoted in that it can lead to further study on addiction in humans. However, some of the comments on the article are more amusing than the copy. One such commentator quoted Groucho Marx saying "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana." Good old quotable Groucho! So the next time you see a fruit fly land on the rim of your wine glass, before you swat him - or drown him - remember he might be a rejected suitor seeking solace in your Chardonnay.
tjs
Next - Airline Seating

The Summer Olympics

London won the bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics beginning on July 27th. One of the principal sponsors is UPS - "Mr. Brown" himself - who are designated to handle the logistics of this seventeen day roster of events. I was reminded of it reading an interview with a member of the equestrian team and the challenge of moving the horses, riders and gear to an overseas destination and dealing with the various visa and health requirements. Presumably, UPS will be using their air fleet for such purposes.

In 1948 London was also the site which was before jet travel. The USA team went over on the U.S.Lines liner S.S. AMERICA with the athletes in their white trousers and skirts and blue blazers. Our rowing team was led by young Jack Kelly (brother of Grace) a champion oarsman from Philadelphia. All the rowing shells and sculls were stowed on the deck of the vessel. Young "Kel" acquitted himself well in his event and his award was a sort of vindication for his father, John B. Kelly Sr who was a champion oarsman in his own right a generation before. But Kelly Sr. was snubbed by the Royal Henley regatta committee in 1920 and denied participation because as an apprentice brick layer he performed "manual labour" and the rules then disqualified him.  Kelly Sr. then entered the 1920 Olympics winning the Gold Medal in the single and double sculls and in doing so defeated the winner of the Royal Henley Regatta.
tjs
Next - The Fruit Fly

Easter duty

Since this is St. Patrick's weekend perhaps a bit of Irish humor for Friday:
Patty lived on an island off Cape Cod and once a year he took the ferry to the mainland to make his Easter duty. Then ferry service was suspended and he did not get over and when his priest friend caught up to him he reminded Patty that he had not seen him at the sacraments. Patty demurred falling back on the ferry suspension. Father Jim reminded him that there was still air service to the mainland. Said Patty in reply "Well, Father, I'll tell you - to fly over - for venial sins it's too expensive and for mortal sins it's too dangerous."
tjs
Next - The Summer Olympics (Mon.)

The Ides of March

"Beware the Ides of March" wrote William Shakespeare in his play "Julius Caesar". It was the day Caesar should have called in sick and not gone to the senate (it has been written that he was actually killed at the theatre). When the end came he had no friends. Fast forward to September 2008 - when the end came for Lehman Bros. they had no friends either. But on this date - March 15 - the Google scorekeeper tells me I have reached posting number 350 - beyond my original mildest expectations - but hardly comparable to Shakespeare's prolific writings. And remember, we all need friends.
tjs
Next - Easter Duty

Opposites

Last week, while Newt Gingrich was discussing a colony on the moon, James Cameron of Titanic fame was describing his newly designed submarine that will take him seven miles down into the deepest trenches of the South Pacific for scientific purposes. Two visionaries going in opposite directions while here on terra firma humans are killing each other. Makes one pause and wonder.
tjs
Next - The Ides of March

A Rollercoaster Day

All of you have had these kinds of days. It started on arising there was a light rain falling. The screen revealed the European markets were down boding ill for us later in the day. Then I burnt the toast and the smoke from the toaster set off the smoke detector with a screeching sound heard by all the neighborhood dogs. Then sure enough the stock market opened down. "Breaking News" told us of a fatal shooting at our son's former school. Followed was a lengthy phone conversation with a hospitalized friend. Since we are a new arrival in town there were the expected wrong number phone calls and a few robo calls from political parties which usually arrive when you have something on the stove. The mailman arrived and the bills outnumbered the checks five to one. Then after lunch the rain stopped, the sun came out, the birds began to announce the early spring and the Dow Jones rallied - and the roller coaster came to a halt. All this in an eight hour period and I never left the house. Yes, life is moving faster than before - texting and twittering its way down the road. There was once a show on Broadway "Stop the world, I want to get off." But it's too late - the train has left the station - Elvis has left the building. The turntable is spinning at 78 rpms but nobody plays 78s anymore. Maybe tomorrow will be better - and brighter.
tjs
Next - Opposites

Ambivalence

Did you ever wonder whether the glass was half full or half empty - and you couldn't decide? Some years ago in Philadelphia there was a very prominent attorney named Joseph S. Lord whose reputation soon landed him a nomination to the Federal bench. To celebrate this honor he invited a handful of colleagues to dinner at one of those watering holes on Locust Street frequented by members of his profession. It was a long and liquid evening and when finally exiting the establishment they were standing on the sidewalk waiting for a taxicab when the host turned to his friends and said "I feel an acute sense of ambivalence. I don't know whether I am sober as a judge or drunk as a Lord!"
tjs
Next - A Rollercoaster Day

The Limerick

A quintessentially English literary device, the humble limerick falls somewhere between a bumper sticker and a sonnet. In its root it was predominantly a masculine artifact, some vulgar or rude, but funny. With apologies to Lent herewith a few first printed in the L.A. Times by  Ernest LeFever:

St. Augustine thought he had found, the sin by which mankind was bound;
"It was not" so said he, "The fruit on the tree, but the lust of the pair on the ground."

Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id. Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity - of total depravity - but you'll know why you did what you did."

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr penned the following:
God's plan made a hopeful beginning, but man spoiled his chances by sinning,
We trust that the story - will end in God's glory - but at present the other side's winning.

Hopefully, the penitential season of Lent will atone for some of the above. Mea culpa.
 tjs
Next - Ambivalence(Mon.)

On the Campaign Trail

Last week a New York Times reporter outlined his experiences over two months in following the political circus from Iowa thru Michigan with stops in between. To allay the boredom he decided to sample martinis along the way, purely for comparison. The gin he tasted included Boodles, Plymouth, Beefeaters, Bombay and Hendricks. It soon became a contest of shake versus stir - James Bond preferred it shaken. Winston Churchill, it is said preferred scotch in the morning, brandy in bed but some say his signature beverage was gin, icy cold, and no vermouth. During  WWII vermouth became scarce so in its absence WC would bow toward France. In Des Moines the martini arrived with a lemon twist AND an olive and in New Hampshire it was served in a wine glass. But the winner of the dry martini contest was a barista in St. Pete Beach Fla. She poured a little bit of vermouth in an empty chilled glass and then shook it out leaving just the traces. Purists would love it. But as this indecisive campaign chugs along such a hobby could become an occupational hazard requiring a rehab session. In the meanwhile, CA - NY - PA  here I come. Bottoms up!
tjs
Next - Limericks

Downsizing

Every twenty years or so we probably need to downsize. Our most recent move from three bedrooms plus a two car garage plus attic into two bedrooms with no garage necessitated considerable downsizing with several trips to Goodwill Industries. It is amazing what you can accumulate over the years that is not essential when crunch time comes. A friend of mine told me that his ambition at life's end was to have all his possessions in two footlockers. Alas, I would need the equivalent of two footlockers just to hold my wine rack. So I would fail miserably in attempting to match him when the end comes. But they just may need a wine steward behind those pearly gates. Anyway, it appears to be an early spring so let's all smell the flowers. The Philadelphia Flower Show just opened with a theme of "Hawaii". Aloha!
tjs
Next - On the Campaign Trail

Super Tuesday

The waitress at my favorite restaurant when reciting the menu always offered me "super salad". I had to ask for a translation. Now we have Super Tuesday a few months after the Super Bowl so our world is being bombarded with superlatives. We just moved into an apartment and the first person I met was the "super". Personally, I hope the GOP goes all the way to the convention. Tampa in late August can get pretty hot and picture those thousands of media folks in a big "tent". Years ago Mama did the wash on Monday and the ironing on Tuesday which I'm sure she didn't think was a "super" idea. I can handle casual Friday, chore-ful Saturday and prayer-ful Sunday but somehow Tuesday doesn't hack it as being "super" (small s).
tjs
Next - Downsizing

The Demise of sartorial splendor

In January 1953 Harry S. Truman and Dwight D. Eisenhower rode together in stony silence to Ike's inaugural as they were not on friendly terms. Truman was wearing a top hat and Ike was sporting a homburg. A brief eight years later John F. Kennedy put a dagger in the hat business by going hatless. It was a good thing that Truman was a haberdasher BEFORE he got into politics, for had he reversed his careers he would have lost his "shirt".
Now fifty years later comes President Ahmadinejad of Iran to the United Nations meeting in an open neck shirt sans necktie. The trend has caught on in all walks of life so that now the cravat is a thing of the past. We survived the faddish Nehru jacket and the Caribbean Guayabera  is seasonal and comfortable. But here I sit with a half dozen hats - felt and straw - on the shelf and a rack full of neckties from Christmases past. And all because a couple of Presidents defied protocol and precedent. My grandmother's home in the Kensington section of Philadelphia was several blocks from the principal factory of John B. Stetson of hat fame - a whole factory dedicated to manufacturing hats. And you ask where have all the jobs gone?
tjs
Next - Super Tuesday

Funny or Punny VI

Being that it's Friday - another slight attempt at borrowed humor:

Cartoonist found dead in home - details are sketchy.

No matter how much you push the envelope,  it'll still be stationery.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
tjs
Next - The demise of Sartorial Splendor.

The March of Time

They used to say "If March comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb."  But this March first has the lambs bleating. Does this mean that on March 31st we might have rough weather, notwithstanding what the groundhog indicated? In the northeast we are having a balmy spring. The birds are confused and the New York Botanical Society reports that shrubs are beginning to bloom in February. Do I believe in climate change? You bet I do. And it has snowed in Rome and all the scooters are unable to navigate the streets. The locals here tell me that we should expect more mosquitoes this summer in light of an absence of frosts this winter. I'm looking for that first robin.
tjs
Next - Funny or punny VI