Potpourri XIII

In the world of philanthrophy Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg stands out for his gifts to his alma mater Johns Hopkins University to date totaling 1.1 billion dollars. Among his various contributions to the campus is a malaria institute. His latest passion: genetically engineering mosquitoes to prevent the transmission of malaria. He has paid for a temperature controlled center to cultivate the bugs. With all he has on his plate he always asks about the mosquitoes - per NYTimes 1/27/13

You may have heard that Rio de Janeiro is planning for the World Cup in 2014 and the Summer Olympics in 2016 and their increased activity is putting a stress on its aging infrastructure. The latest menace is exploding manholes. The local Cariocas have a video game that involves the nimble avoidance of sidewalk explosions. The renewed activity has even attracted Donald J. Trump who talks of building five skyscrapers. Let's hope The Donald is nimble crossing the boulevards.

Flash! 1/28/13 - Iran announced they sent a monkey into space and returned him safely. Pretty soon they will have a satellite in space looking at us as we look at them. Hello!
tjs
Next - Groundhog Day

The Haircut

An acquaintance submitted the following which I will paraphrase in the interest of space:

A florist entered a barber shop for a haircut and when he went to pay the barber refused payment saying he was doing community service this week. The next morning he found a dozen roses on his doorstep with a thank you note.
A policeman went in for the same service and again the barber refused payment saying he was performing a community service. The next morning he found a dozen donuts on his doorstep with a thank you note.
The next day a congressman went in for a trim and again the barber refused payment for the reason as stated. When he opened his shop the next morning he found a dozen congressmen on his doorstep all looking for a free haircut. (Crosses party lines)
tjs
P.S. As I am currently in need of a trim myself I would quote the Old Vaudevillian who said "I'd better get a haircut or buy a violin."
Next -Potpourri XIII

Press Conferences

A friend reminded me that John F. Kennedy was the first president to hold televised news conferences - the first being in 1961. Contrary to Eisenhower before him and Nixon after him, JFK thrived on the give and take with the reporters. His favorite foil was Miss May Craig of the Gannett Maine paper. She was then seventy-two years old, always wore a hat and he always called on her. One such session she peppered him with questions i.e. what was he doing about women's issues, employment opportunities, etc. JFK replied with a twinkle in his eye"Obviously, not enough, Miss Craig." - which created laughter and relieved any tension that might be in the room. Miss Craig had similar exchanges with FDR twenty years before and she was a veteran of WWII reporting as well. And Kennedy didn't need a teleprompter back then.
tjs
Next - The Haircut

Turning the Tables

While Friday's snow had me confined I thought I would change the music on the CD turntable - remove the Christmas carols and insert some old favorites. Yes, with my old LPs on the shelf I am in a CD world - no IPod - no earphones. I would not foist my music tastes on anyone but here are my five selections to spin: Dinah Washington - Cole Porter - Django Reinhardt - Richard Evans - Benny Goodman - somewhat eclectic but great stuff.
Hear Dinah on "What a Difference a Day makes"  with the lyric "it's heaven when you -  find romance on your menu" And her impeccable phrasing for 4:16 on "Manhattan" with a flute background is a classic.  I'm sure these are available on Utube or Amazon if you care to sample.
As an aside when Geoge Plimpton wrote "Paper Lion" he spent the summer of 1960 with the Detroit Lions training camp. Their star defensive halfback was Dick "NightTrain" Lane who was married to Dinah Washington and played her records constantly in camp.
Another classic to consider might be Cole Porter's "Begin the Beguine" recorded by Artie Shaw Orchestra in July 1938 - a time when the big bands were in vogue.
CDs you say? But better than cranking the handle on the old Victrola that we had in the basement growing up.
tjs
Next - Press Conferences

Deep Freeze

They tell me we are expecting snow tonight - perhaps several inches - and I left Florida for this. But the landlord provides plenty of heat and hot water to keep us comfortable.  If we get snowed in there will be plenty of time for elbow bending and jaw- boning - and speaking of elbow bones I will segue into a riddle - "Why do they call the ulna the funny bone?" Answer - 'Because it borders on the humerus."
Ouch!  Sure hope that groundhog doesn't see his shadow on Feb. 2nd - stay tuned.
tjs
Next - TBA (Mon.)

Latin 101

The title of the Big Game includes the following: XLVII -  but I only had one year of Latin so I can't count over X.  The two week hype is under way but the real story is not in the half- time show or the clever ads - it's Harbaugh & Harbaugh - sounds like a law firm. When you consider there are thirty-two teams vying for the football championship and how coaches come and go with such frequency - it is both remarkable and unprecedented - that the last two coaches standing after a gruelling season would be brothers. The outcome of the game rests with the performance of the players but you can't help thinking about the coaches' parents back in Wisconsin knowing that when time expires on the field one son will be hailed as victor and their other son as runner-up. Baltimore vs. San Francisco - East Coast vs. West Coast. So to paraphrase that old fight announcer, Harry Balogh, "May the better team emerge triumphant."
tjs
Next - Deep Freeze

Sanity check.

A health professional visited a mental institution to determine their criteria for admittance. The director said we have several tests we perform - one might be filling a bathtub with water and giving the "applicant" a bucket and a cup - asking "What would you use to empty the tub?" The visitor volunteered that one would surely choose the bucket. The host replied that that would be the incorrect choice - one should merely pull the plug on the drain - adding "Would you like your bed by the window?"
tjs
Next -Latin 101

A Matter of Style

When I was young, single and in my prime I used to visit John Wanamaker's men Store every few months to check on their latest fashions. I was then a size 42 regular and the salesman was a low keyed gent who allowed me to browse for twenty minutes and then, knowing my taste, would present me with an attractive ensemble. One year he actually sold me a red plaid two piece suit just in time for Christmas. But he later topped that with a two piece velour suit by Bill Blass with a silk lining in the jacket. It was not something you would wear on the Philadelphia subway at the time. But at cocktail parties it was dynamite! The women could not stop pawing that velour jacket. But Bill Blass was stingy with material - tight in the crotch - and nowhere to go on the waistline. Alas, as I grew beyond a 42R this beautiful suit languished in the closet. Choking back a tear, I eventually gave it to Goodwill Industries and I know that somewhere in  Florida there is a slim dude wearing my velour and surrounded by adoring women.
tjs
Next - Sanity check.

Inauguration Day

I would like to pause today to witness and honor the inauguration of our President - the President of all the people - and offer a silent prayer as he guides our nation for the next four years.
tjs
Next - TBA

Penguins

The following submitted by a friend at Christmas. I cannot verify the accuracy or authenticity of same.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow - freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. But as we said above "always compassionate contact."
tjs
Next - Inauguration Day (Mon.)

Boola Boola

The earth shifted the other day. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a hearing for the first time in seven years. But witnesses say it was only to tell a joke - the butt of which was his alma mater Yale Law School. Picking on Yale reminded me of a story I wrote in my memoir "The Eagle Blue Chronicles". Circa 1960s my boss in Philadelphia was being kicked upstairs to the New York office and we gave him a departure dinner and I was assigned to introduce him to the assembly. I related how he first arrived in our industry by answering an ad in the newspaper which read something like the following: "Wanted! Young person, energetic, industrious and aggressive willing to learn and advance in an exciting industry. Applicant must be a Yale graduate or the equivalent."
My boss had gone to Princeton and replied as follows: "By the equivalent of a Yale grad do you mean two Harvard men or a Princeton man working part time?" When the laughter subsided - and since he was no longer my boss I added ..."Fred got the job and he's been working part time ever since."
tjs
(I like this story because it is transferable to any campus of your choice.)
Next -Penguins

All Politics Are Local

Last month, to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the birth of Rep. Thomas "Tip" O'Neill, a group of newsmen/women who covered him gathered to share reminisces of the famous Speaker of the House. The discussion was filled with anecdotal humor. He once returned from a meeting and told an aide "You won't believe it but they're going to invade Canada." He meant Grenada! At the conclusion O'Neill's son told this story that his father always used to close an address.
It concerned Henry Ford who in 1922 visited Cork, Ireland the home of his forebears.  His visit coincided with the local effort to build a hospital. The locals asked Ford if he would like to make a donation on behalf of his parents and he sat down and made out a check for $5,000 which was a considerable sum back then. The next day the local paper headlined that Ford had donated $50,000.
They quickly apologized for the extra zero and said there would be a correction in the next day's edition. That would be embarrassing so Ford asked for the check back and tore it up. He then asked how much the total construction costs would be. They answered - $50,000. So he sat down and made out a check for $50,000 - held it up and said "There is one condition - I want the following phrase inscribed over the entrance  - I CAME AMONG YOU AND YOU TOOK ME IN."
tjs
Next - Boola, Boola!

New York Humor

As a devoted reader of NYTimes obituaries I noted the passing of Harvey Shapiro, poet and editor, on Jan. 7, 2013. I was not  familiar with his work but quote below a few snippets:

-Caught on a side street in heavy traffic, I said to the cabbie, I should have walked. He replied - I should have been a doctor.

-When can I get on the 11:33 I ask the guy in the information booth at the Atlantic Avenue station. When they open the doors, he says. I am home among my people.

-Who created you? Jacob J. Shapiro and Dorothy Cohen. They created me. Who will uncreate you? Impossible to predict just now but my money is on pastrami. (unquote)

One of my favorite humorists was S.J. Perelman, a New Yorker who followed some of the literary crowd to bucolic Bucks County, Pennsylvania. After six months down there he abruptly returned to Manhattan where a friend was surprised to find him walking the streets at night. S.J. explained he couldn't write in such unfamiliar territory as he found he had lost his "New York Idiom."
tjs
Next - All Politics Are Local

Privacy? Forget it!

Most of us are familiar with the type of questionaire we are required to fill out when visiting a medical facility for the first time. It can run for several pages and can ask some surprising questions.
Random samples might include: Do you suffer dizzy spells? do you smoke? Do you use alcohol? If yes, how often? But I just heard of a new "probing" question: Do you own a gun? This from a primary care general practitioner's clinic. I was waiting to see if they would ask: Is it loaded? and Is it with you? Perhaps they were worried about a potential dispute over fees. Or maybe their insurance carrier was losing sleep. Anyway the issue is topical so please check your sidearms at the door.

Re alcohol consumption, the late comedian Joe. E. Lewis was once asked how much did he drink - two glasses? a pint? He replied "A pint? I spill that much!"
tjs
Next - New York Humor

Potpourri XII

What's new? Well, I read where they are injecting yoga into prisons to keep the inmates calm. If Willie Sutton had this he would never have broken out all the time.

Some Presidents are football fans but not all. Calvin Coolidge thought the Chicago Bears were a circus act. You couldn't blame him as owner George Halas was known as the Papa Bear.

TSA has recently announced that airline passengers under the age of 12 and over 75 no longer will have to remove their shoes. Now they tell me just after I switched to velcro.

The American Dialect Society has declared "hashtag" as the word of the year edging out "fiscal cliff"
and "marriage equality" tho the latters were not hyphenated to qualify I would have thought. This gem amplified in NYT 1/8/13 by Jennifer Schuessler.

So, what else is new? Well, a new type of rustler has appeared on the scene in Colorado. Due to the severe drought the thieves are stealing bales of hay. Certainly not looking for the needle.
tjs
Next - TBA (Mon.)










tjs

Reality TV

My wife has me hooked on Downton Abbey. The Brits do it so well. Recent episode Jan 6th has the host family threatened with bankruptcy and/or foreclosure i.e. they could lose the family mansion with all the maids, butlers, valets and footmen out on the street. The timeline was post WWI. But reality in post WWII in England was not easy either. Food rationing continued long after war's end. A friend stationed in England during WWII brought back a song of the times to do with a family mansion being foreclosed and home and contents being sold at auction. Kitchen staff were in the auction house and as each item went under the hammer there were sobs emanating from the crowd until they could no longer contain themselves and a cry went up which went like this:

"Don't sell the biby's (sic) chair - the one that we hold so dear -
You can sell old Grandfather's spittle (cuspidor) - but don't sell the chair with the hole in the middle.
'Twas knocked down for two shillings - and with it went many a tear.
'Til up stepped a "navvy" (stevedore) - a stout hearted "navvy" - and knocked down the auctioneer.
(Second chorus same as the first.)
tjs
Next -  Potpourri XII

Mistaken Identity

I am indebted to a loyal reader with a sense of humor for the following which I will paraphrase using the first person:
I walked into a bar and after a few drinks observed several "large" ladies chatting and their voices had a lyrical lilt. I asked "Are you ladies from Ireland?" They shot back "No, WALES, you friggan idiot!" I then asked "Are you WHALES from Ireland?" And that's the last thing I remember. When I came to I figured it could have been worse - they might have been a couple of hookers after my AMEX platinum card which is what happened to that Philadelphia weatherman in Miami some months ago. Funny, I always thought I had a good ear for accents.
tjs
Next -Reality TV

Creditworthy, Anyone?

Apropos of our recent comment on the emphasis on credit score when dating, I just received a credit card application from an airline who shall remain nameless. I always read the fine print re "interest rate" before deep sixing it. Here is how they explain their "introductory" APR interest rate: (better sit down) "15.99% or 24.99% when you open your account, based on your CREDITWORTHINESS." Wow!  25% interest is so usurious it would make Shylock blush.  And make the late Andy Rooney rant. And it takes my breath away so as to render me speechless. Always take the time to read the fine print.
tjs -
Next - Mistaken Identity

The Dating Game

When I was young the biggest impediment to establishing a relationship was geography. When one partner lived in another state it became a deal breaker. Particularly in the 1970s when we had two gasoline shortages. When my parents were courting - circa 1920 - they lived within five blocks of each other and could walk to each other's home. Now I read where some young people ask for the credit score on the first date. They are going by the numbers ..........what happened to romance? In my day my biggest concern was the number of credit cards in her wallet. How times have changed.
tjs
Next -Creditworthy, Anyone?

Potpourri XI

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

Before we let 2012 slip away we should note the following irony concerning Elizabeth Warren. As an advocate for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau she made enemies in the Banking Industry who lobbied to block her appointment as Director of the Bureau. So now she is the newly elected Senator from Massachusetts and will probably sit on the Senate Banking Committee where she can keep their feet to the fire. Be careful what you wish for, boys.

 Washington Politics has now become a spectator sport - they call it "kicking the can". But this was a game we played as kids in the urban streets seventy years ago. It seems apropos that they have adopted a children's game - and reached back that far - but, of course, the rules of the game have changed.
tjs
Next - TBA (Mon.)

The Morning After

I don't recall exactly when I became "turned off" by New Year's Eve.  It was possibly when Guy Lombardo died in 1977 and snuffed out our "auld acquaintance".  On January first the Bowl Games did little to improve my lethargy. And the next day - first day back in the office - was unbearably long - phones ringing with demanding callers - my colleague in his cubicle sipping buttermilk as his antidote for scotch. And then the bills began arriving for gifts bought in haste - followed by the IRS tax forms which arrived like clockwork - and were NEVER late. Then the weatherman with his forecast of "snow followed by little boys with sleds." Would January - the cruel month - never end!
At least there was no "social" media back then to splash any embarrassing pics on the network for the world to see. Back then you had to try to buy the Kodak negative. I  guess that is why they say "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". Ah, but help was on the way - February was on the horizon with its twenty-eight days, two paychecks, brighter mornings, Valentine's Day and Presidents weekend for you skiers. And the world kept turning slowly on its axis.
tjs
Next - Potpourri XI

Cliff Dwellers

As I sit on the precipice waiting to be pushed or shoved, two items arrived in the mail. On the plus side was the notice from SSA of a COLA increase of 1.7% reflecting a net of thirty dollars per month. On its heels was a notice from my landlord increasing my rent by thirty dollars per month or a dollar per day. They call that a "wash." So one would think that I am holding my own while waiting for the Congress to act. Harry Truman had what he called a "do nothing congress" but this current gang have outdone the do nothings. Where have all the statesmen/women gone? Anyway, if we do go over the cliff let's hope we all have a bungee cord to bounce back. Any year ending in 13 can't be lucky!
tjs
Next -The Dating Game