Gnashing of Teeth VIII

                                                     THE HIPPOPOTAMUS


Behold the hippopotamus - we laugh at how he looks to us.

And yet in moments dank and grim - I wonder how we look to him.

Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus - we really look all right to us.

And you no doubt delight the eye - of other hippopotami.

tjs
next - tba (Mon.)

Musical Chairs

Recent business news indicates that companies are changing CEOs like they change their underwear.
The New York Times new boss is ex the BBC - The Bank of England just appointed a Canadian to the top spot. And CNN is looking to an NBC alumnus to fill the corner office. This trend is not new as remember when Lee Iacocca jumped - or was pushed - from Ford to Chrysler. It reminds one of the Peter Allen song "Everything old is new again." Some years ago during a similar upheaval the joke went: When you went out to lunch you left word with the receptionist "If the boss calls, get his name."
tjs
Next - TBA

A Cross Word

The N.Y. Times Crossword Puzzle occasionally resorts to puns. A clue on 11/22/12 puzzle read "Evidence of longshoremen without antiperspirant?" (nine letters) - After much "sweating" I found the answer as "B.O. on docks" or Boondocks. Now, I have come in contact with many longshoremen over the years and fastidiousness was not in their lexicon. When I was a gofer - circa 1950 - I was sent aboard one of our vessels to deliver a message to the Bosun (boatswain). In those days the crew numbered fifty with all the unlicensed members billeted forward in the forecastle - four to a room with maybe one porthole for ventilation.  When I wandered into that area the aroma that hit me could never be quelched with antiperspirant. And after sixty-two years I can still recall the experience. Please pass the Old Spice.
tjs
Next - TBA

Potpourri IX

I read where an enterprising fellow of Indian extraction plans to open the first Playboy Club in Goa, an island off the sub-continent. It has been established that the "girls" will wear bunny ears but their proposed attire is still being negotiated. Apparently they will be considered "hostesses" and not waitresses. In the beginning it is expected that the first wave of bunnies will be imported. Anyway, how can you do the "bunny dip" wearing a sari. Stay tuned.

Dateline Jerusalem - The Palestinian Authority announced it is expected to exhume the body of Yasir Arafat to check for poison. A Swiss lab detected traces of unusually high levels of a toxic isotope on some of his personal effects. French, Swiss and Russian teams will be testing later this month. He died in 2004 at age 75.

Position Open - The last prominent hostess in the Washington D.C. social circle was Susan Mary Alsop, wife of the late columnist  Joseph Alsop. She was preceded by Perle Mesta, (the Hostess with the Mostest) - after that there were Pamela Harriman and Katherine Graham. It appears there is a void now so polish up those resumes, purchase a home in Georgetown and send out those invitations.
(This routine seemed to work in Tampa, Florida)

Overworked word of the week = HUGE..........for emphasis it can be HUUUUGE - or as a certain TV anchor states HUGE,  HUGE.  It has now rivaled and overtaken Woody Allen's favorite GIGANTIC.

tjs
(Pausing now for Thanksgiving Holiday - will resume later this month)

Three and Out

As most football fans know, during last Sunday's NFL games, three teams' Quarterbacks suffered concussions and were removed from play. And the season is only half over. Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco suffered the loss of these key players. The "game" is becoming more violent. Linemen who used to weigh 200 pounds now tip the scales at 300 pounds and when several of these giants fall on you it takes its toll. This is compounded by the fact that one team was punished for encouraging a "bounty" to disable an  opponent's players. In the old Roman coliseum you might expect the score to be Lions 7 - Christians 0. With injuries mounting it will be only the lucky teams to arrive intact for January playoffs. Players today only play half the game. I recall the days when players such as Chuck Bednarik, Johnny Lujack, Doc Blanchard et al all played sixty minutes without injury. Today, despite weight rooms, improved equipment, training diets, etc we still see more injuries to these athletes. Let's see who is still standing at the end of January.
tjs
Next- TBA (Mon.)

I Love Velcro

As I get up in years, as the saying goes, I find myself attracted to this "device" for securing shoes and boots vice messing around with multiple laces. From whence did it come? The NY Times magazine (Pagan Kennedy) Sunday November 11th described its origin.  In 1941 a Swiss engineer returned from a hunting trip with burs clinging to his pants and his dog's coat.  Under a microscope he marveled at how they bristled with hooks shaped to grasp animal fur. He learned to mold nylon into fabric studded with tiny hooks that acted as artificial "cockleburs". And the rest is history - we now have a fastening device to rival the zipper. So, if my valet will please pass me my shoes................
tjs
Next -Three and Out.

River Cafe

Some years ago - circa early 1980s - I had the pleasure of dining on several occasions at the River Cafe. It is situated on a barge in the East River of Manhattan and under the Brooklyn Bridge with a breathtaking view of Manhattan after dark. This was not the average New York restaurant - rather it was a place to go to celebrate birthdays and to pop the question to your fiancee - and later celebrate wedding anniversaries. Like many establishments it was flooded by recent hurricane SANDY destroying not only food but many bottles of the most expensive wines. The owner, Michael O'Keeffe, is a traditionalist and requires jackets for men and will provide one if necessary but his rule is "If you come in and we have to dress you, then you won't sit in the first two rows." This place holds memories for many and I hope it reopens soon.
tjs
PS - Another tip is don't arrive chewing gum or wearing a medallion.
Next - I Love Velcro

Odd or Even

In the aftermath of SANDY, with the shortage of gasoline, New York City and parts of New Jersey have implemented the odd/even method of rationing fuel based on the last digit of your license plate. Zero has been designated as an even number which has mathematicians scratching their heads in debate. But if the numbers "nine" and "one" are odd, then "zero" had better be even. Back in the 1970s we had two gas shortages but neither caused by a storm and  the lines then were mostly orderly. Back then there were no "walk ups" carrying orange jerrycans as we see now and I have not read anywhere whether these orange "cans" carry an odd or an even designation absent a license plate. Perhaps they have to amend the rules. Our hearts go out to the citizens of those hard hit communities.
tjs
Next -River Cafe

Another year

Yesterday, November 11th - Veterans Day - I celebrated my 83rd birthday. A  woman once declared to my mother in a loud voice  in a crowded room "And I still have all my organs!" I was going to say that I just turned 83 but that would make me 38 again and since my son is 29 it might have raised a few eyebrows. It reminded me of a novelty song of bygone years titled "I'm my own Grandpa." - which you can listen to on YouTube - Homer & Jethroe have one rendition. Anyway, we kept the candle power at a low level so as not to set off the fire alarm sprinkler system which would irritate the landlord. Hoping to try for 84......................
tjs
Next - Odd or Even

Gnashing of Teeth VII

                                                               THE SWEETBREAD


That sweetbread gazing up at me - is not what it purports to be -

Says Webster in one paragraph - it is the pancreas of a calf.

Since it is neither sweet nor bread - I think I'll take a bun instead.

tjs

Next - Another year (Mon.)

The Perfect Wife

Last Sunday's edition of the NY Times magazine included an interview with Sen. Joe Lieberman in which he displayed a sense of humor I didn't know he possessed. It recalled a bit of humor submitted by an anonymous contributor which (paraphrasing) went as follows: In seeking a woman to become your spouse or significant companion, look for the following attributes:
-She must have a great personality.
-She must be a gourmet cook.
-She must be a good dancer.
-And she must be good in bed.

The only downside to this is you can never let these four women meet each other.
tjs
Next - Gnashing of Teeth VII

Election Lore (Special Edition)

USA Today reminds us of the old political adage that Republicans pray for rain on Presidential Election Days. Political scientists have studied that for every inch of rain the "R" turnout gains 2.5% so you might say it is a type of "natural" voter suppression. Baseball fans of a certain age may recall the 1948 Boston Braves with their two pitching aces - Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain - who propelled their team in its pennant drive. The slogan back then was "Spahn & Sain and pray for rain."
For with off days and rain days these two kept rotating to go 8-0 in a winning effort.

It is said that both parties have their lawyers in place particularly in the decisive swing states. Ever since the fiasco in Florida in 2000 there has been more attention paid to voter fraud, absentee ballots and other challenges resulting in a spurt of voter connected lawsuits. Jimmy Carter goes overseas to monitor the fairness of elections while back home we need to lay on a battery of lawyers.

"Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated." Will Rogers while twirling his lariat.

Wait a minute! I'm confused! Am I RED or am I BLUE? ....As Marrying Sam used to say to Lil Abner - "It's Confusin but amusin!" Or as confused as the Irishman who wrote the lyrics "Me father, he is ORANGE and me mother, she is GREEN." But every time I raise the Stars & Stripes on the flagpole - and leave it billow in the sun and wind - the RED and BLUE fade a little and I think of it more as a "blend". So may we scrap the "con" - and keep the "fusion".

As the old time boxing referees used to say "May the better man emerge triumphant!"
tjs

Election Day

Today November 6, 2012 is expected to be a historic Election Day. My namesake is on the Pennsylvania ballot - if he is elected I will have six more years of celebrity but if he is defeated and becomes a has-been then the baristas at Starbucks will ignore me. Fame is fleeting. My wife worked the phone bank at her party's local headquarters and only suffered one rejection which bodes well. In south Florida they are having eight hour lines and people's cars being towed by the local meanies. I was in Florida for the 2000 hanging chad fiasco and would hate to experience anything like that again. Anyway, please exercise your franchise and as we used to say in the 49th Ward  "Don't forget to pull that lever."
tjs
Next - Election Lore

Our Feathered Friends

The NY Times Friday November 2nd by Alan Cowell - a fascinating story about the use of carrier pigeons during wartime. A homeowner in Surrey, England circa 1980 while redoing his chimney found the remains of a carrier pigeon with a scarlet capsule attached to its leg. Inside the capsule was a coded message which was sent to British decoders who have not commented so far. The finding was on the route between Normandy, France and Field Marshal Montgomery's headquarters. The tale speaks to animal heroism - the British award the Dickin Medal, the highest decoration for animal bravery which has been awarded to 64 feathered, furry or four legged creatures - including 32 pigeons - since 1943 making birds the bravest of the brave. So if ever a pigeon's cooings or droppings should irritate you, bear in mind that his ancestor may have been a war hero.
tjs
Next -Election Day

Gnashing of Teeth VI

                                                                  THE SHAD

I'm sure that Europe never had - a fish as tasty as the Shad.

Some people greet the Shad with groans - complaining of its countless bones.

I claim the bones teach table poise - and separate the men from boys.

The Shad must be dissected subtle-ly - besides, the roe is boneless, utterly.

tjs
PS - Some years ago we lived in Westchester County N.Y. on the banks of the Hudson River. One spring day I noticed a silver stripe down the middle of the river. Upon closer inspection it was the "shad run" - hundreds of fish jumping and heading upstream to spawn north of the Tappan Zee Bridge. It was a remarkable sight.
Next - TBA (Mon.)

O-H-I-O

This year's presidential election is expected to be the tightest since Gore-Bush. I keep reading that OHIO with its 18 electoral votes may be the deciding factor. I visited there once - in Cincinnati - which is in the south bordering Kentucky and quite different from Cleveland in the north on Lake Erie. So the good Buckeye folks hold our fate in their hands - and votes. In 1952 I recall visiting Sen. Robert Taft's campaign headquarters in the Benjamin Franklin Hotel in Philadelphia. He had a band playing the Ohio State fight song and the place was lively - but he was up against Dwight D. Eisenhower  - and had no chance at the brass ring. There was a song written about OHIO from the show "Wonderful Town" with lyrics by Comden & Green. The last lines go "Why-oh, why-oh, did I ever leave Ohio - maybe I'd better go home." I loved the rendition by Doris Day at a very slow tempo. - which is available on the Internet. And if you are a real Buckeye fan you can send the music as a ringtone to your cellphone. So we will hold our collective breaths until the polls close in O-H-I-O - and expect we will be back on Standard Time by then.
tjs
Next - TBA