Bullet Train

The High Speed Rail project between San Francisco and Los Angeles is now underway but the cost is rising. Before there was air shuttle service, the train was the preferred means of making this 800 mile trip. Leaving the Bay Area at midnight with a sleeper berth you could arrive L.A. refreshed in the morning. One night a Navy four striper raced to catch the midnight train just before it pulled out. With the conductor leading the way they entered a stateroom only to find it occupied by two women of a certain age. The train was full and the conductor was perspiring profusely when one of the ladies spoke up - "We're all mature adults - I'm sure we can work something out." Then the Captain said "Madam, I'm an officer of the United States Navy and a gentleman. The arrangement you propose is totally unacceptable - one of you  must leave."
tjs

Love on the Lake

There is an age old question "How do porcupines make love?" The answer "Very carefully!" There is also an old saw that asks "What is the worst way to make love?" That answer is "Standing up in a canoe". But now we hear from the former executive director of the Canadian Canoe Museum who advocates a horizontal position. He seems to be an expert as his first date with his wife was a seven week canoe trip in Northern Canada. He offers a few words of caution:
-Sound carries particularly well across still water.
-Keep some body parts visible above the gunwhale as an empty canoe raises alarm.
-Black flies and mosquitoes are most active around twilight.
Another author described "A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe". Finally, three words to remember "center of gravity" - there you have it, Eh?
tjs
(NYT Magazine 7/29/18)

Quick Study

                                                                                              

In recent weeks it was pretty evident that Donald Trump was beating up on our allies,

NATO and the European Union. So it was with some surprise that we witnessed the Rose Garden scene this week along side the European Union commissioner announcing agreement on certain Trade items. How did it happen? Apparently, the E.U. arrived with color coded flip charts with minimum words - just the combination POTUS likes. Voila! We had some agreement. So when you next appear with your proposal, bring with you a box of crayons (Crayola are best) - but stay within the lines. And keep the verbiage down.
Good luck!
tjs

Star Struck

With the stock market doing so well it is a pity to end the week on a sour note. In 2007 Donald Trump was awarded a "star" in the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his Celebrity Apprentice Show. This week a vandal visited the scene at 3:30AM  and removed a pick-ax from a guitar case and attacked the star made of pink terrazzo. This was the second such abuse of this "landmark". The perpetrator then turned himself in - perhaps asking for his pick-ax to be returned or filing a complaint about a stolen guitar. Earlier instances of marring this"jewel" consisted of smearing ketchup, painting it purple and affixing a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker. These blue Californians have a strange sense of humor.
tjs

China Spread

Chinese interests are buying up high end real estate globally, the latest listed as a 48 story building in London's East End. It's called the Leadenhall Building at 122 Leadenhall St. London EC3 and nicknamed Cheesegrate due to its wedged shape and opened in 2014. It must certainly cast its shadow on its neighbors on the street. This caught my eye as USLines had a working "back office" at number 38 Leadenhall St. in the days pre and post WWII. Earlier it was the office of the White Star Line at the time of the TITANIC sinking in 1912. An old timer reported - circa 1929 - that widows of her crew dressed in black would still come around seeking redress. Now years later the neighborhood is shadowed by a skyscraper called a"cheesegrater".
tjs

Fickle Fashion

During the recent World Cup games, England's team manager sported a vest (some Brits call it a waistcoat). As the team kept winning he kept showing off his attire while pacing the sidelines. When they didn't win it all, I guess he finally sent it to the cleaners. But now I read that the rage in Manhattan and Palo Alto is the grey fleece vest, zippered up the front, and sported by execs and interns. Fleece comes from either the ewe or the llama and the breeders must be working overtime to shear them to meet the demand. This uniform arrives several centuries late as Brooks Bros. adopted the Golden Fleece lamb as their logo mid-nineteenth century. When I moved to New York in mid-1970s I tried to reintroduce the straw boater but it didn't catch on. Timing is everything. Anyway, the mantra I hear is "If you are well vested, you won't get fleeced." Good advice but check your 401k.
tjs

Remember me?

Sean Spicer, that star of S.N.L. and the White House podium, is seeking a second career and has written a book titled "The Briefing" but not saying how brief. He is holding a book party tomorrow in Washington - admission is $250. - buy four tickets gets you into the VIP reception. His former employer has endorsed it saying "Really good, go get it!" Two days later he is having a glitzier, invitation only - party in the lobby of the Trump Hotel. The Trump family is charging $10,000. for use of the space. Ching, ching! Mr. Spicer characterizes Mr. Trump as "a unicorn riding a unicorn over a rainbow"! (Apparently searching for that pot of gold) Can't improve on that!
So get in line for your autographed copy.
tjs

Unwelcome Visitor

BROKEN NEWS: In the footsteps of Jefferson Smith we now have a sequel "Mr. Putin goes to Washington." We have to ask the usual questions.
Why? In the sports world it's called "home and home" and POTUS wants a do-over on his turf to offset the recent Finnish Fiasco.
When? He wants the visit before the mid-terms in early November so how about Halloween? Just picture Putin at the White House door threatening "trick or treat!" - Wait a minute!! We have already been tricked!!
Dietary considerations - Bring down the chef from The Russian Tea Room in Manhattan - the blinis and borscht are great and 100 proof Stoli is a must.
Leisure guide - The visitor may wish to ride horseback (shirtless) thru Anacostia Park so better alert the joggers. After which a dip in the Potomac
as a refresher and maybe a tour of a wax museum.
Do NOT suggest a visit to Ford's Theater.  This timetable gives us ample time to launder the sheets in the Lincoln Bedroom - and prepare our protest signs.
tjs

Paul Appealing

Early in my career I met the Port Chaplain of Philadelphia, Fr. Tom Wassel, who in addition to ministering to ships' personnel also said Sunday mass in a small chapel on the pier. One Sunday morning I visited the pier to "touch and feel" my cargo and as I ducked into the chapel Fr. Tom collared me to do the readings. The Epistle that Sunday morning was St. Paul to the Romans where he exhorted his listeners to refrain from adultery and fornication among other things. So here was this callow youth at the lectern mouthing Paul's words to a group of longshoremen who possibly were out the night before doing just what Paul was railing against. All part of my apprenticeship.
tjs
(Excerpted from Eagleblue No. 30 - May 5, 2006

Piling On

The flight home from Helsinki was long and against the wind - the wind of negative reviews even from friendly networks. Yesterday POTUS was persuaded to face the cameras for some damage control. The planet tilted as I heard him say "I mis-spoke!" he said he used the word "would" when he meant "wouldn't" - and this grammarian with the fifth grade vocabulary actually said "it was sort of a double negative"!!
Next can we expect him to conjugate a Latin verb?
After all he did go to the Wharton School and his uncle taught at M.I.T. But I keep thinking of that old comedian who once said "the words got caught in my eye teeth and I couldn't see what I was saying." Perhaps Betsy DeVos can send him a tutor.
tjs

Trump vs Putin

The title sounds like a sporting event, but I had a sinking feeling in Helsinki yesterday as I tuned in. A "Thrilla in Manila" it wasn't. Expecting a press conference but a wrestling match broke out. A poor member of the press was manhandled and had his credentials questioned. Didn't know it was a contact sport. POTUS didn't handle the Q & A too well - he kept invoking Hillary's "server". As his rambling continued he reminded me of Captain Queeg on the witness stand and I expected the steel balls to appear. But Putin lightened the moment by tossing Trump a soccer ball, saying "The ball's in your court". And on the heels of Wimbledon, if this had been a tennis game it was all Putin - game - set and match! And all Trump's "fault". Friends, don't forget to vote in November.
tjs

Heroics

One of my tasks as an intern to a steamship agent was to escort sea captains to the Customs House to enter and clear their vessels so the government could know who was in port. Never mind that the master was up all night on the bridge coming up the Delaware Bay/River and might not be in top form. This day circa 1952 as we arrived for our presentation, we found all the Customs clerks surrounding another pair causing us to cool our heels. It developed that the captain preceding us was Capt. Kurt Carlsen of the ill fated vessel SS FLYING ENTERPRISE which sank in a storm in January 1952 forty-one miles from a safe English port. He managed to get his crew and passengers off with only one fatality and stayed with the foundering vessel until it slipped into the sea to avoid being salvaged. He was acclaimed a hero and was given a parade in New York City and in his New Jersey town. Now most of our USL Masters had been thru WWII - some sunk by German raiders - several interned by the Japanese.
These impressive men were never given parades but they are my heroes.
tjs

Sweet Tooth

                                                                                                 

The NY Times recently revealed that the Mayor of New York keeps Hershey chocolates in his reception room.  This is akin to Reagan with his jars of jelly beans. The revelation recalled my sales visit to Hershey some years ago. Driving in you could smell the town from miles away. It was summer and I was wearing my straw boater which I deposited on the receptionist's credenza next to her jar of Hershey kisses. After concluding my business upstairs, I prepared to leave, put on my straw hat only to have Kisses wrappers cascade down over my head. Only the receptionist was witness to this embarrassment. Milton Hershey did wonderful things providing schooling for fatherless boys and housing for his workers. Wilbur had their "buds" but Hershey had the "kisses".
tjs

Summit IV

POTUS arrived in Brussels yesterday with his wife in tow to act as a buffer. His efforts to destroy NATO will be frustrated by Macron & May who will be absorbed by their teams in the World Cup Final to be played in Moscow Sunday. Then it's on to the U.K. where fear for his security will keep him away from Downing Street or Buckingham Palace and he will not see his likeness in that inflated balloon over Parliament. The Queen will receive him at Windsor Castle but he may have to swim the moat. At last, on Monday,  - after the World Cup Final, he is to meet Putin in Finland. I'm sure he will bring a gift - similar to the Elton John CD he gave Kim. Do you think his gift might be Alaska?
Then it's off to Scotland to view his property and some R&R - one hopes the gorse is not too deep along the fairways. But you know those wind farms offshore will blow his mind. That's it - I'm tired.
tjs

Elocution

My formative years were shaped and influenced by the Christian Brothers. In twelfth grade assembly we were scheduled to hold an elocution contest - enrollment was 800 - all boys. All the drama fellows signed up but it was not my cup of tea. But Brother Felix John, math teacher, had other ideas and "urged" me to try out - said he would rehearse me each day after school. He wasn't a man you said "no" to. So I proceeded to memorize Marc Antony's locution at Caesar's funeral and had it down pat. As the "day" approached I was informed that I could not use my rehearsal material but needed to find something "fresh". So on short notice we attacked "The Deathbed of Benedict Arnold". It would be my first time on a bare stage - no microphone - and I was the lead speaker. With knees knocking I beat up on Benedict and I remember hissing the word "TRAITOR" and then retired to the wings with tepid applause (a sitting ovation it was not). And I let the drama boys do their thing. Little did I know that thirty years later that experience helped me address any size audience. May each of you find someone in your life to nudge you beyond your self imposed limits.
tjs

Gimmee a Break

Dear Mr. President: You are 72 years of age and haven't missed a day in two years. The frantic pace is wearing on us all. Too many crises, too many summits, too many rallies and too many surprises. Some of us really need those two weeks in Martha's Vineyard or the Hamptons to recharge. How about if you call in sick one day, put the Tweeter on silent, go play 36 holes or better yet - hit the beach with a book - a real paper book. Then we all return refreshed to do battle in the mid-terms.
Sincerely, Teddy Snowflake
tjs

Are there any News II

Trump didn't do his wealthy friends any favors with the new tax plan for as of December 31, 2018 you will no longer be able to deduct alimony payments on your tax return. Divorce attorneys who normally advise to think it over are preparing for a busy end of year activity.

Amazin' Amazon! They have begun to deliver parcels to the highest reaches of the Himalayas in India - 11,500 feet elevation. Their contractor is called  "Incredible Himalaya" and neither the snows nor cattle in the roads keep these couriers from their rounds. (Don't know their return policy but I wouldn't suggest it.)
tjs

God Bless America

It is fitting that on this Holiday we should be reminded that this year is the 100th anniversary of the title song written by Private Irving Berlin shortly after he became a naturalized U.S. citizen.
He and his family were immigrants fleeing religious persecution in Russia circa 1893. He was five years old at the time and the NY Times reports that he and his siblings were placed in a "holding pen" while immigration officials decided their fate. How strange that 125 years and a few pages later we read of five year olds experiencing the same treatment. GOD BLESS AMERICA!
tjs

Play It Again.

Dateline -Casablanca, Morocco: Rick's Cafe has reopened, the watering hole made famous by Humphrey Bogart in the 1942 classic movie. The owner is a woman who served as a commercial attache in our embassy in Rabat, the capital. In her fund raising effort she went to "round up the usual suspects." And she went to the Treasury Department to explain why people were wiring money to the Usual Suspects Societe Anonyme in Casablanca. She found a piano player and opened in 2004. If you plan on visiting - as Bogart did "for the waters" - you will find this lady holding up her corner of the bar. She considers it her assisted living center.
tjs

Stowaways II

The USL service to Australia was a lengthy round trip voyage taking three or four months but attracted a motley crewman glad to be away from the home office. Southbound calls at Brisbane-Sydney-Melbourne -Adelaide with occasional stops at Tahiti - with northbound stops in reverse.
On one northbound voyage - with a grizzly old Brit as Master, several stowaways were discovered after leaving Brisbane. The old man did not want to take them all the way back to New York. A sister ship heading south was invited to rendezvous and was asked to accept the interlopers and deposit them back in Brisbane. Captain number two refused to get involved. So the Brit diverted his ship to Pitcairn Island (Fletcher Christian's land) - put the stowaways in a lifeboat with some water and put them ashore. Arriving back in New York, his crew criticized him for his action. He said "They were British subjects and I put them ashore on British soil - end of story."
tjs