DEE DAY

The Googler has just reminded me that today I am "posting" number 500 - which in Super Bowl Speak would rate a "D" - although I was hoping for at least a B Plus.  At this milestone I will now place "BLOG" in idle status over the holidays and attempt to resume after the New Year. I hope I have provided a few smiles or chuckles or perhaps an occasional blast from the past along the way to make your day brighter. And I appreciate your loyal readership - all writers appreciate feedback. Here's wishing you and yours a Happy Christmas and let's remember all our friends and neighbors who are still suffering along the Jersey Coast. See you in January. And a Happy New Year!
tjs
Next - 2013

Spell Check

A few years ago, before I had a SPAM filter in place, I began receiving a spate of  Emails  - believed from Canada - promoting penile enhancement. They promised no weights or other indignities in their program. Their tease referred to "size" and preyed on ones self esteem, manhood and peer pressure. Then one day a message arrived  referring to PENAL enhancement! These S.O.B.s were PENALIZING me for perceived anatomical shortcomings. If they couldn't spell it they shouldn't sell it! Soon  I had my SPAM filter in place and no more intrusions from north of the border. And at age 83 who needs them when both Cialis and Viagra are vying for the business.
tjs
Next - DEE DAY

Silent Night

"Silent Night" the Christmas carol was first performed in 1818 in a church in Austria. The melody was written by a local village organist to guitar accompaniment. Legend has it that the organ was broken and song was performed only with guitar. Which brings me to the current - Charlie Byrd's CD of eighteen Christmas songs on solo guitar with no accompaniment - just pure Byrd recorded in 1980.
I met the man around that time on a rustic beach in Dewey Beach, Delaware where he was sitting on a cottage porch strumming away wearing a three day beard. His handshake was very soft similar to a surgeon's. Around that time he and his wife were active playing around Annapolis, Maryland and the Washington D.C. area. A nice rendition.
tjs
Next - Spell Check

Sequestration

Sequestration is a fancy name for austerity thrust upon the tax payers known as the "fiscal cliff". This is not going off the cliff the way Thelma & Louise did in their blue convertible. This cliff would mean cutbacks across the board - and lots of government jobs lost. Department of Homeland Security alone could begin eliminating about 24,500 jobs - 11% of work force. The Transportation Security Administration who screen us at the airport could have to cut 7,240 security officers lengthening screening lines. The acronym for T.S.A. is "Thousands Standing Around" so maybe such possible cuts might not slow down the lines after all.  On a personal note I have switched from shoelaces to velcro.
tjs (Above data from NYT 12/11/12 by Ron Nixon)
Next -Silent Night

Punny or Funny IX

A dentist and a manicurist married - they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a ...dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist....you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name....and a dress.

You are stuck with your debt if...you can't budge it.

Local area network in Australia...The LAN down under.

tjs
Next - Sequestration (Mon.)

Potpourri X

Lunacy! - Datelined Washington D.C. via Associated Press - "The word "lunatic" will be stricken from Federal law under legislation that passed the House on December 5th. - The latest effort to remove language that is considered either outdated or demeaning." So Congress really was working last week. (There was one "no" vote.)

I just read where bedbugs are appearing in library books. Apparently some people still read in bed and then return books to the library for further "circulation".........That should keep me out of the reading room for quite a while.

A study out of Turkey indicates that poor oral hygiene can lead to Erectile Dysfunction. This should increase the sale of toothpaste and dental floss.

Bill Gates had a conversation with Steve Jobs in heaven. Gates asked "How are things up there?"
Jobs replied - "It's great  - there are no gates nor windows!"
tjs
Next - TBA

Hallowed Evening

I lost another friend this year. Eddie C. was 81,  lived in central New Jersey and died on October 31st at the height of the SANDY perfect storm.  All power was out but those great folks at Hospice had him well supplied with medication, etc.  - and he was at home.  Then the gasoline shortage prevented many from getting to his wake.  The aftermath prevented the funeral director from obtaining a burial permit so with further delay threatening, the family had him cremated - not how Eddie planned his exit. In the realm of trick or treat it seemed my friend was treated to a mean trick of fate. I can only imagine how many families in NJ/NY may have confronted a similar situation with an untimely death in the family. R.I.P.
tjs
PS - For Seniors - Further downer is the SSA rule that stipulates benefits are not payable for the month of death. By dying on the last day of October that means  the check received in November  must be returned. Bummer!
PPS - Today 12-12-12 - this type combination of numbers will NEVER occur again.
Next - TBA

Happy Hanukkah

For the very first time my wife prepared a Hanukkah meal - Hanukkah being the Jewish feast of Lights. There were potato pancakes (latkes) covered with sour cream and topped with smoked salmon, Very tasty. It's  funny that Tiffany, Saks, Lord & Taylor and Macy all spell the feast with an H - while Bloomingdale & Brooks Bros. spell it with a CH. 
A little Jewish lady went into the deli to buy some lox. The merchant was ready with his razor thin knife and began to slice. After two slices he asked "How much do you want?" Cut -cut she replied. After four slices he asked again. Again she said "Cut - cut" - when he reached slice six she said "I'll take that one!" Ouch.
tjs
Next - Hallowed Evening

Following Mr. Brown

In December 8th edition of the NY Times Emma G. Fitzsimmons writes of the current wave of porch thefts. No, they are not stealing porches but the thieves follow the UPS and Fedex trucks and steal packages left on the porch where nobody is at home. My yearly birthday delivery of wine usually arrives via either of these routings. The delivery man is instructed to "get a signature" and an added caveat is in the form of a label reading "Do NOT deliver to an intoxicated person!" Now, I was not aware that Mr. Brown came equipped with a breathalyzer. Nevertheless, I always tried to be dry and suck a few mints and to date have not been rejected. So be forewarned.
tjs
Next - Happy Hanukkah

Punny or Funny VIII

Sensing that you readers are tired of gnashing your teeth every Friday, I am submitting a different set of puns to PUNish you for tuning in (received from a friend who is taxing our friendship):

-To write with a broken pencil is.... pointless.

-When fish are in schools they sometimes ....take debate.

-A thief who stole a calendar....got twelve months.

-When the smog lifts in Los Angeles...UCLA.

-The Professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes...was on shaky ground.

-The batteries were given out ...free of charge.
 tjs
Next - TBA (Mon)

Mayan Calendar

We have it on good authority that the World will NOT end on December 21, 2012 when a 5,125 year cycle in the Mayan calendar comes to an end.  That date does represent the Winter Solstice when Pagans frolic and celebrate the sun finally starting back north. (or we going south). But many folks in rural Russia did not get the memo. (Russia has nine time zones) There has been some panic buying of candles and matches to provide light when the world goes dark. Last week. Russia's government decided to put an end to the doomsday talk. A Patriarch in the Ukraine church assured the faithful that "doomsday is sure to come - but not at the end of the Mayan calendar." Meanwhile, in Mexico, the Mayan population are planning a cultural festival on December 21st to show that all will be well after that. (For more see Ellen Barry's article NYTimes Sunday Dec. 2, 2012)
tjs
Next -TBA

Pontiff Tweets

It's official. The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI has embraced social media and would begin posting messages on Twitter next week under "handle" @pontifex which is a Latin term for bridge builder. (see NYTimes 12/4/12) A Vatican adviser "advised" "Just don't expect the Pope to start following you on Twitter or retweeting your posts. He won't follow anyone - he will be followed." Asked whether the Pope's posts would be infallible, a Vatican representative laughed and said they should be considered "pearls of wisdom." His first tweet will be on that magic date 12-12-12 which is the date of his next general audience and has no mystical significance.
tjs
Next - Mayan Calendar

Driver Education

About sixty years ago I applied for my first learner's permit/driver's license in Pennsylvania. The tests were administered by the State Police who were hard as nails. Moreover, I had to do my "learning" on a "stick shift" i.e. manual transmission auto - and I stalled a lot - and I flunked the first time around. The operator's manual dictated that you should place your hands on the steering wheel in the ten o'clock/four o'clock positions to facilitate turning. But today's generation never learned to tell time when the big hand was on ten and the little hand was on four. In this digital age I wonder what the driver's ed people tell the applicants who never heard of a ten o'clock position. Probably, their admonitions would now include: no cellphone use or texting while driving, keep the coffee cup in its receptacle, etc. And before we had automatic turn signals we used our hands to signal a turn - but no fingers, please. Now we have GPS to tell us when and where to turn and soon with robots driving for us we can have both hands - or thumbs - free to turn the kindle pages.
tjs
Next - TBA

Culture Differences

The foreign exchanges outlined in "Musical Chairs" brought to mind the following: Some years ago in New York City it appeared that every executive wanted a British secretary. Their diction was impeccable and it became a status symbol to have such a voice answer the phone. One day a caller asked to speak to Mr. Executive and was told in a trained voice "I'm sorry he is not in - he has gone to the United Kingdom." There was a pause on the caller end who said "I'm sorry - is it too late to send flowers?" Then there was that madcap fellow in the New York office who when there was a lull in the action would dial up (yes, the phones had dials) Air France to hear that lovely voice saying "Aire Franze,, Suzie speaking". He fell in love every day but ended up marrying an Irish lass.  During the 1950s we shipped considerable grain to Germany under an early A.I.D. arrangement. The volume was such that we hired a German - Heinrich von ___ - who had connections in Washington,, D.C. to make the way smooth. One day my friend Jack came back to the office after a three martini lunch and passed the new hire in the hallway. I was told that my friend stopped, clicked his heels and gave a  "sig heil" salute to our grain ennabler. This was definitely bad form and poor Jack was on the next train to Baltimore in exile. It was early in the post WWII period and wounds were still raw. But any salesman worth his salt knows NOT to return to the office after three martinis. (And this was well before the MAD MEN era.)
tjs
Next - Driver Education