Current Currency

Recently, a couple of "wise guys" went pub crawling in Greenwich Village. At the first stop one paid for drinks with a crisp twenty dollar bill. Presumably, he pocketed the change for he paid for the second round with a new twenty. An off-duty seasoned bartender observed this unusual transaction and grew suspicious as to the validity of the currency. At the second stop he alerted the bouncer who turned them away. By the third watering hole the police had arrived  and one "wise guy" had $480. in his underwear. Coincidentally, there is a movement afoot to replace Andrew Jackson's portrait on the twenty with the face of a prominent deceased woman i.e. Eleanor Roosevelt or Rosa Parks, etc. As info the Canadian dollar coin has the likeness of the loon. All things considered it has not been a good week for Old Hickory. From ignominy to oblivion!
tjs

Changing Times

There has been a transformation in the world of "retail" in that a customer is now called a "guest". With so many buying on line a store merchant values every person walking through the door. It seems the practice began with Disney when they opened Disneyland in 1955. I guess they will also expect us to behave like guests i.e. no littering or shoving in the checkout line.  In the old days in Havana every clothing store had a complimentary rum bar in the rear of the store. But I don't think that is what Walt Disney had in mind.
tjs

A Steady Hand

When you purchase your airline ticket you are not informed of the identity of the pilot, his or her experience or air miles. It never enters your mind. On a rare occasion I was met at the cabin door by the pilot with his gray hair, steely blue eyes and wearing his four stripe epaulets on his shoulder. If he was loquacious he might give you a travelogue when passing the Grand Canyon. All of which was reassuring. But back in 1850/1860 Clipper ships were sailing from New York's East River piers to San Francisco via Cape Horn. The one with the fastest transit time would attract the cargo. They all advertised with "ship cards"
which mentioned the ship's name and that of the Captain. i.e.-
DREADNOUGHT - William Cushing, Commander - Pier 11 East River.
You knew whose steady hand was on the wheel.
tjs

Geriatrics

When the nurse entered the hospital room she found the elderly gent fully clothed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.
She explained the hospital rules that all released patients must be escorted to the exit in a wheel chair. While he protested that he did not need such assistance she was insistent. Going down in the elevator she asked him if his wife was waiting outside. He replied "No, she is back in her room taking a shower."
tjs

A Bitter Fruit

The Super Storm Sandy damaged many properties in New York and New Jersey including a maraschino cherry processing plant in Red Hook (aptly named) Brooklyn. This sweet garnish is what you see in your Old Fashioned or Manhattan or Shirley Temple. The only incident the owner had encountered in the past was local bees began turning red after feasting on the cherry liquid. But cherry liquid began seeping into the local water supply provoking a routine visit from the environmental folks who accidentally discovered a false basement growing marijuana hydroponically without soil. It wasn't Shirley Temple - it was Mary Jane! Being that this entrepreneur had received Sandy funds in high six figures, our watchdog government is proceeding with "clawback" recovery. What began as sweet cherries turned into sour grapes.
tjs

Potpourri 2015 VII

-A China airline made a successful flight from Shanghai to Beijing - 664 miles - using biofuel mixed with cooking oil from restaurants. They used a reliable Boeing 737 and did not issue parachutes to the 100 passengers.

-Sen. Ted Cruz announced he is running - he used Twitter for the news release. He will not reach me on Twitter and doubt such a glib person can confine his message within 140 characters.

-In the wake of hurricane Sandy, one proposal in New York is to "beef" up the coastal ecosystem by growing mussel beds which can weaken incoming waves. Ah, that Belgian delight, steamed mussels and brown bread.

-The "hottest" commodity in New York right now is asphalt to fill potholes - I mean really hot - 300 Fah.

-".....and there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth" Matthew 8:12 as the subway fare increases by 25 cents this week in NYC.
tjs

March Sadness

Last November sixty-eight teams prepared for their basketball season each seeking the Holy Grail - The Final Four in March. The past weekend featured many upsets - buzzer beaters - with five games ending with one point the difference between victory and defeat. But it is a tournament where losers go home and after yesterday there are fifty-two losers and that's the sad part. But we now embrace the remaining "sweet sixteen" and as cream rises to the top we should expect exciting match-ups down the stretch. My bracket is broken but my enthusiasm is intact. Let's see if anyone can slay the Blue Giant and cut down the nets.
tjs

Spring Equinox

Today we celebrate the first day of Spring with a four inch snowfall. However, March Madness is an indoor sport so we are in for non-stop "hoops" all weekend. Put a "do not disturb" sign on the doorknob and have enough chip & dip to last thru Sunday. It's a grueling tournament and you hope your team is peaking at the right time. So, let the games begin. At the old Madison Square Garden - on fight night - Harry Balogh the ring announcer, wearing his rented tuxedo, would step to the microphone and announce in his Brooklynese "And may the more worthy adversary emerge triumphant!"
tjs

How Now Dow Jones

Now that we have the swallows nested it is time to review our own nest eggs. The Dow Jones Index of thirty stocks is supposed to represent a cross section of our top companies. But the makeup can change with the times. There was a time when U.S. Steel was king and they are long gone. Now, today, an old stalwart favorite of widows, AT&T is exiting the group to make room for APPLE (AAPL) - out with the old - in with the new. Some experts think the newcomer, being more active than old Ma Bell, may cause more fluctuations in the Index. But we can always stock up on sedatives and I did send my laundry out.
tjs

Bird Watching

Tomorrow, March 19th is the feast day of St. Joseph and as I had three members of my family in the religious order of the Sisters of St. Joseph, it was a prominent day on the school schedule. It is also the day that the swallows come back to Capistrano - to the old mission in Southern California - from their winter home in Argentina. A recent innovation to welcome them is a vocalization project involving speakers playing swallow courtship songs. The speakers are hidden behind a statue of Fr. Junipero Serra. A song commemorating their arrival - "When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano" - was written in 1940 and recorded by the Ink Spots, Glenn Miller and others. Ger your iPhone cameras ready for tomorrow.
tjs

'Tis the Season

'Tis the Season indeed! It must be St. Patrick's Day as the Chicago River is running green. Daylight Saving Time - yes, unfortunately! March Madness? But of course - get to work on those brackets. But what it really is is Pothole Season. As a senior I usually drive in the right curb lane - where most of the pitfalls are. Honda regularly inquires whether I want an alignment. I need an alignment on my spine! Last year New York City filled 500,000 potholes - that will put a dent in your budget. And Staten Island started to put a Garden Gnome in the hole and photo it with date to check how long a wait. They call him Pothole Paulie - sounds like a Soprano!

tjs

Easter Duty

The Lenten season is a time when some arrange to perform their Easter duty. Our friend Brendan lived on an island off Cape Cod and every year he took the ferry to the mainland for this purpose. When suddenly the ferry service was suspended he was missing in action. Eventually, a priest friend found him and remarked that he had been missed. Brendan blamed the absence of the ferry for his absence. The padre reminded him that there was air service from the island. Said Brendan - "Air service! Father, for venial sins it's too expensive and for mortal sins it's too dangerous!"
tjs

Straight Shooters

According to the Associated Press there is a nationwide shortage of the type of drugs needed for lethal injections of those prisoners on death row. If such shortage persists the state of Utah will bring back the firing squad which will be a bit messy. The only things I know about firing squads are that they do not stand in a circle and the chamber of one rifle is empty so each shooter can absolve themselves of any guilt. The state legislature has given approval and we are waiting for the governor's decision. You may want to change that ski vacation from Utah to Colorado. Hope this doesn't spoil your weekend.
tjs

Hold Your Horses

The old vaudevillian would toss out this riddle: "How do you get down from a horse?" Answer - You don't - you get down from a goose! But a certain unbeliever stole into a nearby farm and cut the mane and tail from a stabled horse. I could have told him that goose down would make a softer pillow. At last report, Mr. Scissorhands was still on the loose so keep that barn door locked. This was either a hair raising event or a harebrained adventure. You decide.
tjs

Watch Out!

A prominent tech company unveiled their latest gadget this week - the Smart Watch. Worn on the left wrist it appears to be designed for right-handed people. As a precedent, Dick Tracy's two-way wrist radio appeared in 1946 nine years before Steve J. was born. Of all the bells and whistles offered I particularly liked this one - "The watch sends reminders if you have been sitting too long." Now I do some of my best thinking - and drinking - while sitting down. When I worked in the Post Office at Christmas sorting mail they kept the rest rooms extremely cold as they didn't want you sitting too long. Two different points of view. Anyway, I think I'll keep my hour glass for that three minute egg.
tjs

Wearin' o' the Green

As we are within the octave of St. Patrick's Day we should expect some Irish stories -some even true -  to wit: Thomas "Tip" O'Neill, the powerful Speaker of The House of Representatives, on a trip to Ireland went to visit the town of his ancestors. At the time they were building a new hospital and asked if he would like to contribute to the building fund. He wrote them a check for $5,000. but the next day the local paper's headline was that this visiting son of Erin had donated $50,000. They apologized for the typo but the deed was done. O'Neill asked that they return his check and they feared the worst. He asked how much they needed to complete the project and they said $50,000. He then signed a check for $50,000. with a caveat that he be permitted to supply the motto to be inscribed over the hospital entrance. They hastily agreed and inquired what the message would be. It was to read "I WAS A STRANGER AND YOU TOOK ME IN".
tjs

Longevity

The oldest person in the world is a woman in Japan who turned 117 last week. That's a lot of candle power! Her secret seems simple - eat sushi and get a good night's sleep. Of course, she has been widowed for 85 of those years which means she didn't have a husband to make demands on her which that alone should have reduced her stress level. It somewhat reminded me of my mother's friend of long ago who proclaimed to all within earshot "And I still have all my organs!"(Yikes!) I don't think I want to match this Guinness record and outlive my money and besides, I really don't care for sushi.
tjs

The Big Top

Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey have announced their intention to phase out the elephant from the circus as of 2018. This news will break the hearts of countless red-blooded American kids as the elephant has always been the symbol of the circus. They say they are fed up defending lawsuits from humane societies. They currently house 42 pachyderms at their farm in central Florida. The youngest is Mike age 2 with the oldest Mysore age 69. To reach that lofty level it sure doesn't seem old Mysore received any abuse. They also have a 6 year old named Barack who must have been born when our Prez. was elected although POTUS might not be that pleased since the elephant is the symbol of the opposing party. And this announcement puts all the "mahouts" in the unemployment line.
tjs

Potpourri 2015-VI

The month of March has become so busy what with St. Patty's Day and the March Madness that the Final Four has fallen into April.  Perhaps losing that hour this weekend may have affected the problem.

The other day I saw my first robin redbreast pecking around in the snow - it was February 28th. All nesting material was still under cover. Don't know who sent him/her north so early but perhaps - like Humphrey Bogart - he was misinformed.

As I walked down the sidewalk on an errand I passed a man standing against the wall speaking on his cellphone. I could just pick up a snippet of his conversation i.e. "So you won't have to pay any alimony." On my return he was still on his phone and I was tempted to ask him for directions or borrow a match but I thought better of it. He seemed to have his plate full.
tjs

Don't Fence Me In

Baseball is supposed to be the National Pastime but it is the only game where all teams do not play on an equal playing field. With thirty plus teams you have thirty stadiums all with different dimensions. The park in Philadelphia has been deemed a "bandbox" by some. The old Polo Grounds where Willie Mays roamed was 483 feet to dead center field when he made his famous over the shoulder catch on Vic Wertz. Now we read that the New York METS will be bringing in the right center field fence eleven feet better to suit their sluggers for it is Home Runs that put people in the seats. There is precedent for this as in 1947 the Pittsburgh Pirates brought their left field fence in thirty feet to welcome Hank Greenberg back from WWII - the press called the area Greenberg Gardens  - and later "Kiner's Korner" for slugger Ralph Kiner. So let the games begin!
tjs

Cunard's Old Queens

During current discussions of the SS UNITED STATES future and the possibility of moving her, several engineer types mentioned the old Cunard Queens which were used as troopships during WWII. RMS QUEEN ELIZABETH - right out of the yard - was a troop ship from 1940/1946 carrying 750,000 troops over 500,000 miles outracing U-Boats. After 1942 she began to carry U.S. soldiers to Europe. Her passenger capacity was 2283 +1000 crew but the need was to carry 16,000 men + gear, etc. Cunard's berth was at Pier 90 (West 50th St.) on the Hudson. With the additional weight and draft there was some concern about clearing the Hudson River tunnels and author David F. Hutchings wrote that the troops were instructed to remain in their cabins until the ship had cleared the harbor as they feared that a rush to the port side rail to say goodbye to Manhattan might create a list and deepen the draft. Who would have thought?
tjs

Potpourri V

March came in yesterday like an angry, roaring lion with nary a bleating lamb in sight. The recent weather pattern has even confused our four legged friends. But not as much as they might be confused this weekend when we spring forward with our clocks. The creatures who normally crossed the road at 0600 will encounter motorists who think it is 0700 and you know the rest. Having lived in Florida I know that those armadillos don't move too fast. Watch out for that deer in the headlights.

The recent spate of cold weather has had me cooped up so that I could not visit my barber. To quote the Old Vaudevillian "I had better get a haircut or buy a violin."
I hope my Jewish friends will appreciate the New Yorker cartoon depicting a gentleman in a large black felt hat on his cellphone saying "If you need anything from me I will be available 24/6."
tjs