A Gnashing of Teeth II

                                                                 THE HIGHBALL

There is something they put in a highball, that awakens the torpidest brain -
That kindles a spark in the eyeball, gliding, singing thru vein after vein.
There is something they put in a highball, which you'll notice one day if you watch -
And it may be the soda, but judged by the odor, I rather believe it's the SCOTCH.

tjs
Next - Pseudonyms (Mon.)                                                                                                 (Ogden Nash)

Debating Season

We are approaching the season for Presidential debates and decisions will be made on the turn of a phrase, perhaps a gaffe or maybe a memorable moment.  During the primary debates in the Spring, in all but one the audience was permitted to respond but there was one session where silence prevailed and the effect on the viewer was vastly different. In 1960 during Nixon vs Kennedy, if you listened on the radio you might have thought that Nixon had won but a TV viewer might have had the opposite opinion. There have been memorable moments - as when Bush 41 looked at his wristwatch or in 1988 when Lloyd Bentsen skewered poor Dan Quayle. So stay tuned - the first debate is Wednesday, October 3rd - I wouldn't miss it.
tjs
Next - A Gnashing of teeth II

United Nations

The U.N. is in town this week with some nations more united than others and except for the usual traffic gridlock that this event produces, Manhattan handles it all in their normally efficient manner. And there have been memorable moments in the past: Nikita Khrushchev pounding his shoe on the desk in protest, Fidel Castro with chickens in the hotel rooms and Muammar Gaddafi approaching Donald Trump for real estate to pitch his tent. Then there was Adlai Stephenson, during the Cuban missile crisis, telling the Russian envoy he would wait "til Hell freezes over" for a reply. This was riveting theater in real time. When you consider the personalities and egos involved in the mix - and the seriousness of the issues, we might expect some quotable moments this week. And the folks who run Gotham won't miss a beat.
tjs
Next - Debating Season

The Vesper Club

The Philadelphia Daily News did a nostalgic article last week on the relocation of the venerable Vesper Club from its century old location on Sydenham Street to a location around the corner - a move that upset many of the old time members. This comfortable watering hole was created as a result of the Pennsylvania "Blue Laws" which decreed that all bars and pubs could not dispense on Sunday. So, unless you were esconced in a hotel, if you had a need to slake your thirst, you would need membership in a "private" club such as this. However, gaining membership was not easy as there was always a waiting list as I discovered when I applied.  Coincidentally, it so happened that my aunt's family physician was booked to sail to Ireland on the U.S. Lines S.S. AMERICA - the flagship of my employer at the time. My boss interceded with the passenger department to have Doctor and spouse placed on the "commend list" which entitled them to certain perks during the voyage i.e. the Captain's cocktail party and added attention from the stewards and pursers. The aforementioned physician was a Vesper Club member of long standing and - yada yada yada (as Seinfeld would say) I soon had my sought after membership and entertained clients in comfort on many occasions. There would be a Sunday brunch before Eagles games with buses to take guests to and from the game and for "afters" which could last into the evening. My guests were always amused by the sliding eye panel on the formidable front door reminiscent of speakeasy days.  Local politicians broke bread  there, deals were made on the tablecloths and friendships forged for a lifetime. It was a great era.
tjs
Next - Debating Season

The Balcony Scene

When I was promoted from Philadelphia to New York in 1975  - though it was only ninety miles - it was a world away with a dose of culture shock. Back then there was no such thing as Human Resources so I was on my own to move and find housing. Through a friend's referral I found a one bedroom rental apartment in Westchester County in a high rise overlooking the Hudson River and the Palisades. It was on the eighth (top) floor with a balcony and the sunsets were breathtaking. One day I received a phone call at work from the building manager. He said "When you come home tonight don't open your sliding glass doors to your balcony. A section of the roof border dislodged and took your balcony down with it." Very sobering words. Had it been a weekend it might have taken me down with it also. Returning home that night - sure enough - my balcony was gone with several flower pots and small furniture. Fortunately, no one was injured down below on the tarmac. There then ensued consultations with engineers, lawyers, insurance underwriters et al and the issue dragged on for weeks - I believe at reduced rental. As I was to be married in a few months I had to raise the awareness of these folks as I did not want to bring my bride back to this scenario. By and by they got repairs done and I had a new stronger balcony but now the issue was concrete dust. They offered artificial turf if I promised not to tell the neighbors. So in the nick of time I carried my bride across the threshold but it was hardly a balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
tjs
Next - The Vesper Club

A Gnashing of Teeth

                                                               THE MARTINI

There is something about a martini, an aura delightfully pleasant -
A yellow, a mellow martini - I wish that I had one at present -
There is something about a martini 'ere the dining and dancing begin -
But to tell you the truth - it is not the vermouth - I think that perhaps it's the gin.
tjs
PS - I think Dorothy Parker may have enjoyed this one - or two.
PPS - Tomorrow Sat. is first day of Autumn.
Next - The Balcony Scene (Mon.)

Currency Exchange

A friend of mine is traveling to Frankfurt, Germany for the Book Fair. It reminds me of a story going around some years ago when Germany was still on the Deutch Mark currency (pre Euro). A Japanese businessman made frequent trips to Frankfurt and each time when exchanging his Yen for DMarks, he received a lower exchange rate. Upon questioning it he was always told by the teller/cashier the reason was "FLUCTUATIONS". After several months of such explanation the visitor became visibly irritated and shouted out "FLUCT U GERMANS". But I don't think it damaged trade between the two nations.
tjs
Next - A Gnashing of Teeth

Floors, Please?

The other day I attended a reception at a conference center in a leafy suburb. After entering at street level I was directed to go DOWN to the reception area. The last time I took an elevator DOWN to my room was at the Hilton Hotel in Port of Spain, Trinidad. It was built on the side of a hill and they called it the "Upside down Hilton". I was there on holiday and scheduled to depart the day before the steel bands would be rehearsing for the Carnival Parade. The kind PANAM representative said it would be a shame to miss this activity and offered to put me up in their guest house overnight and fly out the following day. And so it was - the ESSO steel band and a dozen of its competitors - cavorting in the hot sun - with a bit of stimulation from Demon Rum - it was quite a sight to see and hear. And this was only the rehearsal! Esso is now Exxon and Panam is no longer with us but I can still hear echoes of the Caribbean. When serendipity comes your way grasp it and hold on  - you won't regret it.
tjs
Next - Currency Exchange

Class Reunion

In a few weeks I expect to attend my 65th high school reunion. I am anxious to see how many show up and are still ambulatory. In September 1943, with WWII having emptied the colleges, our high school entrance class was about 200 - all boys - and after eight years with the good nuns we were now exposed to the Christian Brothers. Freshman Algebra was taught by Brother Eugene who could be ornery and had a wooden clicker that he could use on your knuckles. Most of us feared him.
We were in a classroom with tall windows that opened from the top using a window pole. Early September was balmy and the instructor directed the boy on the aisle to lower the window. There was no response. The unfortunate lad we will call John Noce (no-cee). Again we heard "Boy, lower that window!" Again no action. Then "Son, what's your name?" Answer - "Noce, Brother" And the teacher then said "And you don't hear too well either, do you?" After seventy years I wonder if I will see friend Noce again and check his knuckles.
tjs
Next - A Matter of Taste II

Potpourri V

The comedienne Phyllis Diller died recently at age 95. She once said she stayed on the pill until 90 because she didn't want any more grandchildren.  Early in her career when on Groucho Marx show she commented that she had worn her wedding ring for eighteen years. Groucho replied "Two more payments and you'll own it." I never recall her getting bleeped.

I recently learned a new "word" - Q-TIP - a female family member has a beautiful white head of hair.
She calls herself a Q-TIP. As my pepper turns to salt I will soon join that membership of white heads.

I am fond of the limericks of Ogden Nash - and his puns may cause your teeth to gnash. I would like to share his "work" on a week to week basis - perhaps in the area of the Friday Funnies.
tjs
Next - Beach Wedding (Mon.)

Blackouts

The mention of W.C. Fields reminded me of how vaudeville playbills were structured. There could be as many as eight acts with an intermission at the halfway mark. Usually, the first two acts were "silent" i.e. acrobats, jugglers or dog acts to allow the patrons to settle in their seats. Next might come a dance act, singer or baggy pants comedian. The headliner came on next to last. Except for the planned intermission there was down time between acts to change the scenery. During these brief lulls and in order to keep the audience in their seats, the house management would create what they called "Blackouts". Two comics would enter the stage from opposite wings, meet in the middle and the exchange might go something like this:
Q-Who was that lady I saw you with? A - That was no eyesore, that was my wife!
Q-Who was that lady I saw you with? A - That was no ladle, that was my knife.!
Q -Who was that flutie I saw you with? A - That was no flutie, that was my fife!
or for a change of pace -
Q-I heard your grandma was ill - did she kick the bucket? A-No, she just turned a little pale!

These jokes were as corny then as they are now but they did their best to keep the crowd in their seats. But they might have hastened the death of vaudeville.
tjs
Next - Potpourri V

My Little Chickadee.

In last Monday's NYTimes Andy Newman had a humorous article on W.C. Fields. In 1928 Fields was headlining the playbill at the Earl Carroll Theater in Manhattan. He had a canary that he used in his routine "An episode at the Dentist" wherein he faked pulling the canary out of a patient's heavy beard. But this day the canary got loose, flew into scenery and was stunned. In the audience were several members of the Humane Society who had Fields arrested and $500. bail was posted awaiting a trial. Meanwhile, the canary died while in the possession of the arresting officers. At the police station flash bulbs were popping creating smoke that might have affected the bird. Testimony and evidence was produced. The judge agreed with Fields and his lawyer and he left court a free man.
Old W.C. started out as a juggler and by 1928 he was a headliner making $5200. per week which was an astounding amount for the time. This before he became a star in Hollywood and met his match in Mae West.
tjs
Next - TBA

For the Birds

Last Thursday, as many of you were focused on the Charlotte Convention, you might have missed the following reported by the Washington Post  and date lined Moscow.  President Vladimir Putin, on his way to a conference in Vladivostok, stopped off at an Arctic peninsula, donned a flight suit, and flew a motorized hang glider while leading a flock of five Siberian cranes to their natural habitat. The birds had been raised in captivity and needed a leader to direct them. The article also stated that he wore a glove that looked like a beak - that old KGB trickster! A veritable aerial Pied Piper! And really quite a remarkable feat. (The story was amplified in the NYTimes yesterday Sept. 10th)
tjs
Next -TBA

Perspective

The ATM was one of those glass enclosed kiosks for security. As I exited with a fist full of twentys my  wife was waiting for me on the sidewalk. Unthinking, I began to peel off several greenbacks to facilitate her shopping expedition in full view of passing traffic and pedestrians. Now I know she was my wife and she knew she was my wife but what of all the passing traffic observing this financial transaction on the street corner? And there probably were elevated cameras recording this scene so that we may have made Action News that evening and who knows - perhaps going viral via You Tube. So the moral here might be "Gents, encourage your spouse to use that plastic."
tjs
Next -For the Birds