Reconstruction

It's official, it's in cement, Jared is handling the WALL. But maybe it's mucilage and not cement. And maybe it's louvered windows and not steel beams. The last wall he was involved in the Middle East, he left it "wailing". Now enter "eminent domain" - when YOUR government rings YOUR doorbell to tell you to vacate your premises to make way for a "wall". It just doesn't seem right.
tjs

It's in the air

Shades of "Breaking Bad" - The authorities in Arkansas charged two chemistry professors in connection with the production of "meth". The science center was closed because of a report of an undetermined chemical odor. It was a liberal arts institution but apparently not that liberal. The profs are on administrative leave. Hide the bunsen burner!

The air pollution is so bad in some cities in India that oxygen bars have sprung up. For a few rupees one can inhale fifteen seconds of pure oxygen. Then it's back on the scooter. This could catch on.
tjs

Eat mor chikin

NYTimes tells when hurricane Dorian hit the Outer Banks on Sept. 6th, a group of cows were swept out to sea by a storm surge. Three of these cows were later found to be grazing at the Cape Lookout National Park which they're believed to have reached by swimming at least two miles.......perhaps training for the bovine olympics. This is "udder" amazing but proof that these sturdy Guernseys could not be "cowed" by a hurricane. Hence,  "eat mor chikin".
tjs
NYT 11/16/19

Horsing around

You have heard the expression "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." The proverb comes from the practice of evaluating the age of a horse by looking at his teeth. It also spawned the saying "long in the tooth". But the NYT reminds us that in 1911 a Spokane, Washington racehorse owner was set to equip his pacing mare, Blanche, with a $3000. set of false gold-filled teeth. She had won a big race for him the week before so he said he can afford to buy her a new set of teeth. On her next race she would be all smiles crossing the winner's line.
tjs
(NYT 11/13/19)

No Whimpering!

POTUS in his wild imagination had the terrorist "crying, screaming and whimpering" in his last moments. It reminds me of a movie from my youth where Jimmy Cagney was on death row and Pat O'Brien, the priest was hearing his last confession. The priest convinced him to fake crying and screaming as he walked the last mile so the other inmates would be dissuaded that Cagney was their hero. But there was nary a whimper heard.
tjs

Telephonic Mobility

Just when you think you heard it all.........I have heard the term "speed dial" - even "robo call" but the latest is something called "butt dial". It can be a verb or a noun depending on where you sit. Google search defines it as "An inadvertent call made on a mobile phone in one's rear pants pocket." Come on, man! Have we come to this? We could "butt" heads over this one. Get out the Lysol! Being the user of a lap top I'll have to "sit" this one out.
tjs

Smells Fishy

Barney Greengrass, known as the Sturgeon King, is an Upper West Side (NYC) deli in business over 100 years - and that's a lot of salmon over the dam. But last week, one day after Yom Kippur, the Health authorities swooped down and found some infractions causing a temporary closing. They found 300 mouse droppings - presumably, someone had to count them. The third generation owner complained "....these inspectors come in and it feels like they're performing a colonoscopy on you.......no one's home would pass inspection."
Ouch!
tjs
(NYT 10/14/19)

A "Crafty" idea.

From the Associated Press: Hot off the presses or chilled from the cooler, Danish brewer Carlsberg is developing a paper beer bottle, fully recyclable with an inner barrier. They will partner with Coca Cola, Absolut and L'Oreal to develop the bottles. They are doing their part for sustainability, and as we know, Denmark owns GREENland. It sounds like a "crafty" idea and perhaps they will have a tasting party. Stay tuned.
tjs
(NYT 10/12/19)

Oink, oink!

Wall Street may tell you that pork bellies are "low" but pork prices in China are going thru the roof. A swine fever epidemic caused them to cull the herd so there is a shortage of hogs. As we have an oil reserve so China has a pork reserve which they have had to dip into. They have thousands of TONS of frozen pork in a dozen huge warehouses at zero fah. To celebrate China's 70th anniversary last week they "pulled" thirty thousand TONS of pork from reserves to accommodate demand. The hog callers in Iowa must be impressed. Sooey!
tjs
(NYT 10/8/19)

ABSCAM Scandal

Readers of a certain age may remember an FBI sting known as ABSCAM. They made a movie about it and it was featured on 60 Minutes circa  1980. A Philadelphia Congressman was caught in the web and expelled from Congress - the first expulsion since the Civil War. Before they voted him out he spoke to his colleagues: "As you go to the voting machine, keep in mind when you hit that button that it will have the same effect.......as if I were strapped into an electric chair." Very dramatic - and very brazen. I  read the NYT article with a touch of sadness as I knew and worked with his father. In south Philly parlance the son's mantra was "Money talks and Bull.... walks."
tjs
NYT 10/3/19

Heaven can wait.

Japan has announced its intention to raise its consumption tax level from 8% to 10% which has many citizens rushing to make purchases before the effective date. One item highlighted is burial graves which can run up to $37,000. One fellow was pleased with his purchase which included a tombstone engraved with "Thank you for coming to see me." - the innate politeness of the Japanese shining thru. It sounded like an invitation to tea. But he did beat the tax collector.
tjs
NYT 10/1/19

Art imitating life

The Golden Loo is gone! I had read earlier that a sculptor had created a solid 18-karat gold toilet and it was installed in the Guggenheim Museum in Manhattan and in 2017 "more than 100,000 people have waited patiently in line (in Manhattan it would be ON line) for the opportunity to commune with art and with nature." When it was installed it created an Instagram "splash". But it was recently on loan to the Blenheim Palace, the birthplace of Winston Churchill, as part of a larger exhibit. But, alas, it was stolen last week and being a working toilet, there was considerable flooding. If the perpetrator attempts to melt the "loo", this type gold is valued at $1500. per ounce and the robbers would be "flushed" with a few million euros or pounds. And that's no BULLion!
tjs
NYT 9/15/19

Occupational Hazard

Armchair lawyers and insurance adjusters please take notice: Date line London: A court in France has ruled that a man who died from a heart attack after having sex during a business trip had suffered a work-related accident and that his employer was liable..... Let that sink in for a moment. This decision agreed with a Health Insurance Fund and the issue has far reaching effects on pension payments, etc. A comparison offered was that of an employee being stung by a wasp while driving. And the subject at hand never had the opportunity to submit his expense account.
tjs
(NYT 9/13/19)

Who's sorry now?

No, not the song of the same name. Do you recall the StarKist tuna ads beginning "Sorry, Charlie, only the best tuna make it..........." Well, StarKist is real sorry now as today's business section reveals they have been fined $100 million for price fixing, an ugly phrase. I love their Albacore white tuna in water. On a "scale" of fines, $100 mill may not leave their Korean owners "hooked". I am awaiting my next salad with "baited" breath.
tjs

Facial Hair

It has been said that one of the reasons Trump fired Bolton was Bolton's bushy mustache. It reminded me of the following story: When Winston Churchill was a young member of Parliament, he featured a tiny blonde mustache and after a lecture one evening he was accosted by an irate woman who said to him "I don't like your policies and I don't like your silly mustache!" W.C. replied "Madam. it is highly unlikely that you should ever become familiar with either." What would Winnie think of Brexit?
tjs

Stake Out

When in Manhattan, Donald Trump often frequents 21 Club where the burgers go for $36. But last year the Dems had a fund raiser in toney Rittenhouse Square where the famed Philly cheese steak goes for $120. (Includes rib eye, foie gras, truffled cheese whiz and 1/2 bottle champagne.) I feel sure the Original Pat in South Philly would be shocked, shocked at such prices while his ala carte menu prices at $14. - but sorry no bubbly. Anyway, the Dems should be well fed and well heeled for the battles ahead.
tjs

Cock a doodle

Someone once told me that a rooster crows because he thinks he caused the dawn. Now in rural France a rooster named Maurice was sued by a couple on vacation because he was causing too much noise. But the judge ruled that the rooster had a right to crow in his rural habitat. The court awarded Maurice 1000 euros in damages - more than enough for a luxury redo of his simple green chicken coop. And so "fowl" play was avoided.
Let the cock crow!
tjs

Animal House

The NYTimes writes about the following:
- In Kazakhstan they are cross breeding two hump camels with one hump dromedaries to produce a stronger pack animal and still retain the milking capability.
- In Iraq ISIS harnessed two cows with explosive vests to roam thru the village with vests to be detonated remotely. They have been called "Bovine suicide bombers." It seems they are running out of human volunteers. Cows are worth $1200 each over there.
-And in China, a young man had his dead cat exhumed and cloned and he is happy again.
-Boy, I hope nobody messes with the current Bull market that's keeping my IRA afloat.
tjs

Mea Culpa II

While we were absorbing news of DORIAN'S "GRAY" outlook, the following came in datelined Rome, Italy: The Pope was stuck in an elevator for thirty minutes which made him late for his Angelus audience. Apparently Ex Cathedra covers chairs and thrones but not mechanical contraptions. The Vatican mechanics were perplexed as the lift performed well on Ascension Thursday. Well, Your Holiness, we all have our ups and downs.
tjs

Speech patterns

                                                                                                

Why do I keep hearing the preamble phrase "At the end of the day" comma......the end of the day should bring a sunset. Why do some people begin an answer with "So,"...So what? My parish priest giving a sermon would unfailingly inject the phrase "And as a consequence therefore....." My Latin teacher would always end the lesson with "And thereby hangs a tale...(sic)" Years ago, seeking brevity, Western Union offered a set rate for ten words or less. Many folks then either walked to work or took the trolley car. But after a heavy snow storm not many made muster except a fellow seeking approval from his manager. He then sent the following wire via Western Union "In though sick, few others here"...can't get much briefer than that.
tjs

Quotes of the Day

-"The truth is, the president is the secular pope - and he needs to be a moral leader..." - Frank Keating, former Governor of Oklahoma.

The late Cliff Branch of the Oakland Raiders "was so skinny, his back pockets would fight when he walked"..so said John Madden, his head coach.
tjs (NYT  8/6/19)

Holy Toledo

Our Commander in Chief seems to confuse Dayton, Ohio with Toledo - a port city on Lake Erie and 150 miles to the north. This is sloppy speech writing and our leader didn't even realize it. Send him an Atlas! Every third grader knows that Dayton was the home of the Wright Brothers. This is not a political comment - just a critique of the "talent" surrounding him  - there is no one to speak truth to power and that's a shame!
tjs

Humor me.

One of my favorite humorists was S.J. Perelman, an avowed New Yorker. He made some money writing for the Marx Brothers and wrote about the experience in "Acres & Pains". So flushed, he followed other famous writers to Bucks County, Pa. purchasing an 83 acre property in the town of Erwinna, Pa. But he soon found that he lost the "New York idiom" and moved back to Manhattan. He said he was no fan of country life noting how "a corner delicatessen at dusk is more exciting than any rainbow!" Fast forward and the corner delis are disappearing.
tjs )NYT 7/28/19)

Financial Wizards

While you were absorbed with the Mueller hearings, you may have missed the following from the financial world:
-Jeffrey Epstein was found injured in his cell and is on a suicide watch. If his situation is a ruse, he may be seeking better "accommodations". After all, Al Capone had a luxury suite at Eastern Penitentiary back then. And that's no secret, Victoria!
-Bernie Madoff, age 81, is seeking clemency from Trump after a decade in the clink. Madoff was a neighbor of Trump in Palm Beach at one time and a visitor at Mar a Lago. He tried unsuccessfully to get Donald to invest. Stay tuned on this one.
tjs

Are there any news?

An old saw: A wolf whistle is like a train whistle and a gal likes to hear it even though she isn't going anywhere. But lately, train whistles in Canada are giving people the shivers. The NYT reports that in 2017 there were 62 runaway trains taking off on their own - an increase of ten percent over the last decade. I have read about self driving autos but this story is off the rails!

Last week there was a blackout in Manhattan which lasted five hours but I was there in 1977 when the lights went out for 25 hours. After avoiding a mugging on Lexington Ave. I sought refuge in a friend's 3rd floor apt. The most important thing I learned was if you lose power, immediately fill the bathtub with water..........you will need it for flushing - particularly if in a high rise building.
tjs

Buzz Off

Yesterday, Donald Trump was swatting house flies in the Rose Garden. They may have been attracted to his after shave lotion - or his hair tonic - but he couldn't blame the teleprompter this time. Recalls the ditty - "A flea and a fly in a flue - were imprisoned so what could they do - let us flee said the fly - fly away said the flea - so they flew thru a flaw in the flue."
tjs

Hail Brittania II

You've heard the term "The ayes have it!" It seems the current British Ambassador chose a bit of alliteration in describing the current occupant of the White House as "inept, insecure and incompetent" - straightforward but not very diplomatic.

This year's British Open will be held in Northern Ireland. The weather up there is always a consideration. David Feherty, a former Irish champion recalls a past Open when the wind blew and the rain poured so that the seagulls were walking.

Oh, and Brexit is on the back burner as they await a new Prime Minister - God save the Queen!
tjs

Uber Service

Recently, we ordered our first Uber  - one driver was from Ghana and the return fellow was from India. Both short hauls and both prompt - be aware they do charge for waiting time. Just read where Uber is expanding in Africa.  Lagos, Nigeria is a city of 20 million built on a lagoon with incredible traffic jams. So Uber is considering a water service - close your eyes and think you're in Venice. And don't forget your motion sickness pills. A bit of salt air should give you a LYFT.
tjs

Ah, Peoria!

Peoria, in down state Illinois, is famous for Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Caterpillar, but it is also the birth place of the late Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen.
In 1948 we bought our first 12 inch black & white TV set to watch Milton Berle on Tuesday night at 8PM. On an opposite channel, then Bishop Sheen, he of the piercing eyes, was reciting his message in front of a blackboard. We had to choose between Uncle Miltie and Uncle Fultie. Now, forty years after the Archbishop's death, there is a movement to relocate his body - intact - to his birth place in the Diocese of Peoria from his resting place in St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York. I say "intact" as that was not always the practice. St. Catherine of Siena is enshrined in Rome while her head is revered in a basilica in Siena, Italy. And St. Francis Xavier is entombed in Goa, India but his right arm is in Rome. When my time comes I hope there is no squabbling over my body parts. tjs
(NYT 6/12/19)

The Week in Review

 -What do Siri, Alexa and Cortana have in common? Well, they are all "visual assistants" - moreover, they have all been assigned the feminine gender. This has ruffled some feathers- "The more that culture teaches people to equate women  with assistants, the more real women will be seen as assistants." NYT 5/23/19

The State of Washington has passed a law permitting the compost of human remains. For about $5000. a company will turn bodies into compost and return the soil to loved ones to be spread on a garden or to help grow a tree. For you statisticians this practice can produce approx. one cubic yard per person. NYT 5/23/19

Quote of the week: "Bill Barr is as duplicitous as Rudy Giuilani but not as good looking."(Adam Schiff)
tjs

The song is ended...

....but the melody lingers on. Another icon has fallen. The late Kate Smith has been singing "God bless America" at all Yankee and Flyers games. She was even adopted as the Phila. Flyers mascot. But it seems that in the 1930s she recorded a racially tainted song and now pays the price as banishment from the current scene while she is not around to explain the circumstances. Over the years artists were "required" to present second rate material to fill out side B at the direction of the recording studio. Kate's theme song "When the moon comes over the mountain...." is on UTube in all its clarity as I remember as a child listening to her on the radio. So the Flyers took a "slap shot" at her, wiping out a part of their history, threw a sheet over her statue and moved it from in front of their arena. Move over Joe Paterno!
tjs NYT 4/20/19

It's Fashionable

A line of clothing is seeking trademark protection and the case has reached the Supreme Court. Applicant goes by "Friends U can't trust." - with the brand name FUCT. It is aimed at the youth market. Several Justices are wringing their hands. But Justice Ginsberg said that the 20 year olds targeted might not find the term shocking and suppose that such a niche market might find the name "mainstream"! RBG cuts to the core.
tjs
NYT 4/16/19

How To.

Sunday's NYT did a  thoughtful article "...Unlearning How to Hate." This alluding to a spate of Swastikas appearing in our schools. In a much lighter vein, the theme reminded me of the fellow who wanted to improve his status with the ladies and visited his local library in search of some suitable information. Moving down the shelves he found a title "How to Hug", thought this might provide some interesting suggestions and stuffed it in his coat and took it home. It was then he found it to be the fifth chapter of the Encyclopedia Brittanica "H O W to H U G". Please don't hate me for this one.
tjs
NYT 3/10/19

The Olympiad

If we can turn away from the 2020 political fervor for a moment, let's remember 2020 is also an Olympic year - this time in Tokyo, Japan. I just read where they want to add break-dancing as a competitive sport. That one has my head spinning!
Last winter they gave us "curling" in prime time - a "sport" where opponents wield brooms. We were also asked to stay awake for the badminton matches, noted for their dexterity and wrist movement. Don't be surprised if someone lobbies for "darts" - that would clear out all the pubs. Somehow, I don't think this is what the Greeks had in mind.
tjs

Gone Tomorrow

Did you ever realize the extent TV networks have to go to "write out" a key member of the story line? When Roseanne Barr had to go, ABC arranged for her character to die from a opioid overdose. CBS had Charlie Sheen's character hit by a train. Ouch! And when Kevin Spacey had to leave House of Cards, his character was killed off by a medication overdose. The writers will consider "Anything from a tragic car accident to 'he took a walk in the woods and no one knows where he is'."
tjs
NYT 2/22/19

Iron Man

Don Newcombe, famous Dodger pitcher died this week at age 92. His career was shortened by Army service and alcoholism. But in Sept. 1950 the Dodgers arrived in Philadelphia for a daytime doubleheader. Newcombe won the first game 2-0 and went into the locker room, changed his sweatshirt and went out and started the second game shortly after. He went another seven innings - a feat that was never repeated in modern times. The Phillies "Whiz Kids" beat Brooklyn for the National League title in a playoff game, but the tired Phillies were no match for the NY Yankees in the World Series. I witnessed game 1 from the outfield seats right over Joe DiMaggio's shoulder.
tjs

The Sound of Silence

V.P. Mike Pence was in Munich last week addressing the European community - he was extolling the achievements of his boss and when he mentioned the name Donald J. Trump he paused  - to allow for applause but there was none.
The silence was deafening. Hoosier Mike, with not a hair out of place, slogged on. Not even Simon & Garfunkel could bail him out. And I recalled my reference to British currency "PENCE SHILLING for Trump's 243 POUNDS.
tjs

Beltway Banter

Sen. Mitch McConnell is not one of my favorites ever since he blocked Obama's Court nomination.
NYT describes him "sentimental as a scythe and not one for small talk."

Washington Post motto  "Democracy Dies in Darkness.!"

Executive Time in the White House will now include virtual golf in a new simulator just installed. Now he has no excuse to fly to Mar A Lago.

Green New Deal - reading the fine points one finds it deals with the issue of cow flatulence by reducing meat consumption.

Recent obit for Congressman Walter B. Jones, Jr. the following all in one line : Out of college, Mr. Jones joined the National Guard and became a wine salesman as well as a Catholic. Wow! And all the while chewing gum. R.I.P.
tjs
NYT 2/16/19

Tally Ho!

Wishing all my readers a Happy Valentine's Day!
Not to spoil all that lovin' but was just reminded that yesterday, February 13th was the thirteenth anniversary of Dick Cheney's fateful hunting trip. He was looking for quail but when he fired his shotgun he hit a hunting partner in several places.
His friend survived but amazingly the victim apologized to the Veep for causing him stress. Isn't that what friends are for? What's a little buckshot compared with WMD? I'm afraid the Cheney name will be with us for a while as his daughter is in Congress. Why oh, why oh, did he ever leave Wyoming.
tjs
NYT 2/13/19

Bearing Down

Dateline: Moscow - Receding Arctic ice is forcing Polar bears off their preferred terrain. As such, 52 bears invaded a little village above the Arctic Circle, scaring the people and daily routines are being disrupted. As they then encountered an "open dump" it appears they will be around for a while. "The bear is a curious animal, and it will smell the human food. This is an anthropogenic problem" so says a leading Russian expert on Polar bears.
tjs
NYT 2/12/19

Candidates

The Democratic roster of Presidential candidates currently numbers nine which may grow to sixteen. Donald Trump may strain his stigmatizing to find that many nicknames. Pocahontas married John Rolfe and changed her name to Rebecca - see what he can do with that one. In my day he could spread awe with "Ya mother wears Army boots.!"
He may need to run a contest or perhaps check with Julio down by the schoolyard.
tjs

God Save the Queen

As a closeted Anglophile I have been following the Brexit negotiations and whether the U.K. will have a soft or hard landing when they break away from the European Union. There have been fearful expectations ranging from product shortages to rioting in the streets. As such there are contingency plans to evacuate the Queen  and senior royals. A pundit remarked "but don't let Philip drive!" But I think we would all prefer to see Elizabeth II cruising on the royal yacht than suffering the fate of those sixteenth century antecedents. When I visited Manchester mid 1960s our agent took me to their Rotary luncheon where they all toasted the Queen before lighting up. Very touching to see how they feel about the Royal Family.
tjs

Looking Ahead

If we look past Groundhog Day, Candlemas Day and the Latin numbered Super Bowl, we find the Chinese New Year on February 5th - the year of the Pig. This animal was designated last in the Zodiac because he came late to the Emperor's party. But wait - he has to share that date with Donald Trump who is addressing the nation that evening. Come to think of it, they do "share" a resemblance.
tjs

Frigidity

"Noses are red, I'm feeling blue!" It's three degrees in Chilly Philly. I thought the third degree was confined to prisoners. Exit January - the cruel month. There's ice in the birdbath, mother. So, cover up, even though that may be worse than the crime. Anxiously awaiting the Groundhog's verdict. Stay tuned - stay warm - stay safe.
tjs

Recomposition

Dateline Seattle, Wash.. - A bill before the Washington State Legislature would make this state the first in the nation to allow human remains to be disposed of and reduced to soil through composting. Funeral directors are cringing. Death certificates do not have a "box" for this. Pete Seeger, the folk singer, crooned about the idea: "If I should die before I wake, all my bone and sinew take. Put them in the compost pile to decompose a little while. When radishes and corn you munch you may be having me for lunch." (Sounds like Ogden Nash). The folks in the Pacific Northwest march to a different drumbeat  - but if you're moving there, be aware!
tjs
NYT 1/27/19

Double Play

Baseball fans of a certain age will recall the double play combo - Tinker to Evers to Chance. A later Cubs trio was Baker, Banks and Bilko. Now we read that the senior White House negotiating team is comprised of Kushner, Mulvaney and Pence. It reads like a second tier law firm. And this is their "A" team? Jared is half Pelosi's age and she may have to spank him. And Pence won't meet with her without his wife present. To paraphrase James Comey, "Lordy, Lordy!"
tjs

Whom do you Trust?

The Supreme Court has declined to accept the case for the DACA children this term but they have agreed to decide a case on vulgarity. A clothing line is seeking a trademark "FUCT" allegedly standing for "Friends You Can't Trust." The Trademark Bureau declined and now it is a First Amendment issue. In 1964 Justice Potter Stewart was quoted "I know pornography when I see it" - after viewing several reels! Too bad Antonin Scalia isn't around for this dissertation. Some are calling this vulgar term the "phonetic twin." Stay tuned all you SCOTUS followers.
tjs
NYT 1/22/19

Quotes of the week

The great thing about America used to be that anyone could grow up to become President. Now you don't even have to grow up. - Brent Kigner

The Speaker of the British House of Commons is a colorful character whose voice is described as "that undrownoutable voice, something like an air-raid siren with postnasal drip."

"My father was a builder of bridges, not walls." Son of MLK Jr

All is not rosy at the World Court in The Hague - a retiring administrator said "If I could collect the knives put in my back over those reforms, I could open a restaurant."

Two days after flipping his Land Rover, Prince Philip of Britain, age 97, was seen driving a second "Rover" - without a seat belt!  He's giving us old folks a bad name.
tjs

Commuting Delays

Manhattan riders are not the only ones suffering thru transit delays.  A lady commuter in Bavaria had a forty minute ride to Munich which with track repairs switched her to a bus and a two hour ride. When returning home, instead of kicking the dog, she began to knit a striped, colored scarf varying on the length of delay that day. At the end of 2018 she had a four foot long beauty, auctioned for 7550 Euros which went to a charity assisting people at train stations. Knit one, purl two!
tjs
NYT 1/17/19

Elementary

Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. At sundown they paused to rig their tent and crawl into their sleeping bags. Around three A.M. Holmes awakened and shook his friend. "Look up - what do you see?" The Doctor said I see a constellation of stars. Holmes said "Somebody stole our tent!" Elementary, my dear Watson.
tjs