DEE DAY

The Googler has just reminded me that today I am "posting" number 500 - which in Super Bowl Speak would rate a "D" - although I was hoping for at least a B Plus.  At this milestone I will now place "BLOG" in idle status over the holidays and attempt to resume after the New Year. I hope I have provided a few smiles or chuckles or perhaps an occasional blast from the past along the way to make your day brighter. And I appreciate your loyal readership - all writers appreciate feedback. Here's wishing you and yours a Happy Christmas and let's remember all our friends and neighbors who are still suffering along the Jersey Coast. See you in January. And a Happy New Year!
tjs
Next - 2013

Spell Check

A few years ago, before I had a SPAM filter in place, I began receiving a spate of  Emails  - believed from Canada - promoting penile enhancement. They promised no weights or other indignities in their program. Their tease referred to "size" and preyed on ones self esteem, manhood and peer pressure. Then one day a message arrived  referring to PENAL enhancement! These S.O.B.s were PENALIZING me for perceived anatomical shortcomings. If they couldn't spell it they shouldn't sell it! Soon  I had my SPAM filter in place and no more intrusions from north of the border. And at age 83 who needs them when both Cialis and Viagra are vying for the business.
tjs
Next - DEE DAY

Silent Night

"Silent Night" the Christmas carol was first performed in 1818 in a church in Austria. The melody was written by a local village organist to guitar accompaniment. Legend has it that the organ was broken and song was performed only with guitar. Which brings me to the current - Charlie Byrd's CD of eighteen Christmas songs on solo guitar with no accompaniment - just pure Byrd recorded in 1980.
I met the man around that time on a rustic beach in Dewey Beach, Delaware where he was sitting on a cottage porch strumming away wearing a three day beard. His handshake was very soft similar to a surgeon's. Around that time he and his wife were active playing around Annapolis, Maryland and the Washington D.C. area. A nice rendition.
tjs
Next - Spell Check

Sequestration

Sequestration is a fancy name for austerity thrust upon the tax payers known as the "fiscal cliff". This is not going off the cliff the way Thelma & Louise did in their blue convertible. This cliff would mean cutbacks across the board - and lots of government jobs lost. Department of Homeland Security alone could begin eliminating about 24,500 jobs - 11% of work force. The Transportation Security Administration who screen us at the airport could have to cut 7,240 security officers lengthening screening lines. The acronym for T.S.A. is "Thousands Standing Around" so maybe such possible cuts might not slow down the lines after all.  On a personal note I have switched from shoelaces to velcro.
tjs (Above data from NYT 12/11/12 by Ron Nixon)
Next -Silent Night

Punny or Funny IX

A dentist and a manicurist married - they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a ...dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist....you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name....and a dress.

You are stuck with your debt if...you can't budge it.

Local area network in Australia...The LAN down under.

tjs
Next - Sequestration (Mon.)

Potpourri X

Lunacy! - Datelined Washington D.C. via Associated Press - "The word "lunatic" will be stricken from Federal law under legislation that passed the House on December 5th. - The latest effort to remove language that is considered either outdated or demeaning." So Congress really was working last week. (There was one "no" vote.)

I just read where bedbugs are appearing in library books. Apparently some people still read in bed and then return books to the library for further "circulation".........That should keep me out of the reading room for quite a while.

A study out of Turkey indicates that poor oral hygiene can lead to Erectile Dysfunction. This should increase the sale of toothpaste and dental floss.

Bill Gates had a conversation with Steve Jobs in heaven. Gates asked "How are things up there?"
Jobs replied - "It's great  - there are no gates nor windows!"
tjs
Next - TBA

Hallowed Evening

I lost another friend this year. Eddie C. was 81,  lived in central New Jersey and died on October 31st at the height of the SANDY perfect storm.  All power was out but those great folks at Hospice had him well supplied with medication, etc.  - and he was at home.  Then the gasoline shortage prevented many from getting to his wake.  The aftermath prevented the funeral director from obtaining a burial permit so with further delay threatening, the family had him cremated - not how Eddie planned his exit. In the realm of trick or treat it seemed my friend was treated to a mean trick of fate. I can only imagine how many families in NJ/NY may have confronted a similar situation with an untimely death in the family. R.I.P.
tjs
PS - For Seniors - Further downer is the SSA rule that stipulates benefits are not payable for the month of death. By dying on the last day of October that means  the check received in November  must be returned. Bummer!
PPS - Today 12-12-12 - this type combination of numbers will NEVER occur again.
Next - TBA

Happy Hanukkah

For the very first time my wife prepared a Hanukkah meal - Hanukkah being the Jewish feast of Lights. There were potato pancakes (latkes) covered with sour cream and topped with smoked salmon, Very tasty. It's  funny that Tiffany, Saks, Lord & Taylor and Macy all spell the feast with an H - while Bloomingdale & Brooks Bros. spell it with a CH. 
A little Jewish lady went into the deli to buy some lox. The merchant was ready with his razor thin knife and began to slice. After two slices he asked "How much do you want?" Cut -cut she replied. After four slices he asked again. Again she said "Cut - cut" - when he reached slice six she said "I'll take that one!" Ouch.
tjs
Next - Hallowed Evening

Following Mr. Brown

In December 8th edition of the NY Times Emma G. Fitzsimmons writes of the current wave of porch thefts. No, they are not stealing porches but the thieves follow the UPS and Fedex trucks and steal packages left on the porch where nobody is at home. My yearly birthday delivery of wine usually arrives via either of these routings. The delivery man is instructed to "get a signature" and an added caveat is in the form of a label reading "Do NOT deliver to an intoxicated person!" Now, I was not aware that Mr. Brown came equipped with a breathalyzer. Nevertheless, I always tried to be dry and suck a few mints and to date have not been rejected. So be forewarned.
tjs
Next - Happy Hanukkah

Punny or Funny VIII

Sensing that you readers are tired of gnashing your teeth every Friday, I am submitting a different set of puns to PUNish you for tuning in (received from a friend who is taxing our friendship):

-To write with a broken pencil is.... pointless.

-When fish are in schools they sometimes ....take debate.

-A thief who stole a calendar....got twelve months.

-When the smog lifts in Los Angeles...UCLA.

-The Professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes...was on shaky ground.

-The batteries were given out ...free of charge.
 tjs
Next - TBA (Mon)

Mayan Calendar

We have it on good authority that the World will NOT end on December 21, 2012 when a 5,125 year cycle in the Mayan calendar comes to an end.  That date does represent the Winter Solstice when Pagans frolic and celebrate the sun finally starting back north. (or we going south). But many folks in rural Russia did not get the memo. (Russia has nine time zones) There has been some panic buying of candles and matches to provide light when the world goes dark. Last week. Russia's government decided to put an end to the doomsday talk. A Patriarch in the Ukraine church assured the faithful that "doomsday is sure to come - but not at the end of the Mayan calendar." Meanwhile, in Mexico, the Mayan population are planning a cultural festival on December 21st to show that all will be well after that. (For more see Ellen Barry's article NYTimes Sunday Dec. 2, 2012)
tjs
Next -TBA

Pontiff Tweets

It's official. The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI has embraced social media and would begin posting messages on Twitter next week under "handle" @pontifex which is a Latin term for bridge builder. (see NYTimes 12/4/12) A Vatican adviser "advised" "Just don't expect the Pope to start following you on Twitter or retweeting your posts. He won't follow anyone - he will be followed." Asked whether the Pope's posts would be infallible, a Vatican representative laughed and said they should be considered "pearls of wisdom." His first tweet will be on that magic date 12-12-12 which is the date of his next general audience and has no mystical significance.
tjs
Next - Mayan Calendar

Driver Education

About sixty years ago I applied for my first learner's permit/driver's license in Pennsylvania. The tests were administered by the State Police who were hard as nails. Moreover, I had to do my "learning" on a "stick shift" i.e. manual transmission auto - and I stalled a lot - and I flunked the first time around. The operator's manual dictated that you should place your hands on the steering wheel in the ten o'clock/four o'clock positions to facilitate turning. But today's generation never learned to tell time when the big hand was on ten and the little hand was on four. In this digital age I wonder what the driver's ed people tell the applicants who never heard of a ten o'clock position. Probably, their admonitions would now include: no cellphone use or texting while driving, keep the coffee cup in its receptacle, etc. And before we had automatic turn signals we used our hands to signal a turn - but no fingers, please. Now we have GPS to tell us when and where to turn and soon with robots driving for us we can have both hands - or thumbs - free to turn the kindle pages.
tjs
Next - TBA

Culture Differences

The foreign exchanges outlined in "Musical Chairs" brought to mind the following: Some years ago in New York City it appeared that every executive wanted a British secretary. Their diction was impeccable and it became a status symbol to have such a voice answer the phone. One day a caller asked to speak to Mr. Executive and was told in a trained voice "I'm sorry he is not in - he has gone to the United Kingdom." There was a pause on the caller end who said "I'm sorry - is it too late to send flowers?" Then there was that madcap fellow in the New York office who when there was a lull in the action would dial up (yes, the phones had dials) Air France to hear that lovely voice saying "Aire Franze,, Suzie speaking". He fell in love every day but ended up marrying an Irish lass.  During the 1950s we shipped considerable grain to Germany under an early A.I.D. arrangement. The volume was such that we hired a German - Heinrich von ___ - who had connections in Washington,, D.C. to make the way smooth. One day my friend Jack came back to the office after a three martini lunch and passed the new hire in the hallway. I was told that my friend stopped, clicked his heels and gave a  "sig heil" salute to our grain ennabler. This was definitely bad form and poor Jack was on the next train to Baltimore in exile. It was early in the post WWII period and wounds were still raw. But any salesman worth his salt knows NOT to return to the office after three martinis. (And this was well before the MAD MEN era.)
tjs
Next - Driver Education

Gnashing of Teeth VIII

                                                     THE HIPPOPOTAMUS


Behold the hippopotamus - we laugh at how he looks to us.

And yet in moments dank and grim - I wonder how we look to him.

Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus - we really look all right to us.

And you no doubt delight the eye - of other hippopotami.

tjs
next - tba (Mon.)

Musical Chairs

Recent business news indicates that companies are changing CEOs like they change their underwear.
The New York Times new boss is ex the BBC - The Bank of England just appointed a Canadian to the top spot. And CNN is looking to an NBC alumnus to fill the corner office. This trend is not new as remember when Lee Iacocca jumped - or was pushed - from Ford to Chrysler. It reminds one of the Peter Allen song "Everything old is new again." Some years ago during a similar upheaval the joke went: When you went out to lunch you left word with the receptionist "If the boss calls, get his name."
tjs
Next - TBA

A Cross Word

The N.Y. Times Crossword Puzzle occasionally resorts to puns. A clue on 11/22/12 puzzle read "Evidence of longshoremen without antiperspirant?" (nine letters) - After much "sweating" I found the answer as "B.O. on docks" or Boondocks. Now, I have come in contact with many longshoremen over the years and fastidiousness was not in their lexicon. When I was a gofer - circa 1950 - I was sent aboard one of our vessels to deliver a message to the Bosun (boatswain). In those days the crew numbered fifty with all the unlicensed members billeted forward in the forecastle - four to a room with maybe one porthole for ventilation.  When I wandered into that area the aroma that hit me could never be quelched with antiperspirant. And after sixty-two years I can still recall the experience. Please pass the Old Spice.
tjs
Next - TBA

Potpourri IX

I read where an enterprising fellow of Indian extraction plans to open the first Playboy Club in Goa, an island off the sub-continent. It has been established that the "girls" will wear bunny ears but their proposed attire is still being negotiated. Apparently they will be considered "hostesses" and not waitresses. In the beginning it is expected that the first wave of bunnies will be imported. Anyway, how can you do the "bunny dip" wearing a sari. Stay tuned.

Dateline Jerusalem - The Palestinian Authority announced it is expected to exhume the body of Yasir Arafat to check for poison. A Swiss lab detected traces of unusually high levels of a toxic isotope on some of his personal effects. French, Swiss and Russian teams will be testing later this month. He died in 2004 at age 75.

Position Open - The last prominent hostess in the Washington D.C. social circle was Susan Mary Alsop, wife of the late columnist  Joseph Alsop. She was preceded by Perle Mesta, (the Hostess with the Mostest) - after that there were Pamela Harriman and Katherine Graham. It appears there is a void now so polish up those resumes, purchase a home in Georgetown and send out those invitations.
(This routine seemed to work in Tampa, Florida)

Overworked word of the week = HUGE..........for emphasis it can be HUUUUGE - or as a certain TV anchor states HUGE,  HUGE.  It has now rivaled and overtaken Woody Allen's favorite GIGANTIC.

tjs
(Pausing now for Thanksgiving Holiday - will resume later this month)

Three and Out

As most football fans know, during last Sunday's NFL games, three teams' Quarterbacks suffered concussions and were removed from play. And the season is only half over. Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco suffered the loss of these key players. The "game" is becoming more violent. Linemen who used to weigh 200 pounds now tip the scales at 300 pounds and when several of these giants fall on you it takes its toll. This is compounded by the fact that one team was punished for encouraging a "bounty" to disable an  opponent's players. In the old Roman coliseum you might expect the score to be Lions 7 - Christians 0. With injuries mounting it will be only the lucky teams to arrive intact for January playoffs. Players today only play half the game. I recall the days when players such as Chuck Bednarik, Johnny Lujack, Doc Blanchard et al all played sixty minutes without injury. Today, despite weight rooms, improved equipment, training diets, etc we still see more injuries to these athletes. Let's see who is still standing at the end of January.
tjs
Next- TBA (Mon.)

I Love Velcro

As I get up in years, as the saying goes, I find myself attracted to this "device" for securing shoes and boots vice messing around with multiple laces. From whence did it come? The NY Times magazine (Pagan Kennedy) Sunday November 11th described its origin.  In 1941 a Swiss engineer returned from a hunting trip with burs clinging to his pants and his dog's coat.  Under a microscope he marveled at how they bristled with hooks shaped to grasp animal fur. He learned to mold nylon into fabric studded with tiny hooks that acted as artificial "cockleburs". And the rest is history - we now have a fastening device to rival the zipper. So, if my valet will please pass me my shoes................
tjs
Next -Three and Out.

River Cafe

Some years ago - circa early 1980s - I had the pleasure of dining on several occasions at the River Cafe. It is situated on a barge in the East River of Manhattan and under the Brooklyn Bridge with a breathtaking view of Manhattan after dark. This was not the average New York restaurant - rather it was a place to go to celebrate birthdays and to pop the question to your fiancee - and later celebrate wedding anniversaries. Like many establishments it was flooded by recent hurricane SANDY destroying not only food but many bottles of the most expensive wines. The owner, Michael O'Keeffe, is a traditionalist and requires jackets for men and will provide one if necessary but his rule is "If you come in and we have to dress you, then you won't sit in the first two rows." This place holds memories for many and I hope it reopens soon.
tjs
PS - Another tip is don't arrive chewing gum or wearing a medallion.
Next - I Love Velcro

Odd or Even

In the aftermath of SANDY, with the shortage of gasoline, New York City and parts of New Jersey have implemented the odd/even method of rationing fuel based on the last digit of your license plate. Zero has been designated as an even number which has mathematicians scratching their heads in debate. But if the numbers "nine" and "one" are odd, then "zero" had better be even. Back in the 1970s we had two gas shortages but neither caused by a storm and  the lines then were mostly orderly. Back then there were no "walk ups" carrying orange jerrycans as we see now and I have not read anywhere whether these orange "cans" carry an odd or an even designation absent a license plate. Perhaps they have to amend the rules. Our hearts go out to the citizens of those hard hit communities.
tjs
Next -River Cafe

Another year

Yesterday, November 11th - Veterans Day - I celebrated my 83rd birthday. A  woman once declared to my mother in a loud voice  in a crowded room "And I still have all my organs!" I was going to say that I just turned 83 but that would make me 38 again and since my son is 29 it might have raised a few eyebrows. It reminded me of a novelty song of bygone years titled "I'm my own Grandpa." - which you can listen to on YouTube - Homer & Jethroe have one rendition. Anyway, we kept the candle power at a low level so as not to set off the fire alarm sprinkler system which would irritate the landlord. Hoping to try for 84......................
tjs
Next - Odd or Even

Gnashing of Teeth VII

                                                               THE SWEETBREAD


That sweetbread gazing up at me - is not what it purports to be -

Says Webster in one paragraph - it is the pancreas of a calf.

Since it is neither sweet nor bread - I think I'll take a bun instead.

tjs

Next - Another year (Mon.)

The Perfect Wife

Last Sunday's edition of the NY Times magazine included an interview with Sen. Joe Lieberman in which he displayed a sense of humor I didn't know he possessed. It recalled a bit of humor submitted by an anonymous contributor which (paraphrasing) went as follows: In seeking a woman to become your spouse or significant companion, look for the following attributes:
-She must have a great personality.
-She must be a gourmet cook.
-She must be a good dancer.
-And she must be good in bed.

The only downside to this is you can never let these four women meet each other.
tjs
Next - Gnashing of Teeth VII

Election Lore (Special Edition)

USA Today reminds us of the old political adage that Republicans pray for rain on Presidential Election Days. Political scientists have studied that for every inch of rain the "R" turnout gains 2.5% so you might say it is a type of "natural" voter suppression. Baseball fans of a certain age may recall the 1948 Boston Braves with their two pitching aces - Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain - who propelled their team in its pennant drive. The slogan back then was "Spahn & Sain and pray for rain."
For with off days and rain days these two kept rotating to go 8-0 in a winning effort.

It is said that both parties have their lawyers in place particularly in the decisive swing states. Ever since the fiasco in Florida in 2000 there has been more attention paid to voter fraud, absentee ballots and other challenges resulting in a spurt of voter connected lawsuits. Jimmy Carter goes overseas to monitor the fairness of elections while back home we need to lay on a battery of lawyers.

"Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated." Will Rogers while twirling his lariat.

Wait a minute! I'm confused! Am I RED or am I BLUE? ....As Marrying Sam used to say to Lil Abner - "It's Confusin but amusin!" Or as confused as the Irishman who wrote the lyrics "Me father, he is ORANGE and me mother, she is GREEN." But every time I raise the Stars & Stripes on the flagpole - and leave it billow in the sun and wind - the RED and BLUE fade a little and I think of it more as a "blend". So may we scrap the "con" - and keep the "fusion".

As the old time boxing referees used to say "May the better man emerge triumphant!"
tjs

Election Day

Today November 6, 2012 is expected to be a historic Election Day. My namesake is on the Pennsylvania ballot - if he is elected I will have six more years of celebrity but if he is defeated and becomes a has-been then the baristas at Starbucks will ignore me. Fame is fleeting. My wife worked the phone bank at her party's local headquarters and only suffered one rejection which bodes well. In south Florida they are having eight hour lines and people's cars being towed by the local meanies. I was in Florida for the 2000 hanging chad fiasco and would hate to experience anything like that again. Anyway, please exercise your franchise and as we used to say in the 49th Ward  "Don't forget to pull that lever."
tjs
Next - Election Lore

Our Feathered Friends

The NY Times Friday November 2nd by Alan Cowell - a fascinating story about the use of carrier pigeons during wartime. A homeowner in Surrey, England circa 1980 while redoing his chimney found the remains of a carrier pigeon with a scarlet capsule attached to its leg. Inside the capsule was a coded message which was sent to British decoders who have not commented so far. The finding was on the route between Normandy, France and Field Marshal Montgomery's headquarters. The tale speaks to animal heroism - the British award the Dickin Medal, the highest decoration for animal bravery which has been awarded to 64 feathered, furry or four legged creatures - including 32 pigeons - since 1943 making birds the bravest of the brave. So if ever a pigeon's cooings or droppings should irritate you, bear in mind that his ancestor may have been a war hero.
tjs
Next -Election Day

Gnashing of Teeth VI

                                                                  THE SHAD

I'm sure that Europe never had - a fish as tasty as the Shad.

Some people greet the Shad with groans - complaining of its countless bones.

I claim the bones teach table poise - and separate the men from boys.

The Shad must be dissected subtle-ly - besides, the roe is boneless, utterly.

tjs
PS - Some years ago we lived in Westchester County N.Y. on the banks of the Hudson River. One spring day I noticed a silver stripe down the middle of the river. Upon closer inspection it was the "shad run" - hundreds of fish jumping and heading upstream to spawn north of the Tappan Zee Bridge. It was a remarkable sight.
Next - TBA (Mon.)

O-H-I-O

This year's presidential election is expected to be the tightest since Gore-Bush. I keep reading that OHIO with its 18 electoral votes may be the deciding factor. I visited there once - in Cincinnati - which is in the south bordering Kentucky and quite different from Cleveland in the north on Lake Erie. So the good Buckeye folks hold our fate in their hands - and votes. In 1952 I recall visiting Sen. Robert Taft's campaign headquarters in the Benjamin Franklin Hotel in Philadelphia. He had a band playing the Ohio State fight song and the place was lively - but he was up against Dwight D. Eisenhower  - and had no chance at the brass ring. There was a song written about OHIO from the show "Wonderful Town" with lyrics by Comden & Green. The last lines go "Why-oh, why-oh, did I ever leave Ohio - maybe I'd better go home." I loved the rendition by Doris Day at a very slow tempo. - which is available on the Internet. And if you are a real Buckeye fan you can send the music as a ringtone to your cellphone. So we will hold our collective breaths until the polls close in O-H-I-O - and expect we will be back on Standard Time by then.
tjs
Next - TBA

The Storm

The Storm by Edvard Munch is on display at the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) in Manhattan. In the Munch painting the lights are still on in the house which was not the case last night for thousands of households during SANDY.  This SuperStorm affected an estimated fifty million people and should bring the subject of climate change to the forefront which was absent during recent debates. I was impressed with our civic leaders' performances as they gave up being politicians for the duration.
It was heartwarming to see ambulances from Indiana and electrical workers from Tennessee arriving in New Jersey. Lastly, it is sad to see the millions being spent by SuperPacs on negative political ads which monies could be better spent on disaster cleanup. I salute all the professionals involved in this extraordinary effort.
tjs

2nd Anniversary

Today, October 29th, this blog is two years old. When my journalist son got me hooked on it I thought it would help me keep my mind sharp while commenting on the passing parade, injecting a bit of humor and perhaps eliciting a chuckle of appreciation from an anonymous reader. A mid-west reader thought I could provide a "blast from the past". So after 475 postings and 17600 page views here we are. A few things have changed - the blogger is no longer in Florida, my son has left Chicago for New York and Andy Rooney is no longer with us. Tomorrow I intend to repeat the initial blog posting of Oct. 29, 2010 - "The Political Scene - 2010" - much of which is still relevant. If this aged item does not "pop up" then Google the title or check it on Facebook. And many thanks to you dedicated readers who think this is worth reading.
tjs
Next - The Political Scene - 2010
PS - Please stay safe during this current storm SANDY.

Gnashing of teeth V

                                                                      THE WASSAIL

Then here's to the heartening Wassail - wherever good fellows are found -

Be its master instead of its vassal - and order the glasses around.

For there's something they put in the Wassail - that prevents it from tasting like wicker -

Since it's not tapioca, or mustard or mocha - I'm forced to conclude it's the liquor.

tjs
(Couldn't hold this until Christmas)

Next -  2nd Anniversary (Mon.)

Potpourri VIII

Eyebrow raising phrase of the week - "Women in Binders" - as this has all the earmarks of an R rated issue and since this "blog" is intended for family consumption, I would rather not go there.

Military tutorial 101 - "The cavalry no longer needs horses" -( Barack Obama. ) - but they are still used for military parades and funerals and we had commandos on horseback in Afghanistan in 2001 so don't close the stable door yet.

"Politics is NOT Beanbag!" - Anonymous Pundit.

A club featuring "lap dances" was hauled into court for failure to pay State taxes. The club claimed that "lap dances" were "dramatic or musical arts performances" and should be exempt similar to the ballet. The judges disagreed but it was a 4-3 decision so perhaps several of the judges may have witnessed such performances of terpsichore.
tjs
Next - Gnashing of Teeth V

Miracles

The San Francisco Giants appear to be another team of destiny. Facing elimination they won three games in a row on the road in Cincinnati. They then found themselves down three games to one against the reigning champion St. Louis Cardinals and again won three in a row to advance to the World Series against the formidable Detroit Tigers beginning tonight. This is not the first of GIANT miracles. The other one occurred October 4, 1951 when Bobby Thomson hit the "shot heard around the world." It was also known as the "Miracle at Coogan's Bluff." - which was the nickname for the Polo Grounds - the home of the then New York Giants. Both GIANT teams' colors were/are orange & black - also the colors of Hallowe'en. The fans of this current team hope they will keep playing right up to the end of October as a Hallowe'en treat - but the menacing TIGERS may have some tricks awaiting them.
tjs
Next - TBA

Multi-tasking

The New York Marathon will be run on Sunday, November 4th. Sara Beck of the NYTimes writes about a unique entry - a 67 year old psychiatrist who will be juggling three "beanbag" type balls as he runs. Since he is both a jogger and a juggler - hence the description "joggler". He will be among the 47,000 participants vying for elbow space as they course over the Verrazano Bridge. Some jogglers have been known to balance five balls - but clubs or bowling pins are awkward and knives are discouraged. Also discouraged are those normal struggling runners who find the joggler running ahead of them. Our joggler does not plan to set any records and expect that his "time" will be much slower than that of a certain V.P. candidate.
tjs
Next -Miracles

Is the Doctor In?

One of the down sides to moving a distance is one loses one's medical professionals. My guru in Jacksonville, Florida was a fantastic diagnostician, good friend and always available. Now having re-located to the Lower Main Line of Pennsylvania I have encountered a surprising revelation. I have heard of several physicians altering their practices to a "boutique" or "concierge" arrangement where the patient now pays an annual "retainer" plus the pay as you go individual fees. The "retainer" is usually in four figures. It is supposed to reflect "personalized" care and you may even receive the professional's cell phone number as a perk. But I always thought the old fashioned way was also supposed to be "personalized". And my experience with a hotel concierge was always on the basis of a voluntary gratuity for services rendered. Now, THAT  might be an acceptable alternative. What say you, Doc?
tjs
PS - If you can't afford the "boutique" arrangement, we can all go to the E.R. and take a number as suggested on the campaign trail.
Next - Multi-tasking

Gnashing of Teeth IV

                                                               THE MINT JULEP

There is something about a MINT JULEP - it is nectar imbibed in a dream -

As fresh as the bud of the tulip - as cool as the bed of the stream -

There is something about a MINT JULEP - a fragrance beloved by the lucky -

And perhaps it's the tint, of the frost and the mint, but I think it was born in Kentucky.

tjs

Next -Is the Doctor In? (Mon.)

W-Hole Foods

I must confess I never worked in a bakery - I guess I never kneaded the dough. Since we moved back north we have grown fond of Trader Joe's  Tuscan Pane bread even with its slight aeration. But this week they have outdone themselves with ventilation. I guess every baker is entitled to a bad day once in a while. But as the Kingfish used to say "Holey Mackerel, Andy!"  Years ago they used to say "don't buy a new car  that was made on a Monday." It was called the Lordstown Syndrome after a factory in Ohio.  You baseball fans of a certain age may have heard of the Blacksox scandal - it was 1919 and the best player involved was Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Little boys were heard crying "Say it isn't so, Joe." But the game recovered and I will continue patronizing Trader JOE - but I might just scale the loaf after a little squeeze.
tjs
Next - Gnashing of Teeth IV

Potpourri VII

I was appalled at Mike Huckabee's description of our Vice President on recent debate. Huckabee was once a man of the cloth but it appears his cloth has frayed.

Quote of the week: "Lust is no crime!" D.S.K. Paris, France.

There is a prominent political candidate in our state who shares my name. When I enter the local coffee shop the barista greets me loudly by name causing heads to turn - some smiling - some scowling - but no autograph seeking at that hour of the morning. I have this recurring dream that I will create a stir at the local mall - but I draw the line at kissing babies.

Hallowe'en - If you are thinking of a Big Bird costume this year I hear they are in great demand and short supply. So you may have to revert to Plan B and think Elmo, Waldo or maybe Groucho.
tjs
Next - W-Hole Foods

Autumn Leaves

After two decades in Florida we are now back in the northeast in time for the flaming foliage and the crisp clear air. It reminded me of an old toast (somewhat risque) that I heard years ago that went something like this: "Here's to our first parents - Adam and Eve - who wore fig leaves - that's all - and here's to my favorite season - Autumn - when the leaves begin to fall." Mea maxima culpa!
tjs
Next -Potpourri VII

Airport Security

All of us, at one time or another, have suffered through the inconvenience of the security check- in line - belts and shoes off and a gentle pat down. Passengers with disabilities are ushered through express gates in their wheelchairs. A request for a wheel chair is granted without a "show cause." Some airline folks have noticed that when the lines grow long there is an increase in requests for wheelchairs. A case in point was a flight where six wheelchairs appeared at the departure gate. It was said that the airline wires ahead so that six "chairs" are provided at destination. On this flight two of the six remained unused at destination ramp so it would appear that several miracles occurred in the rarefied air at  thirty thousand feet. The truth is that selfishness lives on in our society.
tjs
Next - Autumn Leaves

Gnashing of Teeth III

                                                                  THE OLD FASHIONED

There is something about an Old Fashioned - that kindles a cardiac glow-

It is soothing and soft and impassioned - as a lyric by Swinburne or Poe.

There is something about an Old Fashioned - when dusk has enveloped the sky -

And it may be the ice, or the pineapple slice, but I strongly suspect it's the RYE.

tjs
Next - TBA (Mon.)

Potpourri VI

It isn't the cough that carries you off - it's the coffin they carry you off in. Must be time for those flu shots.

On November 1st, five days before our general election, there will be a global conference of world investors held in the Cayman Islands, a popular location for offshore investments. The keynote speaker has been announced as George W. Bush and the timing of this event should bring no joy to the R candidate.

Seen on a headboard of a Manhattan hotel "Everyone ought to have a Lower East Side in their life."

Blogger will be away celebrating Columbus Day weekend - expect to resume mid-week or thereabouts.
tjs

The Barnes Museum

The Barnes Art Museum recently moved from suburban Philadelphia to a new building location in center city. In so doing they have received an award from the U.S. Green Building Council for how they handled construction waste and landfill to warrant this highest environmental rating. The N.Y. Times reported that other "green" elements of this new museum include a " vegetated roof, wood flooring reclaimed from Coney Island's boardwalk and a system designed greatly to reduce potable water consumption." Friends who have visited the museum tell me that this latter "system" refers to the toilets. There have always been mixed opinions about the manner in which Barnes displayed his eclectic collection but I would like to witness it if nothing more than to visit the restrooms.
tjs
Next - Potpourri VI

Amnesty II

On July 19th we commented on the effort of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel to offer amnesty for the return of pilfered merchandise. They really didn't expect much recovery - it was more an effort to place the venerable landmark for attention by the social media. Anyway, the deadline for surrender of items has passed and the following have been turned in: one coffee pot, two butter knives, one fork and a coaster.  Other hotels have had amnesty programs. At the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. the most sought after souvenir was the brass plated plaque from room 871 which once housed a certain New York State governor entertaining a lady of the evening. I guess some folks liked those digits to play the trifecta at the local racetrack or perhaps a hot LOTTO hunch. (Update by James Barron NYT 9/27/12)
tjs
Next - The Barnes Museum

Bowled Over

Not having seen the New Yorker's latest cartoons I can only nominate as cartoon of the week "Bibi's Bomb", the one with the curly pigtail as a fuse. It resembles my old twelve pound bowling ball, the one with the three holes. In my prime I carried a 150 average - which with perfection considered as 300 - that meant I only "scored" fifty percent of the time - but at least higher than those 47% of the masses. My bowling career took place prior to automatic pinsetters. We had live pinboys in the pits and if you didn't play at a pace to suit them, they would bang the pins against the wall which was both intimidating and unnerving, which might have been Bibi's intention with his artwork. At least he didn't draw us a mushroom cloud. So, using  the jargon of the "alleys" I can only say "Bibi, don't STRIKE - SPARE us,!"
tjs
Next - Amnesty II

Pseudonyms

Jim Dwyer's "About New York" column last week (NYT) concerned an Albany staffer being reprimanded for using a fictitious name while defending an assemblyman on the Internet. This was a case of "sock puppetry" - a new word for your lexicon. Apparently the practice is widespread throughout the blogosphere. A British historian invented a nom  de plume to review his own work. Even Benjamin Franklin used several names in Poor Richard's Almanac. A New York individual created seventy-two identities to hold on line debates- and the list goes on and on. A friend of mine once signed his letters "Osgood Hooker"  more in playfulness than deception. And I must confess having succumbed on a few occasions. You see, my surname is as common as Chang in the Hong Kong directory and on several occasions I have lost restaurant reservations to imposters. My address in Yonkers, N.Y. at the time was on David Lane and henceforth I was Mr.  David Lane on the reservation book. When my "name" was called over the P.A. system I only hoped that none of my neighbors were in the crowd. How someone could remember seventy-two identities I will never understand since I sometimes forget what PIN I am using. That individual could make a fortune in Las Vegas counting cards.
tjs
Next - TBA

A Gnashing of Teeth II

                                                                 THE HIGHBALL

There is something they put in a highball, that awakens the torpidest brain -
That kindles a spark in the eyeball, gliding, singing thru vein after vein.
There is something they put in a highball, which you'll notice one day if you watch -
And it may be the soda, but judged by the odor, I rather believe it's the SCOTCH.

tjs
Next - Pseudonyms (Mon.)                                                                                                 (Ogden Nash)

Debating Season

We are approaching the season for Presidential debates and decisions will be made on the turn of a phrase, perhaps a gaffe or maybe a memorable moment.  During the primary debates in the Spring, in all but one the audience was permitted to respond but there was one session where silence prevailed and the effect on the viewer was vastly different. In 1960 during Nixon vs Kennedy, if you listened on the radio you might have thought that Nixon had won but a TV viewer might have had the opposite opinion. There have been memorable moments - as when Bush 41 looked at his wristwatch or in 1988 when Lloyd Bentsen skewered poor Dan Quayle. So stay tuned - the first debate is Wednesday, October 3rd - I wouldn't miss it.
tjs
Next - A Gnashing of teeth II