Flash Alert

I have just read that due to drought conditions in Texas there is a shortage of mistletoe this holiday season. Sorry to be the grinch who stole a kiss away. But they say mistletoe was just a type of parasite anyway.  Perhaps holly will do just fine - check overhead before you pucker up and let auld acquaintances be forgotten this New Year's Eve.
tjs

Christmas Greetings

On Christmas Eve we will be flying north to land in daylight before the FAA closes the north/south corridors to give Santa and sleigh and reindeer a wide berth. I hope he visits your home. I will be out of pocket until after the New Year. Here's wishing you and yours a blessed Christmas - look for me in January - and if you happen to be in Philadelphia on New Year's day don't miss the Mummers Parade.
tjs

The decline of political humor

Brian Lamb led a discussion on CSPAN regarding political speakers and their ability to inject humor into their campaigns. Back in 2008 the old Mitt Romney was running for the GOP nomination and stopped in at a St. Patrick's Day dinner in South Boston. The Massachusetts legislature had just recently enacted a bill on marriage and while Romney wanted to avoid a discussion on the subject, he could not. So he addressed this group of Southies "Well, I'm a Mormon and I believe that marriage is a union between a man and a woman -and a woman - and a woman." The Romney of today would never tell that story - and they blame it on the consultants. While Gov. Perry can joke about his gaffes the rest of them are dry.
When Abe Lincoln was confronted by a woman who called him "two-faced" he replied "Madam, if you think I had another face would I be wearing this one?" That's what is missing and they blame it on  the consultants.
tjs
P.S. Today December 22nd is the Winter Solstice when the pagans celebrate the shortest day and that the sun is now on its way north again.
Next - Christmas Greetings

Censored - or uncensored?

Is it time for a Rooney rant? Humor is getting edgier hand in hand with the loss of civility. I do not get HBO so I am spared the brunt of it. But on the networks I lose count of the bleeps from Jon Stewart and Bill Maher prides himself on being the first to utter "sucks" on TV. It is spawned in the "comedy" clubs where even the female "stand ups" are injecting rape into their acts in a frivolous way. It wasn't always this way. You had to be squeaky clean to get on Ed Sullivan's show. Even Sophie Tucker had to modify her blue material. Young talent like Cosby, Newhart and Allen were entertaining without shocking. Danny Thomas and Myron Cohen were story tellers and Sam Levenson the school teacher was homespun. Earlier, we thought Lenny Bruce was outrageous but his material was more anti-establishment than vulgar. And my earliest recollection of censorship was when NBC bleeped Jack Paar for using the term "W.C." i.e. water closet! Paar walked off the set that night in protest and it took NBC weeks to lure him back. We have come a long way - I wish I could say forward.
tjs
Next - The decline of political humor

Word-Smith

NPR recently had a discussion with a language reporter for the Boston Globe. His opinion of the most used word in 2011 was "occupy" - as in Occupy Wall Street or any other city having protests - which goes hand in hand with TIME's cover as the protester being person of the year. Some runner-up words or phrases being newly coined or used might include:
"humblebrag" or false humility - from England you have "hacking" as in wire tapping your phone. And thanks to Signor Berlusconi in Italy we learn that "bunga bunga" refers to partying. Egypt gave us "Arab spring". Perhaps if I spent more time "tweeting" I would learn more about what words are on the cutting edge. But back home we are still plagued by that verbal comma, that nervous tic known as "y'know" which has edged out "like" in our lexicon. Too bad.
tjs
Next - Censored - or uncensored?

Science Times

Last Tuesday's New York Times Science Section posted an article titled "The Future of Computing" where a group of experts and some non-experts predicted the road ahead. For instance:

Year 2019 - Universal Medical Database
Year 2023 - Curing Cancer
Year 2024 - Practical Robot Cars

"By 2018 freeway car pool lanes will be opened to robot-driven cars." So you will no longer have to place that stuffed dummy in the passenger seat to fool the cops - the dummy will be driving the car! And you in the passenger seat texting and tweeting to your heart's content. But me with my EZ pass stuck behind Robo who is maintaining the speed limit. Heaven forbid we have a fender bender with "it" - State Farm will never believe me. I was thinking, "What if all the taxis in Times Square were robot driven?"
No horn blowing - no lane changing - no finger waving - no swearing in several languages. (The last three drivers I had were Haitian - Nigerian and Belarusian.) And it might cut down on immigration. As Paul Simon wrote -  "The Sound of Silence." But wait - the experts also predict by year 2040 we will have flying cars! Fasten your seat belts.
tjs
Next - Word-smith

Funny? or Punny? V

1 - A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

2 - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

3 - A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

4 - What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

5 - If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

6 - Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
tjs
Next - Science Times (Mon.)

The Big "U" revisited

We will be flying north soon for the holidays and each year flying into Philadelphia we pass right over the faded hull of the great ocean liner S.S. UNITED STATES still moored at her idle berth on the Delaware River. But in her glory days - 1952/1969 - she made over 300 plus North Atlantic round trips - under four masters - all without a casualty. But she also made a few Caribbean cruises and one took her to St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands. The port of Charlotte Amalie is a lovely crescent shaped harbor but not deep enough to enable this size liner to berth. Accordingly, the vessel dropped anchor and passengers were ferried ashore via tenders. While many were ashore a storm kicked up causing the seas to surge and the captain fearing that the ship might touch bottom, hoisted anchor and moved further out to deeper water. When the shoreside passengers returned to the dock with their duty free merchandise there were no tenders to take them back to the ship and several hundred - including some staffers - spent the night in a school gymnasium. There was much gnashing of teeth and upon their eventual return some of the passengers hanged the captain in effigy. But he kept the vessel safe and her spotless record intact.
tjs
(above excerpted from Eagleblue No. 6 - Feb. 13, 2006)
Next - Funny or punny.

Poverty

Recently, I was "panhandled" at a mini-mall in Jacksonville, Florida. The young woman caught me off guard in such a venue as I would have expected such an approach in a more urban area. She did not appear to be a druggie or a street walker - said she was down on her luck - and had a look of sadness on her face. I came face to face with poverty - outside my gated community walls. Then the mail arrived with the Rescue Mission stating they could feed a homeless person for two dollars. With Christmas approaching the Salvation Army bell ringers were out in force. (I really miss their trombones and tubas)
It has been a difficult year for many of our friends and neighbors. Let's keep them in mind.
tjs
Next - The Big "U" revisited.

Caroling

When I was young one of the prevalent holiday practices was the Christmas office party. But not the type portrayed in "Mad Men". Ours was more sedate where we exchanged gifts with each other. Then one year a colleague's wife who was a nurse suggested instead that we visit the local hospital and bring our gifts and good wishes to the children's ward. But we learned that the kiddies were booked up and we were placed on the wait list behind the firemen and Kiwanis. So we wandered over to the geriatric ward and found a piano player and did our caroling and gift giving to the old folks where there was no waiting and some of these smiling seniors sang along with us. What a marvelous experience - we had found our niche! I hope you do too.
tjs
Next - Poverty.

Poor Little Rhode Island

A little "dust up" occurred last week when Governor Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island erected a "holiday" tree in the State Capitol. It looked and smelled like a Christmas tree but officially it was described as a "holiday" tree. Naturally, this offended many members of the Christian faiths who deemed this one more effort to remove Christ from Christmas. It reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry Stiller complained that whereas the Christians had their Christmas, the Jewish folk had their Hanukuh and the African Americans had Kwanza - there was nothing to celebrate for the "rest" of us so he created a new holiday and called it the "Festivus for the rest of us" and erected an aluminum pole with appendages and called it a "festivus" tree - not quite a "holiday" tree. But be it fir or spruce I have always enjoyed the sweet fragrance of a real Christmas tree.
tjs
P.S. - The title comes from an OLD song whose opening line was "Poor little Rhode Island, smallest of the forty-eight" - so you can see just how OLD it was.
Next - Caroling

Word Games

I am indebted to a friend for this exercise in anagrams which might also appeal to you scrabble players out there:
presbyterian = best in prayer.
astronomer = moon starer.
desperation = a rope ends it.
The eyes = they see.
George Bush = He bugs Gore.
The Morse Code = Here come dots.
Slot Machines = Cash lost in me.
Animosity = is no amity.
Election results = Lies - let's recount.
Snooze alarms = Alas, no more Zs.
A decimal point = I'm a dot in place.
The earth quakes = That queer shake.
Eleven plus two = twelve plus one.
tjs
Next - Poor Little Rhode Island.

Rotterdam

My friend George M. was Chief Engineer on the S.S. AMERICAN JURIST on an eastbound transatlantic voyage circa late 1960s. He and the Captain were on the bridge together when they noticed another vessel on a parallel course - both heading for the Rotterdam pilot station. Our captain wanted to beat the other fellow to the pilot so he asked the Chief to turn up a few revolutions and they successfully arrived at the pilot station first and docked at the berth before the competitor. Our captain was pleased with his achievement and expressed same to the harbor pilot. The pilot said it was too bad that you beat him in as the other vessel was the 5000th arrival at the port of Rotterdam and their ship was feted and all the crew were given wrist watches. Our captain was chagrined and said "Don't tell my crew!" The moral here might be "Be careful what you wish for!"
tjs
(I have taken some literary license with George's story but you get the essence)
Next - Word Games

Balance of Nature

The New York Times informs us that there will be a lean acorn crop in the Northeast this year. Now, this may mean nothing to you, but it will affect the forest ecosystem. There are 1000 Red Oak trees in Central Park and in their best year they can produce 250 pounds of acorns but the forecast this year is only for one half pound. It usually takes 18 months to grow an acorn. This scarcity will cause a culling of the squirrel and field mice populations. And with field mice down - (not like pork bellies) - the ticks with lyme disease will seek other hosts - perhaps you and me. Officials think 2012 will be a worst year for lyme disease. There will also be more deer on the road and more road kill. And hawks and owls will threaten ground nesting birds. All this because of the tiny acorn! As the New York Times motto says "All the news that's fit to print!"
tjs
PS - Today, December 7th is the day that FDR said would "live in infamy." It is the 70th anniversary
of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Along with 9/11 it is a date we should never forget.
Next - Rotterdam

Campaigning

Cain suspending - debates unending!

Newt is gaining - Perry explaining!

Paul is ranting - Romney recanting!

What is one to do?

Wait! - Donald Trump to the rescue!

Moderating - or fulminating?

What on earth? - a Birther!

Make my day - New Year's in I -O- WAY!
tjs
Next - Balance of Nature

Manhattan

While up north we had occasion to visit our journalist son in Lower Manhattan and we visited Zuccotti Park the site of the Occupy Wall Street protests. The tents had been removed the previous week and the place was cleaned up and the crowd smaller but orderly - chanting their chants and displaying their posters - some clever - others vulgar. The police presence was minimal but their vans were tactically at the ready. Street vendors hawking their wares and at this site on lower Broadway it was far removed from the Wall Street business area. I worked in this area in the late 1970s and had not been back in ten years. We stopped in to Sardi's restaurant to view the celebrity sketches on the wall. The late Vincent Sardi used to come to your table to greet you and the place still displays his influence. And for a touch of nostalgia we stopped in to the Algonquin Hotel where the lobby was already decorated for Christmas.
 Matilda the cat is no longer there and the tiny bells on the tables - for summoning the waiter - have been removed but the lobby was filled with after theater goers and the tradition goes on. It is nice to see that some things don't change. New York is a great town to lift your spirits and drain your wallet and I was jolted to find a cash only restaurant down in the East Village that must have trusted their waiters. But the tree in Rockefeller Center was lit last week and if any of you can get there during the holidays you won't be disappointed.
tjs
Next - Campaigning

Anthropormorphic Nouns

If you have ever wondered about certain groupings, here are a few:

A gaggle of geese - an exhaltation of doves - a flock of chickens - a herd of cows - a murder of crows - a parliament of owls - a pride of lions - a school of fish - an intrusion of cockroaches - a cete of badgers - a shoal of bass - a sloth of bears - a colony of ants - a congregation of jackals - a pace of asses - a chain of lynx (pun?) - a shrewdness of apes - a peck of birds - and lastly, a congress of baboons.......and we only just got thru the zoo front gate.
tjs
Next - Manhattan (Mon.)

USLines Reunion

I attended a reunion in New Jersey commemorating - but not celebrating - the 25th anniversary of the USLines declaration of Chapter 11 bankruptcy in November 1986. I had not seen some of the attendees in twenty-five years. There was much camaraderie and many reminiscences  among the group of seventy. Coincidentally, our European organization held a reunion the same week in Rotterdam and many of those folks are now scattered around the globe. The moral is there is life after bankruptcy but if you can avoid it, please try to do so.
tjs
Next - "A" Nouns

Reunion

In a few days we will be heading north to attend a 25th reunion of USLines former employees. It will be a commemoration - but not a celebration - of the Chapter 11 bankruptcy of November 1986. The party will be held at an Irish Pub called the Shannon Rose and I expect that there will be a few tears flowing in the River Shannon that night along with a few Guiness flowing as well. After which Thanksgiving in New Jersey and expect posting will be sporadic thru the end of the month. Wishing all a Happy Thanksgiving with family and friends. Will see you in December.
tjs

Familiarity breeds contempt

When Winston Churchill was a young Tory he fancied a small blond mustache above his upper lip. It wasn't admired by all. After speaking at a town hall type meeting he was cornered by a woman who said to him "I don't agree with your policies and I don't like your silly mustache." He replied "Madam, it is unlikely that you should ever become familiar with either." He came by his wit early.
tjs
Next - Reunion

Floors, Please?

My friend the waterfront priest was making a sick call to a parishioner in a local hospital. He was wearing his black clergy garb and a Roman collar. It was a time when elevators had manual operators. As he entered the elevator and requested his floor, the operator turned around to size him up. The man must have been a preacher of sorts on Sundays so he said to the priest "Reverend, Ise the same as you is except I works during the week." The padre took it with good humor but wondered if he was getting off easy with only eight masses a week plus an occasional funeral and wedding  - and those 3 A.M. phone calls.
tjs
Next -  Familiarity breeds contempt

Veterans' Day

Today 11-11-11 is Veterans' Day - formerly known as Armistice Day after WWI - it is a Federal Holiday.
It is also my birthday. I told someone I was turning 82 but if I really turned 82 I would be 28 and that is the age of my son which makes it awkward for sure. There was a character in the "Lil Abner" comic strip - it might have been Marryin Sam  - who used to say "It's amusin but confusin!" And then I recalled an old song title "I'm my own grandpa". But my biggest fear is that the candle power on the cake will set off the fire sprinkler system and dampen the party. Anyway, here's to Scorpios all  - and Happy Birthday to me! (Forget about 9-9-9 - think about 11-11-11 - and let's salute and  honor our Veterans of all wars.)
tjs
Next - Wall Street Humor

But, it's not Cricket!

The game of Cricket is the national pastime of Pakistan and other former British colonies. But according to a New York Times article datelined Beijing, the Chinese have turned it into a blood sport whose origin extends back more than 1000 years nurtured by the Tang Dynasty. That is, they are training field crickets to become fighters and these cricket fights can command bets as high as $1600 by a cricket owner. A really formidable fighter can be worth more than a horse. Legend suggests they were first domesticated by Imperial concubines who kept trilling crickets at their bedside to stave off loneliness. One effective fighting move is "creep like a tiger, fight like a snake."  There is one province where the soil and climate seem to produce a particularly fiery breed - and the loudest chirpers are usually the fiercest. They are pampered with their diets and a bit of chili pepper will make them especially ferocious. But as our British friends might say "It's not cricket" - but this article was printed on a slow news day.
tjs
Next - Veterans Day

Directions

The Bronx is up and the Battery's down as per Leonard Bernstein's lyrics. We will be in New York soon after twenty years away and probably will be asking directions from passersby. It is not easy to find a native New Yorker - and one who speaks English. These folks always try to be helpful and even when they don't know the answer they will still give an opinion - and sometimes several will stop and render differing opinions. One time we flew into Philadelphia and picked up a rental car for a trip to South Jersey. I knew the route but the vehicle was equipped with a GPS instrument which my son activated and soon a formal female voice was giving me directions. When I deviated from same there was tension in her voice and I began to argue with this instrument. During the current political season we see potential candidates constantly changing direction - flip flopping, they call it.  It got so bad that one described an opponent as a "lubricated weather vane" - now that's changing direction!
tjs
Next - But it's not Cricket.

A Nocturnal Visitor

We live in a gated community - approximately 900 homes - with excellent security. One night my phone rang at midnight - it was a security person. He said "I'm in your driveway with my headlights on - your garage door is open - and a raccoon is picnicking in your driveway." The nocturnal forager had entered the garage and found the paper bag of cat food and was having a midnight snack while also spilling the contents on the ground. Coincidentally, some of our feathered friends - particularly Blue Jays, also fancy the dry cat food for its nutrients. But the black eyed raccoon is both bold and clever and his tiny fingered paws can get into anything.  Soon we will be moving north to more urban surroundings where we expect to find a different type of after hours activity. But remember to close your garage doors.
tjs
Next - Directions

That 3 A.M. phone call

Various election campaigns have featured the rhetorical question "When that phone rings at 3 A.M. who is going to answer it?" Recently, I introduced you to my friend the Port Chaplain, Father Tom W.  Some years ago he was stationed in a Philadelphia waterfront parish and on a snowy winter night his phone rang at 3 A.M. - it was a young man from his parish who said he thought his father had died sitting up in his favorite chair and could the reverend come right over to administer the last rites. The padre asked the young man "Have you notified your undertaker?" The lad said he was waiting until daylight so as not to inconvenience the funeral director. I can just see the veins bulging in the priest's neck as he said to the young man "You had better call that undertaker NOW or else they will need a sledge hammer to break your father in half!" So when that phone rings at 3 A.M. you KNOW who is going to answer it.!!
tjs
Next - A Nocturnal Visitor

Funny? or Punny IV

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "fire at will".

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

An electrician claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar, he asks?" "No, I'm the chip monk" he replies.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
tjs
Next - The 3 A.M.  phone call (Mon.)
PS - Don't forget to roll back the clock Sat. night

An Officer and a Gentleman

This goes back to the time when the best way to get from San Francisco to Los Angeles was by train - usually overnight. This particular evening two mature women of a certain age embarked at San Francisco and found their way to their double compartment.  The train was fully booked  and the last passenger on board was a four stripe Naval Officer. When the conductor led him to his berth they found it occupied by the two ladies and the train was by then well under way. As the embarrassed conductor was trying to figure out what to do, one of the women spoke up saying "We are all mature adults, I'm sure we can work out some accommodation." The Captain straightened up and said "Madam,  I am an officer of the United States Navy and a gentleman - the arrangement you are proposing is totally unacceptable - one of you must leave"!! (My apologies if I have repeated this one)
tjs
Next - Funny? or Punny IV

Alone in the Crowd

Early in my career I was associated with the Port Chaplain in Philadelphia. Father Tom came out of the coal regions of Pennsylvania and his first assignment as a curate was to an Italian parish in South Philadelphia. This culture was foreign to him at first. At funerals he would hasten to the funeral home to pray over the body and as the cortege proceeded several city blocks to the church it would be preceded by a pick up brass band - something right out of New Orleans - but certainly not out of the coal regions.
 He later was assigned to a waterfront parish but still in South Philly where he became "spiritual director" to a string band club on "two street" - they of the Mummers Association. Once a year he would also bless the family pets. He enjoyed a cigar and an occasional cool beverage and late in the evening, with his collar off, he would rise to sing in his mellow baritone something like the following:
-I'm all alone in the crowd, all by myself in the crowd -
I used to know - just where I stood - now they're wearing high hats in the old neighborhood.
Sweethearts go walking in pairs - you'd think that the sidewalks were theirs -
Old friends seem to be - total strangers to me - for I'm all alone in the crowd.

The irony was that this gregarious clergyman was never alone. And he left his mark on the waterfront.
tjs
Next - An Officer and a Gentleman

Halloweens Past

This year we only had four groups knocking on the door - all accompanied by parents. But when I was growing up  we were on our own. The night before Halloween was mischief night - some people soaped windows - the worst infraction I had was tossing hard corn at windows and then the next night asking the same neighbors for "treats". We always made a beeline for the Spreckley residence - the husband was sales manager for Wrigley Chewing Gum which because of WWII was unavailable over the counter.
 Except that Mrs.Spreckley would insist that we perform to receive treats. My mother had taught me the Lord's Prayer in Gaelic (phonetically) which I volunteered to applause and a pack of spearmint. My Gaelic was as bad as my Latin but who knew back then. It was a Hallowed Evening.
tjs
Next - Alone in the Crowd

Floating Island

When I was a child my mother made a dessert she called "Floating Island" - a delicate custard with meringue on top. Now I see Wolfgang Puck has a recipe for it on Google. But we will soon be faced with another floating island of tsunami debris as a result of the earthquake in Japan in March. Environmental and maritime groups say the slowly eastward moving field is 2000 x 1000 miles in area and consists of small boats, refrigerators, televisions, etc estimated to be between five and twenty MILLION tons. It is moving at five to ten miles per day. It is expected to arrive Midway Atoll early 2012, Hawaii early 2013 and the Pacific Northwest in 2014. NOAA is watching it and notice to mariners has gone out. Obviously, it is a serious environmental issue to be monitored. Google as "tsunami debris" for additional photos. This is not your normal flotsam and jetsam, folks.
tjs
Next - Alone in the Crowd

Anniversary Issue

Today, October 29, 2011 is the first anniversary of this BLOG posting. Coincidentally, the Google scorekeeper tells me that this is also my 300th post. I didn't think it would last this long. You readers have been loyal and faithful. I have tried to comment on the passing parade as I witness it and I hope I may have brightened a rainy day for someone. Let's see where the next year leads us and I hope I do not get too political in an election year. Meanwhile, many thanks for your steadfast readership. (Feedback and comments always appreciated - although Google doesn't make it easy to do so.)
tjs
Next - Floating Island

Hold your breath!

Back in the 1950s in Philadelphia I had a fellow co-worker who came down with a case of hiccups and they persisted for several days until he was admitted to a local hospital. The medics tried the usual remedies - hold your breath - the paper bag treatment - scaring - a steady swallowing of water - nothing seemed to work. As a last resort they were considering "osculation" i.e. two lips on two lips when suddenly the spasms stopped. The upside of the story is while confined he met a student nurse and courted and married her and they lived happily in various assignments here and overseas. So, to all you fellows out there trying to impress the ladies, if your PICK UP line isn't working you might try the HICCUP line. Just make sure your medical plan covers it.
tjs
Next - Anniversary issue tomorrow.

Film Review

I do not get to the cinema as much as I used to but I do try to keep up with the reviews. Now this is not Siskel & Ebert and Pauline Kael has retired but the following rating was listed by the New York Times for the new release "Margin Call." The film is about the Wall Street collapse and presumes to shadow the demise of Lehman Brothers. It is rated "R" for "obscene language and obscene sums of money."!!! Now, here I sit month after month waiting for that Social Security check to arrive on the third Wednesday of the month and these people are objecting to "obscene sums of money." Better hide the kids when this one comes on the screen. And pass the popcorn.
tjs
Next - Hold your breath

A. Rooney Rant

Perhaps it is time for a "Rooney Rant" but Andy is nowhere to be found. So let's take up the cudgels:

Do we really need Daylight Saving Time into November? I hate these dark October mornings and I hate driving in the dark which probably is a generational thing.  And I shudder to see all the little children standing on the curb in the dark awaiting the school buses. Pretty soon we will roll back our clocks and extend that Saturday night party but the poor animals will awake to find a new traffic pattern. And those armadillos don't move very fast. I am all for energy conservation but I think we have carried it too far. Except I don't see the issue on the ballot yet. But then I recall that proverb "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Anybody got a match?
tjs
Next - Film Review
PS - Learned yesterday that Andy Rooney has been hospitalized and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Apocalypse Now

According to the Washington Post and various twitters, a California preacher announced that the world would end on Saturday, October 22, 2011. He said only believers would be saved. Atheists planned a "left behind party." Well, the date came and went. This is the fourth false prediction from this fellow and he has become worse than that boy yelling "wolf". I wonder what calendar he is using - does he realize we have leap years? This year is 4709 in the Chinese year of the rabbit, and we are currently in the Hebrew year 5772 so this might explain the poor fellow's confusion. In any event when I first heard his warning last week I still sent my laundry out. Stay tuned for his next proclamation.
tjs
Next - A Rooney Rant

Seeing Red

At a private  middle school in Northern England a group of twelve-year old girls began using lipstick and they applied it in the bathroom. After doing so they pressed their lips to the mirror leaving many red images of lips and each evening the maintenance man struggled to remove same only to find they were back the next day. The head mistress decided something had to be done and called the group to a meeting in the bathroom attended by the maintenance man. She wanted him to demonstrate the difficulty he encountered each evening removing the stains. He proceeded to take a long handled squeegee, dip it in the toilet bowl and wipe it across the mirrors. From that day forward there were no more lipstick stains on the mirrors. You might say they were flushed with success!
tjs
Next - Apocalypse Now

Funny? or punny? III

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother called to ask how he was  a nurse said "No change yet!"

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
tjs
Next - Seeing Red (Mon.)

Personnel Matters

It was circa 1973 and  I had been District Sales Manager for USLines in Philadelphia for several years when my secretary announced she would be departing on permanent maternity leave and I was left to my own resources to replace her. I had no personnel experience but I set out to screen applicants as best I could.
Two women applied and we scheduled interviews. Applicant number one was a twenty something young woman, appeared very competent and could certainly run the office. But she showed up for the interview wearing hot pants which was a fashion rage of the day. Applicant number two was a mature woman who appeared to need the job. Now, I was supervising four salesmen all with different personalities and if I hired number one I feared I would have trouble getting them to leave the office to make their sales calls. I was and am all for the feminist movement but I called the home office and said "It's either hot pants or cold logic" - and I hired number two.
tjs
Next - Funny? or punny III

Childhood Games

Recently viewed an old black & white film on the Turner channel. "The Naked City" written by Mark Hellinger and starring Barry Fitzgerald as a New York City chief of homicide detectives. Each day from his open office window he watched the little girls jumping rope in the street. This street activity was always accompanied by a sing-song rhyme. With daily repetition Fitzgerald found himself finishing the rhyme. It was a nice throwaway scene. It took me back to my own childhood when the streets were our playground although the macadam surface was hot in summer. I used to sit on the curb and marvel at the "big" girls jumping rope. Their footwork was quick and agile - the boys could never do it. That's why the girls were always the better dancers. Our kids also had their homemade lyrics - one went something like this:
"My mother and your mother live across the street - fourteen nineteen Beechwood Street -
every night they have a fight - this is what they say -
Alabama - soda cracker - if your old man chews tobacco - he's a dirty BLEEP."

After which the rope turners accelerate the pace and the jumper keeps going until either she misses or jumps out. As the rhyme stuck in Fitzgerald's brain, so it did in mine for seven plus decades. I was amazed at the number of rhymes found in Google search "Jump rope rhymes" - but no one plays in the street anymore which is just as well.
tjs
Next -  Personnel Matters

Retribution

Some years ago I was "friends" (why do we use the plural?) with a couple and on social occasions the husband often would embarrass his wife in front of others. I knew she was hurt by his action and I took her aside one evening and said "The next time you are in a gathering why don't you introduce him as your first husband, Sam.  Maybe he will get the message." I don't know whether she ever did but a few years later she did acquire husband number two. I remained "friends" with all parties to the equation thereafter. Prescient? perhaps.
I recall a line from an old song "Be kind to your fine feathered friends" - and while you're at it shower some kindness on your spouse.
tjs
Next - Childhood Games

Marathon Man

The Huffington Post reported October 12th datelined London, England the following: A marathon runner in the north of England hitched a ride on a spectator bus at mile 20 and came in third. He beat his best time by twenty minutes. But, alas, he was discovered, denied and DQed. There must be something about hitting mile 20 that addles the brain as that is the same mileage marker as Heartbreak Hill in Boston. Perhaps there was no subway service in that town. This reference harkens back to the time in New York when a runner leaving the 59th st bridge into Manhattan took a short cut and rode the subway to arrive at the finish line somewhat refreshed - and exposed. The next New York marathon is Sunday, November 6th. If you are riding the subway that day and you see a fellow passenger in shorts with a number on their chest - if it is a southbound train they are heading for the Verrazano Bridge starting line - but if northbound that sweating person is heading for Central Park. Best to stay upwind from that one. And get his/her number.
tjs
Next - Retribution

Funny or Punny II

-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

-Police were called to a daycare where a three-year old was resisting a rest.

-There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

-I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

-Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you an A -flat minor.

-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
tjs
Next - Marathon Man (Mon.)

Decisions, decisions

When I retired I thought I could escape from the day to day decision making, but, alas, I was wrong. Not a day goes by that I am not confronted with choices demanding immediate decisions. Witness the following:
paper or plastic - credit or debit - window or aisle - here or to go - straight up or on the rocks - hard boiled or soft - lady or the tiger (oops, wrong century) - it goes on and on - until the final curtain falls - and one has to decide - burial or cremation. But don't let it spoil your day. One hundred years ago George M. Cohan wrote a song titled "Life's a very funny proposition after all."
tjs
Next -Funny? or punny.

Hizzoner the Mayor

There is a long history of New York city mayors appearing in court as witnesses. This past week Mayor Bloomberg was a witness in a campaign money issue. While some were expecting fireworks from the usually arrogant and impatient city leader, it was said that he was terse and low keyed and somewhat forgetful of events considering he is a micro-manager. Some years ago when Mayor John Lindsay was on the stand the court had trouble with his middle name V-l-i-e-t - certainly a strange name for a WASP.
Mayor Ed Koch appeared on the stand several times, once being interrogated by Rudy Giuliani who handled him with kid gloves as Koch the extrovert was very popular and left the courtroom through the well shaking hands on the way out. The colorful Jimmy Walker was mayor from 1926-1932 - before and after the 1929 crash - he had been a song writer and played on stage before the footlights but got caught up in corruption and was forced to resign. But on the witness stand he loved to spar with his questioners. They were all colorful characters and good copy for the news media.
tjs
Next - Decisions, decisions

"Emptys cuming back"

My friend Jerry was a railroader at heart when he joined us in the shipping business. He brought a great trait with him - punctuality. He (like Mussolini) liked to have the trains run on time. He goes back to the days when box cars and gondola cars were the life blood of the railroads. Some had colorful names like the Delaware, Lackawanna and Western's "The Route of Phoebe Snow." And they wrote songs about railroads - The Wabash Cannonball - Chattanooga Choo Choo - and the Atcheson, Topeka & Santa Fe.
 Warren Buffet bought a railroad - The Burlington Northern. I thought of my friend Jerry when I ran across an old poem in my scrapbook:
"Have you ever sat by the railroad track - and watched the emptys cuming back?
lumbering along with a groan and a whine - smoke strung out in a long gray line -
belched from the panting injun's stack - just emptys cuming back."

I have - and to me the emptys seem - like dreams I sometimes dream -
of a girl -or munney - or maybe fame - my dreams have all returned the same -
swinging along the homebound track - just emptys cuming back." (By Angelo de Ponciano)
tjs
Next - Hizzoner the Mayor

Bull Run

Bull Run? no, not the Civil War battle - and not the running in Pamplona, Spain. This one is home grown and will take place in Cave Creek, Arizona north of Phoenix on October 14/16th. They expect hundreds of macho runners to go a quarter mile in front of dozens of rodeo bulls. They temper the danger by stating that these bulls are less "aggressive" than those in Spain - and their horns are "duller" so they won't gore you they will just "poke" you. And, unlike in Spain, they do NOT kill these animals. So if you have the $25. entry fee and sign a seven page waiver you can bring your mojo and a good pair of running shoes and get "the thrill of a lifetime" - they say it is better than drugs. Perhaps Nike or Reebok might like to sponsor some day. Oh, and don't wear a red shirt.
tjs
Next - "Emptys cuming back"

The Pill Pusher

My pharmacist is of the old school - he still calls his establishment an "apothecary". At age eighty-three he is still pushing pills and trying to decipher physicians' handwriting. He has a sign on his wall "SERENITY HERE - FRUSTRATION ELSEWHERE". That's one of the reasons I like to hang out with him. He recently told me that his wife's VISA card was stolen but he didn't report the theft as the thief was spending less than his wife. I hope he can hang in and not be devoured by Wallgreen and CVS.
tjs
Next - Bull Run

The Rhineland

A young friend of mine is moving to Cincinnati, Ohio for a job opportunity. As I learned you have to spell it before you can sell it. It was known as the Rhineland because of its German heritage. It is also the home of the Baseball Reds and football Bengals so he will have to alter his allegiances. Some years ago I made a singular sales call on Procter & Gamble, that city's marketing giant. Besides soap, peanut butter and diapers they also marketed Folgers coffee at that time.  As an icebreaker at lunch with our hosts I told them the following: A bartender in New York had created a new cocktail using equal parts coffee and Christian Brothers Brandy. He called it "Onward Christian Folgers". They accepted the pun with good humor and we continued to do business with this prominent Cincinnati client.
tjs
Next - The Pill Pusher

Wall Street

The Occupy Wall Street protests are now in their third week. The protesters have been joined by celebrities such as Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon and now they have received support of several unions which could give them some organizational structure. They have camped out in Zuccotti Park, a private property near Wall Street. There are food stations there and supporters are sending in pizza. They even have a library. But what they do not have are "johnny boxes" - a requisite for crowds. I read where those seeking relief have turned to McDonalds which is not the type of traffic that establishment normally entertains. That Golden Arch is so beckoning.
tjs
Next - The Rhineland